


Squire of the Wash

by all_possible_worlds, Grade_A_Sexual



Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Arthurian references, F/M, High Fantasy, Marco alone, chivalry but not as you know it, current tomstar, eventual Higgsco, laundry-related technical terms, relationship drama, unresolved starco
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-05 23:26:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 71,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13398504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_possible_worlds/pseuds/all_possible_worlds, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grade_A_Sexual/pseuds/Grade_A_Sexual
Summary: Marco Diaz came back to Mewni. He thought he had been ordained a knight. He thought his friend would be glad to see him. Instead, he found himself escorted to the washroom, to squire under Sir Lavabo, the Knight of the Wash.What if Star hadn’t been told of the dangers involved? What if she hadn’t come back for him? What if Marco had been left to deal with the trial of the Lint Catcher, and much worse, all alone? What if he had had to face the real Mewni, without being the princess’ best pal?Loneliness, hardship, ridicule, guilt, trust issues, xenophobia, conspiracies, murder, despotism, girl troubles, and piles of dirty laundry: A year in the life of Marco Diaz, Squire of the Wash





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> From half the inimitable team behind the truly epic: [A Habit Hard to Break](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9982967)
> 
> And the method behind the madness that is: [I Summon the All-Seeing Eye](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10583730) ( _very much rated E_ )
> 
> This is definitely **not** going to be a one-shot.

"Man, Star. I'm sorry. I feel like I just crash landed into your life," the boy finally apologized, as they both made their way down the long spiral stairway which led to the sub-basement of Butterfly Castle.

It was a sorry excuse for an apology, to say the least. If he had simply called her beforehand, perhaps this whole debacle could have been avoided. He had ruined her date with Tom. It had taken about a week to schedule a time for it, given how busy Star was these days with her royal duties. She supposed Tom was busy as well, although she couldn't for the life of her recall an instance of him being the one to cancel plans on her. It made the princess feel all the more guilty that she was ditching her boyfriend to just basically tour Marco around.

In fact, Marco hadn't called Star at all since he got back to Earth. Not even a thank you message for sending his hoodie back. She remembered how hard that had been; like removing the soiled bandages over a stab wound, sanitary, yes, but also really painful. Yet, in time, the wound had healed, and she had learned to accept that her best friend and herself lived different lives, in different worlds. So why on Earth or Mewni was Marco here now?

"Well, we figured it out," she replied, as nonchalantly as she could manage. She felt so irritated at her friend right now. Was she being unfair? After all, she did it to him once. The crash landing thing.

She had barged into his life out of nowhere, making it weirder and wilder than it had any right being, putting him in mortal peril, more than once. But she had grown since then. She had matured. Marco himself had taught her early on why that had been bad, and she had learned that lesson well enough. So why was he now acting like he didn't know any better? Like he was just as clueless as she had been almost a year ago. She was nothing like that anymore. Nor did she wish to be.

When danger came to her for real, when darkness closed in, she had tried to protect Marco, to run away, so that Toffee would not go after him, the person she cared about the most. She had princessed up, told him how she felt at the time, and then left Earth to keep him safe. Yet he came back for her. He rushed to Mewni to help her, or at least to accompany her as she fought Toffee. To be by her side, to be her best friend.

Eventually, of course, he had to go back home, and she had decided that she needed to stay in her own. Mewni needed her. It needed everyone who was willing to help repair the damage Toffee had caused. Marco had business elsewhere, and thus he left, with many things left unsaid between them.

Instead, months later, he stammered, "Yeah... um, cool. Wow, heh. Check out all these stairs. Sure are a lot."

Yes, Marco, that's right, lots of stairs. Lots and lots and lots. And yet, somehow, not enough!

"So, what does Jackie think about all this?" she ventured the question that had been in her head for a while.

After all, she was the reason Marco had gone back home. Sure, his family was there, as were his friends, and school. But it's not like Star didn't know who he had been dying to see again every day he was in Mewni: his girlfriend, Jackie Lynn Thomas. She was, after all, the girl he had pinned after ever since he could remember. Lucky him! Star meant it, honestly. Good for Marco. Way to go dude!

So, then, where was Jackie now?

"Oh, well, she wasn't really into it... but... you know me. Ain't nobody telling me what to do," he chuckled. Star stared back at him in disbelief. He sighed, "That-that was a joke."

A really unfunny one.

Star could tell Marco was having trouble with this conversation, but she felt too confused herself to sympathize. He had just turned her whole day upside down, the least he could do was to talk to her like a normal person.

He continued, "Ugh. Actually, yeah, she... she broke up with me."

Oh, that explained it! Of course! _'Hey, Star, best friend, how you doing? Sorry I haven't called you in weeks, and haven't visited you once, even though I have dimensional scissors and could be here in a blink. I was too busy hanging out with my super-cool girlfriend. But hey, she dumped me now, and suddenly, I remembered you, my dear bestie. Let's hang!'_

Star Butterfly, Princess of Mewni. Star Butterfly, Vanquisher of the Immortal Monster. Star Butterfly, backup plan. Yeah, right, Marco. I got bad news for you: that's not going to happen!

"Well, I'm very sorry about that," she replied, as politely as she could manage. She wasn't actually sorry, but it wasn't like she was happy at the news either.

They neared the door now, and the mewman princess was surprised to discover how much she wished to resolve the matter, to get rid of her bestie. It wasn't like she didn't want Marco around. It was just that... she didn't want Marco around. Ugh, why was this so complicated?

"So... are you and Tom," he began asking.

"Yep!" she cut him off. It made her feel no better to say it. With all the princess-like grace and diplomacy she had always been famous for, she changed the subject, "Oh, look, here's that door we were walking to."

In all her life, before or since, never had Star been so glad to see Lavabo's hairy old face, peering out from inside a pile of laundry. She just hoped the ancient knight would have enough sense not to bring up anything about Marco's hoodie...

\----

The ungrateful ass!

"Okay, Marco, here's a job…" "No, not that job! Another job…" "Princess me up something better!" Star mumbled to herself as she finally reached the castle's first floor. She made her way through the Royal Garden, ignoring the flowers she was angrily stepping on. He didn't appreciate what she did for him! Didn't appreciate her one bit!

He wanted to be a knight? 'Sure, let's make you a squire! It's literally step number one for what you said you wanted to do, here you go!' 'Oh, great! Thanks Star!' But no, of course that's not what she got. She got demands on top of demands, requests on top of requests, and not one bit of gratitude for her trouble.

How was she going to make him a squire inside the castle, when no other knight was looking for one? Come to think of it, why should she? Why was it that Marco assumed that she would do whatever he asked of her?

_'Easy, Star, because you have a crush on me. You like me, and I know it. You said so in front of everyone. So, go ahead, jump for my entertainment!'_ The princess frowned at the notion, a crown of thorns sprouting around each of the hearts on her cheeks.

Distracted by such vexing thoughts, and carried forth by the momentum of her brisk stride, Star didn't even see the person she collided with. The princess fell backwards onto the grass. She mumbled as she quickly pulled herself off the ground and dusted off her dress, assuming, at first, that it was just a tree that got in her way.

Star then looked forward to see who she had ran into. A certain someone that no few would believe to be a creature of evil, a corrupting influence on her young and malleable mind. At one point, she might have agreed. But Star had come to see that same person in a very different light recently.

"Sorry about that, Star," Tom said, rubbing his forehead. "I didn't realize you were in your own little world when I came up to you."

"Tom! Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" she apologized profusely. It was bad enough that she had left during their date, and now this? And it was all, mostly, Marco's fault.

Her boyfriend was still sprawled bum-first on the grass from the impact. A year ago, Tom would have already burned a crater into the ground for Star's clumsiness. But he was instead smiling at the situation. It was so refreshing for Star to see the demon smiling at her mistakes for once.

"Sorry for what? Give me some credit. It didn't hurt that bad." Tom extended his hand for Star to grab.

Star did him one better, though, and used both her hands to pick him up by the shoulders and placed him on his feet.

Tom blinked a few times. "Wow, you've gotten a lot stronger recently," he said in an impressed tone.

Star gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "No, I could always pick you up. I just didn't want to hurt your sense of manliness back then."

Tom chuckled and rubbed one hand through the back of his head apologetically. His ego had indeed been somewhat fragile in the past, it was such a relief that they both could laugh about it now. "Fair enough. I guess that's one explanation for you being able to defeat an immortal monster."

The two were holding hands and began staring at each other, getting lost in their own thoughts. It was something they did quite often, actually, since becoming a couple again. Star then realized she sorta owed Tom another apology.

"I'm sorry if it felt like I ditched our date for Marco," Star said. "To be honest, I thought you had already left."

Tom gave Star that patented 'kicked-puppy' look. "Do you really think I'd leave without saying goodbye first?"

"Well, didn't you have to leave early today because of some prince stuff in the Underworld?"

"I cancelled those plans," Tom said. "Turns out Brian is not only an amazing counselor, but also an awesome secretary. I had him go and do that stuff for me. I'm not about to let some drama down there prevent me from seeing you."

Star was glad. Tom's schedule always seemed to be more flexible than hers, but at least that meant seeing more of him.

"So, is it true that Marco's living here from now on?" Tom asked.

Star rubbed her arm. "Um… yeah, looks like it."

Tom smiled. "For real? That's great! I haven't seen the guy in forever. You must be happy to see him again too."

Star didn't expect that reaction from Tom. She wished she could share his enthusiasm. In fact, she forced a smile and tried her best to do just that. "Yeah, it's... great. Super great. Amazing, even. Everything is so perfect right now."

"Star, please don't get mad," Tom raised both hands in a calming gesture, "but well, you know that wasn't exactly convincing, right?"

Tom was right. Star couldn't hide it. She turned away to think about how she was going to word this before saying it out loud.

Tom put his hand on Star's shoulder. "What's wrong? Did Marco do something?"

Star looked at the ground. "Marco's… really confusing me right now. He says he wants to become a knight of Mewni, so he's squiring for the Wash right now, but…"

"Buuuuuuuut," Tom said in anticipation.

"But… it all seems like a lame excuse. I found out his girlfriend on Earth broke up with him, so I feel like he just came here for attention."

Tom nodded. "Alright, let's give him some! I was actually hoping we could all hang out today. I just realized we've never done that as a group of three before."

Star shook her head. "It's not that simple."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm a princess, Tom. Everyone expects so much from me right now. I don't have the time to help Marco. I barely have time to be with you. I just don't know if I can balance him along with everything else going on in my life."

Tom gave an immediate rebuttal. "Well, first of all, no one expects anything from you. I'm pretty sure that's just high expectations you've set for yourself."

Star couldn't really disagree with that. But still, her kingdom was in horrible shape after the whole Toffee crisis. Not to mention the bad reputation it now had with its neighboring kingdoms. She couldn't just ignore that.

"Secondly, we're still teenagers. We have to make the most of that fact until we take over our parents' jobs. You may never have time for Marco once you become queen."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Star said. "But it's not just that. Marco's been acting like a jerk, too. Like, he decided he was living here without even asking if I was okay with it. And then he kept demanding a better job than the one I got him."

Tom's expression didn't change, as if what Star had told wasn't surprising at all. He sighed. "Take it from someone who's been dumped before, bad break-ups change a man. They start getting defensive, feel like what happened to them wasn't their fault, and that makes them act entitled to everything."

Wow. That kind of described the old Tom to a T. And Marco was sort of acting that way too. But...

"That's just an excuse, though. A lame one. It's not like a bad break-up is mind controlling Marco into being a jerk. He's choosing to act that way." Not to mention the fact that Marco didn't seem the least bit bothered by the break-up itself.

Tom blinked, then awkwardly scratched his head. "Yeah, that… did seem like a lousy justification for how I used to be. Sorry."

Star looked at Tom for a moment. She remembered the Blood Moon Ball, and the fake career counselor drama. The demon prince had spent an entire year trying to get back together with her. It was flattering, in a way, but at the same time, it had been mostly unnerving, stressful, and more than a bit creepy. The problem back then wasn't that Tom liked her, but that he was so obsessed with winning her back that he had ignored her own feelings on the matter.

Then, the moment he had given up in his pursuit, he began seeing the same things about him that worried Star, and decided to do something about it. He had decided to change, not to get her back, but for himself. Honestly, that had made him like ten times more attractive, and Star had quickly remembered all of the things that had made her like Tom the first time around.

Yes, Tom had changed. He was improving himself. And he liked Star, a lot. Star herself was trying to improve as well by being a better princess. She dared say she was succeeding somewhat, in ways that one year ago she would have hardly dreamed possible.

Meanwhile, Marco hadn't changed at all since the beginning of the summer. If anything, he had regressed. Adopted the things about Star that she wanted to move away from: her lack of consideration, her recklessness, her shirking of responsibilities to run away from home on an inter-dimensional adventure. That last one was kind of specific.

Star grabbed Tom's hand. "I don't want you to feel bad, Tom. That person isn't you anymore. I'm just trying to say that Marco is acting super weird, and I'm dealing with plenty of weirdness already. I mean, my ancient grandmother who may-or-may-not be evil is here too. I have to draw the line somewhere."

"So… do you want him to stay?" Tom asked.

That was the real question. As much as Star treasured Marco's friendship, he, and Earth in general, represented a form of escapism that was ever so tempting. With Marco here, she'd have an excuse to go on random adventures in other dimensions again. It wouldn't be like her and Tom, who stayed within Mewni for their play-dates.

There was a reason Star gave away Ludo's dimensional scissors to Janna. She needed to stay put on Mewni. She wanted to be a better princess.

But with Marco around, it would be too easy to fall back into old patterns, to undo the progress she had made in these last few weeks. That is, if things could even go back to being like they used to. After all, things hadn't exactly been normal between the two of them since even before the whole Toffee situation.

When Tom realized Star didn't have an answer to his question, he continued. "Look, I'm not saying you should forgive Marco, and you have every right to kick him out if it comes to it, but it sounds like he's not going to change his behavior unless we say something to him. Heck, if it wasn't for him calling me out on how I used to act… well, I'm not sure I'd be with you right now. I feel like I owe it to him."

Star smiled. She had no idea Tom valued his friendship with Marco so much.

Tom quickly noticed Star's smile. "Also, don't ever, EVER tell Marco I said that just now. If you do, I'll…" Tom stopped to think for a second. "I'll... take a sip of your corn shake without asking!"

Star gasped dramatically. "So abusive! I thought you had changed, Tom!"

"Sorry, girlfriend," Tom said, crossing his arms, and putting up a mock bad-boy smirk. "I may be a reformed demon, but I'm still a demon."

Star gave him another peck on the cheek, and Tom instantly deflated.

"Okay, you convinced me. I'll talk to Marco later," Star said.

"Oh, um, okay," Tom said, still recovering from the kiss. "Where is he now?"

"He's squiring under Lavabo, but I don't think we should interrupt them."

"In that case, I suppose our date just got an extension," Tom said with a devilish smile. "If Marco's busy now, do you want to get some ice cream in the Underworld?"

"Sure!" Star said. "But… couldn't we just get ice cream up here? What's the difference?"

"Oh, ice cream in the Underworld is the best kind. Of course, you only have five seconds to eat as much as you can before it melts, but that's half the fun."

"Okay, I've got to try that!" Star said with excitement. The change in scenery would be nice.

"Let's go then. My carriage is parked outside."

"Which way is it?"

Suddenly, Tom stepped around her and, slowly, gallantly, put his hands on her shoulders. "Don't worry. I'll lead the way."

Without saying anything else, Tom began massaging Star's back and neck, and immediately unknotted all of the stress she had been accumulating for the past few hours, and some that she had been carrying for weeks. Tom liked her, really really liked her, and he was not shy about letting her know that. It felt good to be liked back.

Eventually the two stopped their flirting and left the Royal Garden, holding hands with smiles on their faces. Despite being provided with a healthy distraction, Star's mind wandered back to Marco.

She was still mad at him for how he acted earlier, but maybe the squirership would help him clean up his act. As quirky as Lavabo was, he did have a strange knack for helping people figure themselves out.

Either way, once she got back from the Underworld, she'd ask Marco how his first day as a squire went. She hoped he was having a good time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **The first 27 comments for this chapter were accidentally lost** see the first comment below to learn why: Short story, APW messed up - APW


	2. Lint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Marco faces the trial of the lint catcher and the phantoms of his own decisions.

'Don't' he kept reminding himself. Don't panic. Don't move. Don't yell. Don't cry. Marco couldn't risk it. Couldn't risk drawing attention to himself. Couldn't risk waking up the creature. It lay dormant now, all around him, clusters of pink sparkly lint, hiding a fearsome secret. But he had seen it, and he would not soon forget.

"Well, young squire, to clean the lint catcher, you need only to restart the fan. Such shall be your first quest, as has long been tradition among the Order of the Wash," had spoken Sir Lavabo, solemnly, five, maybe six, hours ago. At the time, Marco had thought the old soldier and Star were just making fun of him, sending him to do menial chores while the princess was otherwise busy playing board games with Tom. For all he knew, this 'Knight of the Wash', and his own corresponding position as a squire, were as fake as that damned meat blanket cape.

Now? Now he wished it had all been a joke. It was much better for your best friend to mock you, than it was for her to apparently send you to your death. Did Star really hate him that much? 

The moment he had gotten close to the fan, a roaring cry had resounded all around him, and the discarded lint around the mechanism had coalesced into a gigantic creature, with tentacles for limbs and a circular maw full of sharp jagged fangs. It growled menacingly at him.

The human boy had retreated slowly then, under the many watchful eyes of the creature. Finally, as he was fully backed against a corner, the creature dissolved again into clumps of pink refuse. 

Every time Marco made a move, or tried to speak, or so much as sneezed too loudly, the creature would begin to form again, and he would be forced right back into terrified stillness. Thus had been his existence for the past few hours, hours that had passed more slowly than most days did.

"Apologies, young squire, but I must now head to bed! I'll be back tomorrow, to check on your progress!" yelled the old knight from the outside. Before Marco had a chance to reply, to ask for help, the light coming from the door of the lint catcher went off. Now he was alone, in the dark, with the creature.

He was alone. Truly and completely alone. There were only two people who even knew he was here, and none of them seemed to care. Lavabo was just probably a few stitches short of a sweater vest if he considered this a good first task for an apprentice squire, and Star... Star was with Tom now. Not just Tom, she had a whole new life here on Mewni, and that life didn't seem to have a place for her old best friend.

He was going to die here. He would fall down from stress and exhaustion, then the creature would devour him in his sleep. Tomorrow’s dawn, the old crazy man would come back to ‘check on him’, and he would find only Marco’s discarded bones among the fuzz. He would go on to inform Star, who would shrug it off as an unfortunate accident. Maybe they would tell his parents, back on Earth. Or maybe, maybe no one back home would ever hear from him again. Not his parents, not his friends, not… Jackie. And if they did hear? Would they be sad? Or would they laugh at him? After all, he had spent the later half of summer bragging to them about how he was this great valiant knight, and now he was about to get devoured by discarded clothing fluff! He would laugh at himself, honestly, if he wasn’t so close to pissing his pants in terror.

He snapped out of it. Marco was not crazy, unlike that coot of a laundry knight. He knew his family and friends would care, would be heartbroken if he didn’t come back. He knew Star probably didn't know he was in danger, and that she would be mortified if Marco ever got hurt because of this. No matter what happened between the two of them, he could not imagine the princess ever wishing him harm of any kind. 

But wasn't it at least somewhat irresponsible of her part to leave him on his own in what, for him, was a strange and dangerous dimension? I mean, back on Earth, he had needed to teach her how to cross the road, without getting run over by (or, let’s face it, without having to magically pummel) a car.

Like, alright, he hadn't had the best possible timing, and he got that Star was busy and her life was not as before, he really really did. And, fine, he should have given her some sort of heads up! But, well, he had meant for it to be a surprise! Apparently, it had been, just not a pleasant one like he had hoped. Even so, was it really too much to ask for her to take half a day off to show him around and make sure he was doing ok with his exchange program? He had done it for her!

Ok, no, that was a lie. He had panicked, jumped down from a window into a garden full of cacti, and ran to hide near the nearest convenience store. But that was before they knew each other, before they were friends. No, scratch that, not just friends, _best friends_.

Were they even best friends anymore?

He felt discarded. Abandoned. Refuse. Lint. What in the world could he have done to deserve this? To be shoved aside like this? He might not have gotten everything right, but he had been there for Star, when she needed him, back when the whole Toffee thing went down. She hadn't told him she was in danger, but he had decided to check up on her anyways, to risk his own life to come to her aid…

\----

Marco yawned as he finally woke up. The groggy teenager looked over and saw that the digital alarm clock read ‘11:26 A.M.’

Great… he overslept again. He could feel that sort of tiredness in his body that came from resting too much. It was as if his body, now spoiled by the extra repose, had come to expect innaction as its default state.

Marco got up from the bed and stretched a little, though there was a high possibility that once he got some breakfast in him, he’d just come back here to sleep some more. That’s all he’d been doing since Summer started. Sleeping and waiting. Sleeping and waiting…

He looked around the room he’d been sulking in, the same room that so many exchange students had used for a year. Marco made a lot of great memories here, hanging out with awesome people like Gustav, Daniella, Pippo and Akil. Now all this room did was remind Marco of his best friend.

The more he thought about Star, the more worried he became.

There was a knock on the door.

“Marco? Are you awake? Jackie’s here. She wanted to know how you were doing.” It was his mom’s voice. Marco heard a muffled whisper after that, and knew his girlfriend was right outside the door as well. She probably only had Angie ask first to make sure he was decent.

“The door’s unlocked. She can come in,” Marco said in a raspy voice. Ugh, he was thirsty. 

As Marco reached for his glass of water, the door opened and Jackie walked inside the room. It looked like she had brought some DVDs with her. He hoped they weren't those 'Dealing with Teen Sadness’ instructional videos. His parents had already bought him the full set.

“Hey Dude,” Jackie said, as she leaned casually on the door frame.

“Hi Jackie,” Marco said, still not fully awake yet.

Jackie made her way to the bed so she could sit besides Marco. “I take it you haven't heard back from Star.”

Marco shook his head. “No. I can't get a hold of her either. I tried calling her Compact Mirror, but it’s out of service.”

Jackie looked down, choosing her next words carefully. “Well, I’m sure she’s fine, and I don’t think she’d want you to spend all of your time worried sick about her.”

“I know, I know... What I’ve been doing hasn't exactly been healthy but...” Marco closed his eyes. “I can't help but be depressed about it! Like, this was going to be an epic Summer with the three of us all hanging out together. But then this drama happened, and Star looked so scared before she left and… and…”

Jackie grabbed Marco’s hand between both her palms. “Look, Star’s the toughest girl we know. I’m sure she can handle whatever she’s going through. Let’s have faith in her. I’m sure she will call, once she is done with whatever emergency came up.”

“Yeah. I guess so…” Marco sighed. Star was tough, but the fact that she left without even a hint as to what happened left him guessing. Mewni was sort of in chaos after Song Day. Did her parents force Star to come back to look for Glossaryck? Had Ludo made another move? Had her people rebelled once they knew the truth?

“And even if Star is away for awhile, we can still make the most of this Summer. So… to help get your mind off things, I went ahead and bought these Mackie Hand DVDs for us to watch. We can binge them at my place.”

Marco looked up. Wow, that was actually really thoughtful of her. Jackie had been trying to get him out the house for days. He had been so worried about Star, he didn't stop to realize how he must've been worrying Jackie. Any other girl would’ve been fed up with Marco by now.

“That... sounds really nice actually. I’d love to.” It would be nice to take a break from the stress.

Jackie smiled as she reached over to hug Marco, but she turned back after only a few seconds.

“Um, wow. Marco, have you showered recently?” Jackie asked.

Marco turned red. “Um, I forgot to yesterday. I should probably take one before we marathon Mackie, huh?” In truth, Marco had been wearing the same black jeans and red hoodie since the End-of-the-School-Year party, but he dared not admit that to Jackie.

“Yeah, you go do that. I’ll be chilling in your bedroom til you finish.”

“Wait. In my bedroom? You could just wait in the living room. My parents don’t bite, you know.”

Jackie smiled devilishly. “What’s wrong? Hiding something in there you don't want me to see?”

“N-no. Nothing like that. I just didn't think we were at that stage yet…”

“Relax. I’m not a snooper or anything. I just wanted to check out your Manga collection.”

Marco’s eyes widened. “You like Manga too?” He had no idea. He always pegged Jackie as too cool for comic books.

Jackie gave her boyfriend a kiss on the nose. “There's a lot we don't know about each other. That's what I’m trying to change before Summer ends.”

Too flustered to respond, Marco left the room and rushed to his bedroom to grab a new change of clothes. He then walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

As he began taking off his clothes, Marco couldn't help but notice the sink. Even though Star’s room had changed back to normal, all of her hygiene stuff was still there, scattered across the floor. It at least gave Marco hope that Star might come back one day to retrieve it all. I mean, who’d leave behind a magic floating hairdryer like that?

Marco stepped into the shower and turned on the hot water, letting his greasy hair get soaked. As the shower went on, he started to feel the energy come back to him. Showers always did help revitalize him.

Once he was fully satisfied, Marco stepped out of the shower and dried himself off. He then put his new clothes on and walked over to his bedroom.

He saw Jackie was sitting on his bed, holding his dimensional scissors in her hand. Her fingers wrapped around both closed blue handles, right below the fiery eye sigil. On the blades, he saw his own name, briefly highlighted by reflecting light from the window.

Well, so much for her not being a snooper. Marco was pretty sure he put those inside his dresser.

“Marco, what are these?” she asked.

Marco gulped. He really didn't want to explain Hekapoo’s scissor quest. It was a really long story, and one for another time. He decided to keep his explanation as simple as possible.

“They’re… dimensional scissors. They’re what allow Star to go from Mewni to Earth.”

“And you just… had these this whole time?”

“Um… yeah.” Marco thought that was pretty obvious. His name was on them and everything.

Jackie stood up. “Why haven't you used these to find Star?”

“I… I…” Marco was somewhat at a lost for words. He didn't expect that kind of reaction from Jackie. What happened to just having faith in Star? 

Jackie continued to stare him down.

“I just think… that based on how Star acted that night, it’s clear she doesn't want me involved with what she’s going through.”

“But aren't you worried about her? What if she’s in danger? It’s already been a week since she left...”

“Of course I’m worried!” Marco said. “But I’m not going there just to get in the way. I’d only be a liability.”

“That’s ridiculous. You fought Monsters with her all the time. You wouldn't be some helpless damsel.”

“Jackie, please listen.” Marco took a deep breath. “I know fighting Ludo’s monsters might’ve seemed like a big deal to you, and it did to me at first too. I honestly felt super badass the first time I fought them with Star. But spend one day in Mewni and you’d realize how outclassed I am. Heck, I almost died during one of her family picnics!”

Jackie froze. There was a reason Marco didn't tell her how dangerous hanging out with Star was.

“Trust me, I know I wouldn't be any help to her. I’m just a kid. If I recklessly go to Mewni without knowing the full story, I’ll just get myself in trouble, and next thing you know, Star is destroying her wand just to bail me out.” That was still a painful memory to recall.

Marco clenched his fist. He hated admitting how weak he was, but it was true. It took him 16 years just to get to the same level as Hekapoo. That alone told him how he wasn't ready for this. If only he could take his adult body to Mewni!

Jackie put her hand on Marco’s shoulder. “You’re selling yourself short, dude. You’re right, I’ve never been to Mewni, and I don't have a good point of reference, but can you honestly tell yourself that Star would’ve always been fine without you constantly backing her up?”

Marco thought back to a particular night. A night where Star almost got her face lasered off by an ugly elephant princess. It’s true that if Marco wasn't there, her life could've been over. There were actually a lot of times he’d saved her…well, maybe not a lot, but some… What if this turned out to be one of those times, and he wasn’t there?

“Also, are you sure it’s just confidence issues that are preventing you from seeing Star?” Jackie asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Um… Star saying she has a crush on you?” she pressed, suddenly frowning a bit.

“W-what does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, you’ve kind of been avoiding talking about it with me, so…”

Marco blinked. “You think I haven't been looking for Star because of that?”

“Not saying that's the reason. Just, you know, a potential one...”

Marco sat down on his desk chair. He couldn’t believe his girlfriend would accuse him of something so petty.

Sure, Star’s confession left Marco with… conflicted feelings, but he honestly hadn't thought about it at all. He was more concerned with her safety.

Jackie inched slightly closer to Marco while staying on his bed. “I think we should talk about it.”

Marco didn't say anything. He wouldn't even know where to begin.

Jackie took Marco’s silence as refusal. “Come on, Marco. I know this is awkward, but things aren't gonna magically go back to the way they were if we just ignore this. It’ll just make things more awkward.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don't know? Something? Is that too much to ask? Right after Star said all that stuff to you and left, you didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.”

“I was kind of freaking out for the rest of that night, Jackie.” ...and panicking, and hyperventilating, and crying...

“Still, do you know how that made me feel?”

Marco rubbed the back of his head. “Jackie, I’m really sorry about that, but-”

“And no offense to Star, but did she really, really need to tell you that in front of everyone? Why does she always have to make a giant show out of everything?” asked Jackie, her expression hardening ever so slightly.

She had a point. That was a little too much. But if Song Day was anything to go by, making a giant show of little things was Butterfly tradition. Star didn't mean any harm by it. “I’m… also sorry if she embarrassed you.” 

“And now there are rumors going on about us, which I had the pleasure of hearing all week." Jackie sighed, as if emotionally exhausted. "I can't even make a few steps in public without being stopped by gossipers.”

“I’m sorry about that too.” Marco said, somewhat lamely.

Jackie didn't respond. It was clear Marco’s apologies alone wouldn't be enough. “Do you know which rumor seems to be the favorite? That once Star left, you had this sudden epiphany of how much you love her. So you broke up with me on the spot and left Earth to track her down and tell her how you really feel.”

Marco couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of that tale. His classmates really did have active imaginations. “What?! That is ridiculous! I haven't left Earth once since that night.”

“It is ridiculous, but what was I supposed to tell them? 'Oh, Marco’s still here. He just hasn't left his house at all. He’s been spending all of his time depressed about Star being gone while sleeping in her old room. We’re definitely still together though.’" Marco had to admit that really wasn't much better, now that he thought about it. "I know they’re just dumb rumors, but… I’m really unsure about us right now.”

Yeah, maybe he did go a little overboard with his grieving…

Now Marco really started to see where she was coming from. To him it was obvious he was still Jackie’s boyfriend. It’s what he wanted to be for years and just thinking about it now made him giddy, but he never bothered to reassure her once. He really did become too focused on Star.

Marco remembered how Star was planning to keep her crush on him a secret for the remainder of her time on Earth. She was the reason Marco was able to work up the courage to even approach Jackie in the first place. She wouldn’t let her own feelings get in the way of that. That truly said everything about what a great friend she is.

Star wouldn’t have felt compelled to say all that stuff the way she did, in front of everyone, in front of Jackie, unless she was sure she’d never be able to see them again. It wasn’t just an awkward confession to Marco, but a tearful goodbye to nearly every friend she’d made that last year. 

Something serious really did go down in Mewni. Marco was positive about that. Star didn’t want him involved, likely to protect him, and he didn’t want to repeat the same mistake he made at the Blood Moon Ball. He wasn’t Star’s hero, he was her friend. He’d respect her wish for him to stay on Earth, and only leave once she herself asked for his help (whatever good that’d be). 

Afterall, it wasn’t like she was alone. Marco had seen her father in action plenty of times, and while he never saw much of Star’s mother, he knew she was capable of powerful magic even without a wand. Oh yeah! And the Magic High Commission! He got his ass handed to him by Hekapoo plenty of times to know how crazy powerful she was, and she was just one member.

Yeah, Star had no shortage of powerful allies. She would be fine. He needed to relax. He needed to focus on cheering up Jackie. And most importantly, he needed to set the record straight with her.

Marco got off his chair and sat besides Jackie.

“Jackie, I’m so sorry. I am worried about Star, because she’s my best friend. But that doesn’t mean I’m in love with her. You’re my girlfriend, Jackie, and I feel like a jerk for making you question that fact for even a second. You were right, I just need to have faith that Star can handle her own problems. I’m not going to sulk in that room anymore.”

Jackie looked shocked at Marco’s apology. To her it must’ve been like talking to a completely different person than the one from a few seconds ago. “Really?”

“Of course! I’m ready to start acting like your boyfriend again. In fact, let’s put an end to those stupid rumors today. We can go to the park right now and you can start teaching me how to skateboard. That’s something you’ve always wanted, right? Then everyone from school can see we are very much a couple. I mean… if you’d like to… of course.” Marco was fine with doing anything as long as it cheered her up.

Jackie beamed at Marco. “I’d… love to. I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend my day, honestly.”

Marco grabbed Jackie’s hands. “Then let’s go. We’ll save the DVDs for later. We have to buy me a skateboard and some safety gear first.” He attempted to leave the room with her but Jackie loosened her grip on Marco.

“We’ll have to hold off on it. We can do all that wonderful stuff once you come back from Mewni.” Huh? Marco was really confused now.

“Jackie, I’m not going to Mewni. Star doesn’t want me there.” She may not have told Marco that directly, but he knew it was true.

“But Star might be in danger. And I know deep down you’re still worried. I’m worried for her too.”

Everyone was worried about Star. Marco's parents had been trying to put on brave faces for the sake of their son, but they’ve definitely been concerned over their daughter from Mewni. Janna and Starfan13 probably weren’t any different. Marco even heard from his mom that Oskar Greason came by to see if she came back yet. 

"So, well, if not for her sake, and not for your's..." Jackie held Marco by the cheek. “Can you at least do it for me?”

Marco nodded. 

“Okay. I’ll go.” He wasn’t just doing it for Jackie. He desperately wanted to go as well, but at least with Jackie’s request he wouldn’t feel like he was being selfish.

“Great. I don’t want you to come back until you confirm Star’s okay.”

“But… what it that takes longer than an afternoon? If I’m gone, won’t you have those rumors to deal with?” he asked, concerned.

“I’m fine, dude," Jackie dismissed the issue with a wave and a smile. "I can handle a bunch of silly rumors. I just wanted to know where we stand.”

Marco was happy to have dispelled her fears.

"Now go make sure Star’s okay. And when you do come back, I’d be thrilled to see you crush it on a board. Just, dude, make sure you take a shower beforehand,” she laughed.

Marco chuckled. “Okay. It's a date.”

The two teenagers shared a kiss together. If you asked him, Marco couldn't have said why, but for some reason it felt better than the kiss at the Love Sentence concert, and even better than his first kiss at the park. When it was over, Marco and Jackie smiled at each other.

Marco then rushed out of the room and into the kitchen. There was one important thing he didn’t want to forget to take with him. It took him over a minute, but once he remembered where he hid them, he brought them back up to his bedroom.

“What is that?” Jackie asked. Looking at the box in Marco’s hands.

“Captain Blanche’s Sugar Seeds. They’re Star’s favorite cereal.” 

“Heh. How thoughtful.” Jackie handed Marco his scissors.

Marco opened the scissors and cut a portal into the air. He gave his girlfriend one last confident nod before disappearing inside.

\----

Marco realized, as he stood there in the dark barrel of the lint catcher, that he never did make good on his promise to Jackie. They never did go skating after that. He had been so wrapped up on his little summer adventure in Mewni, and his delusions of being a knight, that he had neglected his girlfriend. Again.

Months ago, before they even started dating, Marco had said that he wanted to get to know the real Jackie. But time after time, his actions told a different story. Did he really care about Jackie for Jackie, or only about what she represented in his mind? No wonder she had broken up with him! 

What was worse was that Jackie had basically done it for his sake, not hers, despite how terrible of a boyfriend he’d been. She was always pushing him to go after the things he truly wanted, even if it meant letting him go. He had wanted to come to Mewni and, not once, but twice, Jackie had given him the excuse to do so.

Well, here he was! Back on Mewni. Wasn't it great? Alone. Cold. Tired. Scared. About to be devoured by a gigantic fuzz monster.

He couldn't blame Jackie, or his friends, for it. They had only helped him do what he wanted to do. It was not their fault that he had lied to them, lied to himself. He had gotten so wrapped up on the emotions that followed Toffee's defeat, that he didn't even realize how small his own involvement with that whole affair had been. 

He had been bragging to them about being this great knight, just because River had hinted at the possibility that he might one day be one. Even if the king had been serious in his offer and not just making a fool of him, what did Marco really have to brag about? He had busted Star out of jail briefly, only to get captured right after. Like, right right after. Like, before-they-got-out-of-the-door after! If he hadn't come to Mewni for her, things would have likely turned out exactly the same in the end, with or without Marco.

Now it turned out, he was not even cut to be a squire, let alone a knight. Best case scenario, he would hold out here until the morning, then cry to Lavabo to let him out. He would go back to Earth and apologize to Jackie, to his friends, to his family. He should apologize to Star too, now that he thought about it. Remembering that conversation with Jackie also reminded him of another thing he didn't do.

He never talked to Star about her confession! No wonder she was pissed at him! She had told him she had a crush on him, he had lived with her in Mewni for a week after Toffee was vanquished, and in all that time, he never gave her an answer! I mean, he supposed it was an answer by omission. Still, that was hardly fair. 

It’s just, well, it was awkward to bring it up, because... because he didn't feel the same way. Did he? And because he was with Jackie at the time. And now she was with Tom, and it must be awkward for her to be around Marco and... oh, crap! 

Small wonder Star didn't want him in the castle! Duh! How could he have been so blind? He had wanted them to go back to how things were before the summer, before Song Day, before her confession. And maybe they would have been, if he had had the guts to at least talk to her about what he wanted. 

If he had asked to remain friends, just friends, instead of walking in and out of her life at random, without ever acknowledging what she had told him about her own feelings. Why is that he hadn't been able to at least say that?

He couldn't blame Star either. He couldn't blame anyone else for where he was right now. It was he who had come to Mewni, he who had asked to become a squire, he who had walked every step of the way that led here... to his very probable death... and he was going to walk every step of the way out as well.

Marco closed his eyes in determination. His hand went inside the inner pocket of his red hoodie, and took out a pair of blue handled scissors. He was done waiting in fear. He was done feeling sorry for himself.

First of all, he had a way out, so he definitely wasn’t dying. That was just the self-pity talking.

He focused his thoughts on the warm morning California sun, and cut his first portal home. He wasn’t going to go through it. Not except as a last resort. But the light, flowing across dimensions, illuminated the scene around him.

He saw the inside of the wooden barrel, crisscrossed by strange mechanisms that seemed, at once rather archaic, and also far beyond what he would have expected to find in a medieval kingdom. He saw the clumps of pink glittery lint all around him, and he saw them begin to flow towards the front of the lint catcher’s fan. Slowly, awoken by the light, the creature begun to take shape again.

This time, Marco was ready. To say he wasn’t scared would be a lie, he was still terrified. But he was even more determined than he was afraid. He was ready.

He took out his blue cape - well, King River’s meat blanket, really - and laid it hanging over his left arm, hiding his right hand behind the fabric. He clicked his heels together, stood tall, glanced at the beast defiantly, and shouted, “Ole!!”

Like bull towards bullfighter, the lint creature charged towards Marco, propelling itself from the floor and walls of the lint catcher with its many tentacles. The human boy waited, and waited, as the monstrosity drew closer and closer to him. Then, in the last minute, he moved his arm, removing the cape from the way, and with his hidden hand, the hand holding the dimensional scissors, he cut open a portal. 

He jumped up and backwards, making the opening as large as he could. It was not enough. Not enough to get the huge creature, despite its pliable form, to go through the portal. But he did manage to get its face, and most of its mouth, stuck through the swirling dimensional gateway. Somewhere over the black empty void, an unimaginable distance away from here, the missing half of the monster roared.

Marco didn’t miss his chance, he ran as fast as he could, avoiding the blindly swatting tentacles that remained this side of the portal. Soon he reached his goal: the fan. 

He looked for a mechanism to restart it, and, finding none, resorted to pulling on the ventilator’s blades. When his grasp wasn't enough to move it, he jumped on it, lifting himself up the ground and gripping the downwards-heading blade with both hands, using the weight of his whole body. 

It didn’t budge. Crap! It was stuck. Try as he might, Marco was not strong enough, nor heavy enough, to restart the fan on his own. Behind him, he heard trashing and struggling, and finally a snapping sound. A shadow began to rise, covering up the light from his first portal.

He turned to look back, and what he saw confirmed his fears. The creature had pulled its maw from the portal and now looked back at Marco with what he imagined to be vengeful anger. Instead of jumping at him again, the creature extended a single tentacle in his direction. It moved in a straight line, like an uncoiling spring.

“Ah-ya!” Marco shouted, as he tried to block the incoming punch with his own arm. His form was flawless, but he could not match the force of the incoming strike. 

He barely managed to avoid getting snared by the tentacle as its punch threw him head first into the floor. Despite the fluffy appearance of its constituting material, this creature was stronger, way stronger, than him.

Wait a minute! It was stronger than him. Strong enough for sure to… 

Marco smiled.

He took the dimensional scissors into his hand again, and waited. The creature seemed to hesitate.

“Come on, come on,” Marco muttered under his breath.

Finally, with a piercing cry, the lint monster threw a second extending tentacle punch his way. Marco turned around and cut, and the creature’s appendage fell straight through the portal. 

The other end opened up, not back on Earth, not into the void, but inside that same room: an inch above one of the fan’s blades. Marco jumped right then, out of the way. He grasped one of the tubes on the wall the very second the creature’s punch unstuck the mechanism, and the fan roared back to life.

Briefly, the creature roared in return, before it was sucked out of the trap, ripped apart piece by piece, by the rotating blower.

“Yes! Take that!” Marco yelled victorious. “Who’s a genius? Marco Diaz! Marco Diaz!” he chanted to himself. There might have been some unbecoming hip motions involved.

So much for not making it as a squire! At this rate, he would be a true knight in no time. ‘Just you watch, King River! Just you watch!’ he thought, as he made sure to fold the blue meat blanket right into his hoodie’s long pocket, and put the scissors aside.

Oh, he couldn’t wait to tell Star about this! She would be so jealous that she missed out on such an adventure. He ran out of the lint catcher, skipping and jumping. He ran down the wooden stairs of the barrel contraption, and up the infinitely larger stone stairs that led back to Mewni castle.

Just wait until he told his bestie about the way he had used the scissors! The way he had stood up to a monster five times his size and beaten it with flair and ingenuity. It had been so freaking cool! And he’d done it all on his own this time. Hell, he could tell folks back in Echo Creek how he had used his cape like a matador! Dad would be so proud of him! Bullfighting had always been somewhat of a guilty pleasure to watch for his old man, despite being otherwise a gentle soul.

His joy was somewhat dashed when he found himself blocked by a huge closed wooden gate. By that, and by the business end of two halberds pointed towards his ribcage.

“Who is there?” asked one of the two guards flanking the door. “No one is to enter the castle at this hour!”

“Hey, no, no, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you guys. It’s just me, Marco,” he apologized, putting both hands in the air. “I am friends with Star. I just wanted to tell her something…”

Roaring laughter from the other guard was his response. 

“Friends with the princess? Really? Looking like that?!” underneath its metal helmet, the second guard shook his head at Marco. “Please, kid. You are covered in dust, and dressed in rags. If you want to sneak into the castle to steal some corn or something, you should make a better lie than that… now, move it along. You are not in trouble, yet, but don’t press your luck, ok boy?”

They didn’t believe him? Marco stood there for a moment, shocked. But, but, he was friends with Star. He had been seen with her in the castle, multiple times, before. He had been there for the battle against Toffee! Hell, he had been there for Song Day!

Wait, Song Day, that was it! 

“Oh, come on, guys! Don’t you remember Star’s princess song?”

The first guard responded coldly then, “By order of Moon the Undaunted, any mention about the rumors and calumnies regarding the Royal Book of Spells is to be considered…”

“What?! No, not that,” Marco waved his hands around dismissing that line of questioning. The last thing he wanted was to get Star’s family in any more trouble. “You know: ‘Who is the boy in the earthly attire’? ‘Star Butterfly yada yada best friend’? ‘His name is Marco Diaz’?!”

“Oh,” the second guard seemed to recall then. “Yeah, I remember, something about some Earth prince that the princess was in love with? But, come on, kid. Are you expecting us to believe that guy was you? That’s even worse than your first story. Reilly, I am beginning to believe the kid is delusional…” he ‘whispered’ to his colleague.

“I am not delusional. I am Marco Diaz!” he shouted, becoming increasingly frustrated.

“Look, kid, even if you were. Everyone knows the princess is dating the Prince Lucitor these days,” the second guard added. “Is not like we would just let in her bitter ex-boyfriend anyways, so your tale doesn’t even help you…”

“I… I see… nevermind then, sorry for wasting your time,” spoke Marco defeated. He turned away. He was not her ex, though, he was her best friend... Wasn’t he?

As he began descending down the long stone staircase that led back to the laundry room, he remembered he still had the scissors. He took them out, grasped the blue handle firmly, saw his name reflected in the gleaming metal. Who cared what these guards thought? He didn’t need their permission. He could cut open a portal right to Star’s room whenever he wanted!

But then again, wasn’t that what had gotten him in this trouble in the first place? Crashing into Star’s life, unannounced... unwanted?

Marco sighed. He did open a portal, not to Star’s room, but rather back to the laundry room, to the dark empty barrel of the lint catcher. There was no monster there anymore, and no fuzz to rest on, only the hard bare wooden floor. He extended his hoodie between himself and the planks, and River’s meat blanket over his own body, as he laid to rest. There, to the monotonous rumbling of the lint catcher’s fan, the Squire of the Wash fell asleep.

Tomorrow would be another, hopefully better, day.


	3. Rise and Wash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a new day brings new challenges, and we meet Marco's somewhat demented mentor.

“Marco Diaz! It is time to wake up!”

“Huh?” 

Marco looked up and saw Sir Lavabo towering over him. The bulky elder wasn’t exactly the nicest image to wake up to, but it was admittedly better than the usual laser puppy staring you in the eyes. If only because, while definitely cuter, waking up to Barko Diaz’s expectant gawking meant risking permanent blindness.

Not wanting to upset his new mentor, Marco quickly got up and put his hoodie back on. The meat blanket was all that remained of his on the floor. Marco questioned whether or not the thing was worth putting back on. The mere image of it brought back embarrassing memories from yesterday. 

There was also the fact that it was the final nail in the coffin of his relationship with Jackie. That too...

Finally deciding to just carry the blanket in his front pocket, Marco turned around to notice that Lavabo was carrying a most decidedly unknightly tool with him.

“Um… what’s with the shovel?” Marco asked curiously.

“Ah, this.” Lavabo looked at his shovel and sighed. “Well, you see, Marco Diaz, I must apologize. You had spent so long in the Lint Catcher, paralyzed with fear, that I was not sure of your chances of survival. So I brought this shovel with me in case it turned out you had died. To give you a proper burial.”

“What!?” Marco was taken aback by Lavabo’s bluntness. “If you didn’t think I was going to make it, then why’d you leave me there by myself?” He literally left Marco there to die!

Lavabo clenched his fist dramatically. “I’m sorry, I had no other choice. My shift always ends at 6:00 p.m. sharp, and overtime is strictly forbidden!” 

“Are you serious? That’s your reason?” Marco slowly and deliberately stepped further away from Lavabo and closer to the lint catcher’s exit. There’s no way he’d survive nine months with this lunatic.

“Of course, I would have helped you if you had called out prior, but doing so would terminate your squireship. All squires must pass this trial on their own before starting. It has been the way of the Wash for generations.” he explained, solemnly.

“Yeah, whatever,” Marco said coldly as he made his way to the wooden stairs. This wasn’t worth it. Marco would go to Star and see if there was anyone else he could squire under. He’d beg, if he had to.

“Marco Diaz, please wait!” Lavabo shouted.

Marco stopped and turned around, though he only did that so he didn't come off as rude. He’d hear the old man out and then politely run for his life. “What is it?”

“You always had the option of calling out for help. Deep down you know this to be true. Why didn’t you, then?” the old knight asked.

Marco thought it was obvious. Him just speaking was enough to alert the lint creature. Lavabo wouldn’t have made it in time. 

Then again, he had the scissors, so he did have a way out. So why was it that he hadn’t thought of it sooner? Too busy feeling sorry for himself?

Lavabo continued. “It’s because your pride wouldn’t allow it! Even in the face of death, you stood there for hours until you mustered up the courage to do what needed to be done! All on your own!”

Heh, Marco wasn’t gonna argue with that. He was pretty badass last night. 

“You are the first squire to successfully clean the Lint Catcher in decades,” Lavabo said.

Woah, really? Marco knew what he did was impressive, but not quite on that level.

“I was confused at first, when Princess Star brought in such a timid boy to take on such a daunting task. But after seeing what you have accomplished, I will never doubt her wisdom again. I can now see why she thinks so highly of you.”

Wait, did Star know about the Lint Catcher? Did she really think Marco could handle it? 

If so, he really did misinterpret her intentions when she brought him down here. Maybe she thought any other place in the castle wouldn’t be exciting enough, or enough of a challenge for him.

After all, he did tell Star, back when they first met, that he wanted some danger in his life. And ever since that, she used to drag him into all sort of dangerous adventures. Perhaps she thought that’s what he wanted, even if she didn’t have the time to go with him.

“I understand why you are upset with me. By even contemplating the possibility that you might fail, I did you a grave disservice. I should have had more faith in you. If a knight does not believe in his squire, then who will?” 

Then, without warning, Lavabo held his shovel out with both hands, and snapped it in half with his knee. That was probably meant to be some sort of grand gesture that would move Marco, but to him, it just seemed like a waste of a perfectly good shovel.

Marco awkwardly scratched the back of his head. “Um, I don't hate you or anything, but what you put me through last night was really intense. Maybe you should tone down your newbie trials. You know, ease them into it a little better.” It would at least lower the number of child corpses.

Lavabo frowned. “I do not have time for such coddling. The Wash is not a playground. It is a battlefield where only the strongest survive.” He held a fist up in the air to punctuate his speech. “That trial is meant to show the squire that harsh truth first hand.”

Well, it certainly worked.

“You show great potential, Marco Diaz. I never had a squire in the forty years I’ve been here, not for more than a night. I grow older with each day, and cannot keep up with this place. I need you. If you were to leave now, it would be one of Mewni’s greatest tragedies.”

Geez, now Marco was starting to feel bad for the guy. There was such sincerity in Lavabo’s voice that Marco knew he wasn't exaggerating.

The squire sighed. Alright, what the hell. How much worse could it get?

“Well, if there’s literally no one else who can squire for you, then I guess I don’t have a choice,” Marco said, shrugging.

Lavabo beamed at the boy and clapped. “Ha ha, excellent! You are indeed a brave soul!”

Marco attempted to hide the fact that he was blushing. “Heh, um, thanks.”

“We will begin today’s work in a half-hour. Use that time however you like,” Lavabo said, as he made his way outside the lint catcher.

“Hold on a sec,” Marco said. “I need to find out where I’ll be staying during the night. Do each Knight and Squire get their own room or…”

“Ah. I forgot you are from another dimension. The way it works here is that people live in these things called 'houses’ that are located within 'towns.’”

“Um, yeah. We have those on Earth too.” Marco rolled his eyes. “But I’m supposed to be living with the Butterfly family, so shouldn't I get a room in the castle?” It stated such on Marco’s Foreign Exchange Student papers. Granted those documents were technically forged, but still! He couldn't just sleep in the lint catcher every night! Right?... Right?!

Lavabo shrugged. “You'll have to discuss it with the queen, then. If it doesn't work out, though, you are free to stay at my home.”

“Thanks, but I’ll be fine.” Marco just had to apologize to Star for how he acted yesterday and then she would princess him his own room.

Marco leaped off the lint catcher and ran towards the sub-basement stairs, but was stopped short.

“Uh, what is this?” Marco asked, confused by the sight.

What stood in front of the squire was a mountain of clothing and garments. The number of articles of clothing must have been in the thousands. No, scratch that, tens of thousands. Marco couldn't even see the wall behind, but was positive that was where a large door and two pickup windows were located. He was completely blocked off from exiting The Wash.

“Today's workload is particularly daunting,” Lavabo said, examining the pile thoughtfully. “You couldn't have come at a better time!”

“W-where did all this come from?” Marco recalled seeing a few big piles on his way out to find Star last night, but it wasn't anything like this.

“This is the bulk of laundry from the villagers, who live outside the castle. It gets delivered here early in the morning. In addition to that, we have piles that belong to knights, squires, castle staff, and high nobility respectively.”

Marco looked around the large room. Lavabo was right. Four smaller but still frighteningly large piles surrounded them. One of them was nothing but blood-and-dirt-stained armor, which probably meant it was the knights’.

“We need to wash and organize all this before 6:00,” Lavabo said.

“Oh boy,” Marco said under his breath. He was in for a long day.

“If you need to leave before we begin, you can just dig your way out. It will all get cleaned in the end.” Lababo said.

Marco kept his distance from the exit. “You sure these piles won’t just float in the air and form into some type of bloodthirsty monster?”

“Sure? Ah, young squire, the only certainty is that nothing is certain!” Lavabo chuckled. “No need to worry. We will encounter other threats such as those in the lint catcher, but infrequently. These clothes should all be fine. Just stay away from the knight pile. Small creatures and curses from the forest tend to cling to their armor.” 

Marco felt like he should be taking notes. Not knowing this stuff could be the death of him. “So, if this stuff had been here since this morning, how did you manage to get inside?” 

“I digged a hole, as always. That shovel wasn’t just meant for you,” Lavabo said. “Now if you excuse me, young squire, I have a hole in the ceiling I must fix before we begin.” 

Once Lavabo was out of sight, Marco took out his scissors. 

He wanted to at least apologize to Star before beginning the day. He would just open a portal right outside Star’s room and then politely knock on the door like a decent person.

Before Marco created a portal, something caught his attention. Something green that was on top of the smallest very-big pile of clothing.

“My bag!”

Marco climbed to the top of the pile to retrieve his bag. Yesterday he was so busy being manhandled by knights that he forgot to take his luggage with him. But how did it end up here?

The squire looked above him and saw the end of a large laundry chute. Below him were several elegant gowns, blue coats, and childish dresses.

Ah. Star must have pushed his bag down the laundry chute to deliver it to him. 

Marco opened the bag to make sure everything was still inside, and found a folded piece of paper. He read what was on it.

> Hey Marco! Um… sorry for not checking up on you last night! I had to make a diplomatic visit to the Underworld and didn’t get home til late. You know how it is with being a princess, since you’re technically one as well! (LOL)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you’re having fun down there. Lavabo is actually a really cool guy, isn't he? Maybe we can meet up later and talk about… stuff! 
> 
> █████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████████████ ███████████████
> 
> So... a lot has happened here recently. Did you know Glossaryck came back to life and now he’s some weird man-baby? I’m not sure if he’s better or worse this way. And don’t even get me started on the Eclipsa drama, but I’ll have to explain that can of worms to you in person. 
> 
> Best Wishes -  Star Butterfly , Princess and Future Queen of the Butterfly Kingdom   
>  (p.s. Tom said he can’t wait to hang out with you again. But don’t tell him I said that!)

Marco smiled. It was good to know Star didn’t harbor a grudge against him. It was clear from her writing that she was in a better mood than yesterday. In addition to the cute touches like the fact that she literally wrote ‘um,’ there were also several doodles scattered across the page. One depicted Marco wearing armor while holding a mop and bucket. There were a couple of unreadable sentences in the middle that had been all blotted out with ink, but maybe that had just been her correcting a mistake or something?

He was still planning to apologize to Star, of course, but at least it wouldn’t be as awkward as he thought.

Marco put the paper aside and looked further in the bag, hoping to find some kind of room key Star left for him, but there was no such item inside. 

He sighed. Oh well, it probably didn’t cross her mind. He just needed to see her before the day was over.

Determined, Marco zipped up the bag and went searching for Lavabo. The sooner he finished what needed to be done, the sooner he could go meet with Star!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again, everybody! We are back with a somewhat short chapter. The good news is, Chapter 4 is well on its way do being done as well, so this should more like a week worth of waiting between now and then, rather than two months ;) 
> 
> Once more, this fic doesn't have a set update schedule, as our separate fics take priority (ars longa, vita brevis... :( ). That said, we are pretty excited to continue this story! And also happy to be moving from the mopey Marco montage for a bit... - APW


	4. Cleaning Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which dirty clothes abound, Lavabo must take care of a gown, another knight is introduced, and a matter of honor is discussed.

"Squire Diaz, reporting for duty!" Marco saluted confidently as soon as he spotted the old man, clicking his heels and briefly pressing the side of his palm to his forehead. Lavabo looked puzzled at this. Clearly, the gesture didn't translate well to Mewni's own martial etiquette. "So, uh, well, what should I be helping with?"

"Ah, yes, very well, Marco Diaz," the old man mussed. "I believe the larger pile might be the best one to start with, to get it out of the way before the more tricky challenges. It is a simple matter, really. Left wing for leather and wools. Right for most vegetable fabrics. Cotton on the southern vats. Separate by colors and dye type. Underwear on gentle, outerwear generally on the standard. I am happy to say, it should all be fairly intuitive..."

"Um, ok, so I need to do the big pile? All of it?" Marco confirmed. It seemed a bit much for his first day. After all, it was at least ten times as large as the other four combined.

"No, no. You misunderstand me, brave squire," the knight clarified. "After you are done with the townsfolk pile, I recommend you move on to the garments of the nobility, which are few but rather more delicate. Then, you may move onto those of the staff. The squire clothing comes next after. Finally, most of the knight armor needs to be inspected, hand scrubbed, and then oiled and polished. I should be at hand to help you by the time you get to those, since it would be unreasonable to expect you to know what to look for there the first few times around."

"Wait a minute! You 'should be at hand’? What are you doing while I wash everything else?!" the boy complained. It seemed an awful lot to Marco like he was being handed most of the work. This many clothes would probably already be a daunting load for a hundred experienced workers on Earth, let alone an inexperienced apprentice, all by himself.

"Ah, yes, I suppose it would be ideal for me to directly supervise things on your first day. Alas, I cannot do so," Lavabo lamented. "Lady Syrma's gown arrived today as well. I am afraid cleaning that will keep myself occupied until mid-afternoon."

"Oh, come on!" Marco protested. "You are saying I need to wash like a million clothes, all by myself, while you clean a single dress?!"

"Haha, of course not. Do not be ridiculous! There are only eighty three thousand six hundred and forty two individual pieces of clothing in here today, counting those we both are wearing. Besides, I'll just be inside the special treatment room. Only a shout away from any questions you might have. So, well, good luck, Marco Diaz, and may you do the Wash proud!"

As he spoke, Lavabo grabbed a small pine box from the ground near the nobility pile, and turned around towards a battered door, before strutting in and rapidly slamming the door behind him. 

It looked like any other of the laundry room's many enclosed sub-divisions: tiny wooden rooms within the huge labyrinthine chamber that was the Butterfly Castle's sub-basement beyond the ‘Knights of the Wash' pick-up window. However, this particular enclosure seemed worse for wear than the rest. The door was missing two out of three hinges, and the windows around it were barred with planks of wood. Broken glass lay on the floor under every single one of them. Atop the door, a crooked sign read "SPECIAL TREATMENT ITEMS - STAFF AND HEROES ONLY".

The following hours went by in a whirlwind for Marco, as he moved clothes by the cartload from one side of the enormous laundry room to the other. He would, for example, begin by diving into the pile, feeling out blindly for the telltale itching of wool against his arms or face, grab a handful articles of that material, then dive out to put them inside a wheelbarrow. All while ignoring the grunts and shouts coming from the special treatment room. He would repeat the process until the cart was full of one particular type of fabric, then rush out with it towards the corresponding wing of the complex.

Each wing was filled with rows upon rows of huge wooden buckets, inside which some Archimedean contraption stirred pine paddles to produce a effect similar to that Marco would associate with a modern washing machine. Specific buckets were meant for different types of clothes and different colors, running at different speeds and temperatures, adding different soapy mixes into the clear water. 

The rows were long enough that it would take him upwards of five minutes to run across to their farthest end, and he would need to rush up and down the wing’s length with his cart, dropping each individual item in the corresponding 'washing machine'. Cotton was the worst, since, for some unknowable reason, the southern vats were a full twenty minutes away from the rest of the complex. They also consisted of enormous tin containers that could only be accessed through a narrow fenceless bridge passing high above them. It didn't help that the whole place was a bizarre cross between a dry cleaning business and Indiana Jones' god-damned Temple of Doom.

All the while, Lavabo seemed to possess some form of supernatural intuition bordering on prescience. As soon as Marco was about to make a mistake, he would shout correcting instructions: 

"Remember, Marco Diaz, Mohair Wool is distinct of Lamb's and Sheep's and must be put in buckets 30 through 45, which run at its preferred temperature."

"For Edward the Hunter’s prize boots, I must warn you: warnicorn leather is an exception among the beast hides, and must go in tin 53 only. Do make sure the maiden tears were added this morning, if you please."

"Salamander crimson dye is explosive when combined in the same tub with the simpler crustacean based red, so please make sure to distinguish them properly."

Marco did as commanded, and he tried his best to keep the ever growing list of instructions and special cases straight in his head. But by noon that day, he was tired, confused, and his hands looked like prunes from submerging them into the various washing tubs and cleaning solutions. Worst of all, the larger pile hadn't seemed to diminish in the slightest, not to mention the other four, or the drying process.

"This is absurd!" he shouted at the closed door. "There is no way even the two of us could get through all these clothes in a day. Let alone I by myself. Besides, what on Earth does any of this have to do with being a squire, or becoming a knight?!"

As if on cue, one of the boarded windows of the special treatment room broke down that very moment. Splintered wooden pieces and sawdust came flying out from it, and behind those, Lavabo's body too flew through the air. He turned around in mid air, landing on his feet. He was wearing a full suit of plate armor and brandishing a coal-heated clothes iron. The strange implement seemed made out entirely of gleaming silver. 

"Nothing on Earth, perhaps, Marco Diaz. But on Mewni, the Order of the Wash is among the oldest and most honorable of our chivalric traditions. While our tasks are not always easy, and not always visible to those we serve, I guarantee you, there is great reward in rising to their challenges!"

Having made his speech, Lavabo once more jumped into that strange room through the window. Marco heard a hissing sound and the knight shouting, and then, for a moment, silence.

Sighing, the human boy turned back towards the piles of clothing once more. Perhaps, what he needed was some positive reinforcement. Some sense of completion. Maybe if he finished the smaller pile first, rather than the largest one, he would at least felt he had gotten something done. Carefully, he walked towards the nobles’ pile, and began separating silk, velvet and jewelry.

Before he could even get his first cartload out of that pile - a batch of blue silk, which seemed among the most abundant combinations - Marco saw something that stopped him on his tracks. It was one of the plainest things in the noble clothes heap: a green summer dress with a rainbow pattern in front and a bear iron-on patch. Besides it was another green dress, this one with a cartoon octopus in the front. Below that one, a blue dress, and an assortment of smaller articles. He recognized Star's clothes immediately.

None of those fit the category on which he had decided to focus. As a matter of fact, there was only one item in that grouping that was made of silk, it was not blue, and Marco was far too much of a gentleman to pay it much mind. Instead, he took a quick glance to confirm Lavabo's door was still closed, and gently picked up the first dress. As his hands brushed the garment, he noticed two thin vertical cuts on its upper back. 

At first, he was worried the dress had somehow become damaged in the chute, but he quickly realized what those were: holes to accommodate Star's wings. How come he had never noticed that before?

There were also a couple food stains on the dress. Marco chuckled. For a princess, Star’s table manners left a lot to be desired, and she could be downright messy at times. It was something she almost took pride on. After having experienced St. Olga's Reform School for Wayward Princesses and their take on ‘manners’, Marco could not say he didn't sympathize with his friend's reaction. 

He held one of the stains closer, and examined it with a careful eye. Despite having spent the entire morning looking at dirty clothes, Marco wasn't an expert quite yet. But it looked like an ice-cream stain to him. Strange, he didn’t recall seeing this stain when he saw her yesterday, wearing that same dress.

And despite Star’s letter saying she’d went on a diplomatic visit to the Underworld, there were no formal dresses of hers in the royal pile. Just her plain outdoor dresses. What was up with that? 

Oh, right! Marco felt a bit slow. Of course. Star had said she and Tom were an item, hadn't she? And he did just interrupt their date earlier that same day. So, well, it stood to reason that 'a diplomatic visit to the underworld' was simply code for 'a date with Tom'. That explained the p.s. note too.

A lot really had changed since he was last here. It was hard to imagine those two getting back together, let alone Star giving the demon the time of day. While Tom had made several attempts to hang out with Star last year, most likely in an attempt to patch things up, she would always answer him with cold refusal. After which, Tom would always angrily stomp to Marco’s room and ask if he was busy.

That was usually how the two teenage boys wound up spending the day together. Marco was Tom’s backup plan. Not that Marco minded. Things started rocky at first between them, what with the kidnappings and the threats of arson, but after a while, the two started to form a genuine friendship. It helped that Tom eventually made legitimate attempts at improving himself. Clearly, those attempts paid off. Somehow, in the weeks that Marco was away from Mewni, Tom had managed to win Star back.

Which, you know... was great! 

No, really. Marco didn’t mind at all. It wasn’t like Marco was in a position to judge anyway. He wasn’t gonna act like an overprotective brother anymore. Star was perfectly capable of making her own decisions, and apparently she decided to spend the day with Tom instead of him! 

Tom was her boyfriend after all, so it was understandable he took priority. He was happy for Star and Tom. Good for them! What a happy couple!

…

Marco looked around the room and saw the five daunting piles of laundry again. The same piles that looked identical to how they were this morning. 

He really didn’t want to be here.

Marco took the scissors out, and envisioned the hallway in front of Star's room. He would do things right this time around. He would knock, see if she was in, ask where she was otherwise and, when he found her, he would ask her if she had time to hang out for a bit. If she was busy, then no harm done. It’s not like he was trying to be the third wheel if she and Tom were on their own, or to distract her from her royal duties. But what was the harm in asking? Perhaps he could join her for lunch, then portal back into the laundry room to do as much work as humanly possible before six.

The door of the special treatment room fell down open just as Marco was getting ready to make a cut with the dimensional scissors. Perhaps the old knight could truly see him from behind walls. Marco turned around to apologize and ask to leave anyways, only to realize the door had literally crashed to the ground, its last good hinge severed. Lavabo rolled away from the entrance in quite a hurry.

"Marco Diaz, my apologies for the distraction from your own task," he exclaimed. As he said so, he stood up again, clothes iron in hand. It was only then that Marco realized that there was some strange golden inscription wrapping around the iron’s base. Its letters shone with a light all of their own, faint but yet far too strong to be mistaken for the simple reflective gleam of the metal.

Soon after the Knight of the Wash, came a bright midnight blue gown, floating in mid air. It moved mesmerizingly through the empty space, as if worn by an invisible dancer. A shadowy purple fog seemed to follow behind it, like ever-forming storm clouds. The item itself was sleeveless, but out of the far side of the straps, where the arms of a person would have been, two whips of dancing lightning sprang out instead. One of them jumped, quick like a cobra, towards where Lavabo had just been. Fortunately, the knight managed to not be there anymore, just in the nick of time.

"My apologies to you as well, milady," Lavabo bowed towards the dress, before jumping out of the way to avoid a second bolt of lightning. "I had hoped to do this more respectfully, as well as privately, but I am afraid you must vacate that gown, and join the rest of Lady Syrma on a better world than ours."

The knight ran towards the floating piece of clothing in a complex zig-zag pattern, avoiding its strikes. He lifted a large triangular shield on his left hand, while he readied the enchanted clothes iron behind him on his right. As he blocked one final lightning hit with the shield, he twisted his entire upper body for the counter-strike.

"Magic must rest when the body at last goes into the final sleep. Of Lady Syrma remains: the memory of her deeds..."

He swiped at the dress with the iron then, and where the instrument touched it, the clothing became slack.

"... the thoughts of those who loved her..."

Another swipe, over one of the straps, and one of the lightning-arms went out.

"... and the legacy of her bravery, wisdom, and kindness."

One more hit, and the other arm went out.

"We have no need of phantasms to remember her by, nor must we be reminded to honor her. But this, her favorite gown, we do need, to be worn one last time by her remains, at her wake, where the living may say their goodbyes."

He knelt down in front of the falling dress, dropped the iron to the floor, and caught the fabric reverently, folding it neatly. There was a brief moment of complete silence.

"What... what was that?!" Marco finally exclaimed. The entire fight had been over in less than a minute once both knight and dress were out of the small room, and the human boy had been frozen in awe for all of it.

"Once again, apologies for the interruption," Lavabo started, in a more casual tone than the one he had used just before. "I will instruct you further in this sort of procedure, of course, should you continue long enough as my squire. But, the short of the matter is that when a person of great innate magical ability dies, part of their magic will sometimes find purchase in the objects that are of significance to them. Clothes being, by far, the most common home for masterless magic."

"Like a ghost?" Marco asked.

"Yes, sort of. But also, not at all like that," the knight observed. "In any case, when this happens, it is one of the sworn duties of the Order of the Wash to put these manifestations to rest in an honorable and respectful manner. I was forced to be less gentle than is ideal with this particular Poltergown, I am afraid. I perhaps gave a bad example, but Lady Syrma's magic was exceptionally strong in life, and I am becoming less and less nimble in my old age. All the more reason to be glad that I finally found a squire to train in the ways of the Wash!"

Well, when you put it that way, Marco felt like a jerk for even thinking about ditching the old man just now, even if only for an unauthorized lunch break.

Also, Marco glanced at Star's green dresses, suddenly apprehensive. Whomever this Lady Syrma was, Star’s magic was a force of destruction even when the princess was around to reign it in. If something like this ever happened after Star... no, he could not think about that, and not just because of the ghosts left behind.

"So, ok," he added, "let's say I mostly understood that. What about the iron then? Is that magical or something?"

"Or something indeed!" Lavabo beamed. "Very perceptive. This is a sacred clothes iron, lifted centuries ago by one of my predecessors from a certain stone ironing board, to which it had been fused to the point of being half stuck inside it. It shouldn't be confused with a certain other enchanted clothes iron, which was gifted to the order by an aquatic sprite of some power. This particular implement can calm restless powers, break many hexes, smooth the most stubborn wrinkles and, this is the most impressive part, when used properly, it will never damage even the most delicate of fabrics!"

The whole thing sounded familiar enough that Marco thought at first that the knight was pulling his leg. But then he realized there was no way he could be familiar with any Earth legends.

"Now, if that's all," the old man concluded. "There are a few final rites I must perform on this gown, and I can see you are drastically behind schedule. So I believe we must both get back to work immediately."

Marco was honestly going to do just that, without protest. Unfortunately, right then, there was this loud forceful knock on the pick up window. Followed, with barely any pause, by a second round of impatient knocking.

"Ah, just a moment Sir!" called back Lavabo.

He placed Lady Syrma's gown delicately atop a wooden chair, then did a literal back flip, switching the direction he was facing towards in mid air, and raced to open the pickup window. A strong and forceful hand pushed the rest of the door open, almost slamming it on the old knight. Somehow, however, Lavabo seemed to magically find himself out of the way just in the nick of time.

The man behind the door was tall, muscular in a decidedly upper-body heavy way, and had a hairdo which had either been painstakingly preened, or perhaps just licked upwards by a giraffe. He sported a fiercely annoyed expression with the kind of expertise that suggested a more or less permanent mood to back it up. He wore gray shorts, a long sleeveless olive green vest, a gem encrusted belt, and two brown leather boots. He extended a hand forward, palm up.

"Afternoon, laundryman," he greeted Sir Lavabo, perfunctory. "I require my armor back at once and in ready condition!"

Lavabo blinked. "Ah, but I believe the only garments of yours we have were delivered this morning, in rather bloody condition, at that. The Wash's promise is a 24 hours one, 48 on weekends. That is an ancient and sacred oath, and a Knight of the Wash would sooner die than break it! However... I am afraid the twenty-four hours are not yet up."

"Disgraceful!" bellowed the other knight. "You old fool! How do you expect, I, Sir Stabby the Valiant, to perform my knightly duties without my armor in shining condition?!"

"I would not, of course. Has there been an emergency?" asked the old knight. "I was under the impression you had no quests impending until mid next week. Not to mention, a second set of armor as a backup? I tended to that one merely three days ago."

"Yes, of course it is an emergency!" cried Sir Stabby. "The Mewni Mead Madness festival is tonight. Not that you’d care, but It is enough that I must contend with the likes of Sir Dashing of Muzzleton - a pox upon that gorgeous, gorgeous man! - now you are telling me I must impress the town maidens with my battered old armor?! Unacceptable!"

Geez, this guy was annoying. Couldn’t he see this giant mess of clothes he and Lavabo had to go through? They didn’t have time for his whining. ”Sorry Sir, but there's nothing we can do about it. You’ll just have to wait like everyone else.” Marco said

Sir Stabby glared at Marco. “So, the old coot finally got himself a squire. The princess’ former boyfriend if I’m remembering correctly.”

“Oh for the love of… we never dated!” Marco said, perhaps a little too defensively.

The knight seemed rather amused by Marco’s outburst. “Easy there, boy. Your motivations for being here do not concern me, but I’m no fool, so I’ll offer some advice as your superior. If you wish to impress the young lady through great deeds, you won’t achieve them down here.”

“What do you mean?”

“The Wash is isolated from the rest of the Kingdom. People never stop to think about the person that cleans their clothing, they just throw it all in the Wash Box and expect it back the next day. There is no gratitude to be earned or given. Now, the ones who are out there protecting the kingdom from vile monsters, those are the Knights of Mewni. Those are the brave men and women who are immortalized in the history books. If you want to impress any ladies, let alone the princess, you’d have to be squiring for a real knight, not a laundryman."

“Um, excuse me?” Marco said. “Sir Lavabo is a real knight!” He had just seen him fight some crazy lightning-slinging ghost, not to mention that damn thing inside the lint catcher. Who was this guy to say that job didn’t count as protecting the kingdom?

Sir Stabby lifted an eyebrow at him. “You think I would be so stupid as to consider that clothes folder an equal? Please. There's a reason why every previous squire before you had quit after the first day. Clearly tolerance for tedium is your strong suit.”

What the hell was his problem? “The reason every squire before me quit is because they couldn't handle the deadly monstrosities that 'clothes folder’ fights on a daily basis.” While Marco was relieved no one really died in the lint catcher, it annoyed him that those who failed the test likely lied to cover their asses. “In fact, I’d like to see you do it!”

The knight didn't say anything at first, likely believing Marco was just joking, but after realizing his words were genuine, he laughed heartily. “Ha, deadly you say? The only thing I see in here that’s likely to strangle you is that drab turtleneck over there. I suggest spending a day in the Forest of Certain Death and revising your loose definition of the word 'monstrosity.’”

At this point, Marco was used to being treated poorly by the knights of Mewni, but this guy needed to be pushed off his high horse. “If I remember correctly, didn't the Knights of Mewni lose the kingdom to a bunch of wild rats a while back? I guess you were off that day.” Marco said with a cocky smile.

Apparently Marco had crossed a line he shouldn't have crossed, because Sir Stabby unsheathed his sword while gritting his teeth in anger. Marco felt a little stupid for not predicting what would happen if he antagonized a man named Sir _Stabby_.

“Hmph, perhaps the squire needs to be taught proper etiquette. Lavabo has been too lax with you, so I’ll rise to the challenge!”.

Oh no.

Despite Sir Stabby and Marco being separated by the pickup window, it hardly mattered. Stabby thrust his blade towards Marco. 

Marco readied himself to parry the sword with a swift kick. However, something immediately obscured his view and he heard the clanging of metal.

Lavabo, being too fast for Marco to notice, had gone in between them and blocked Stabby’s assault. Lavabo had a knight’s chest plate in his hands and had stuck it out in front of him as a shield.

“Gentlemen! Now is hardly the time for sword training!” Lavabo turned towards his squire. “And Marco Diaz, next time you sword train, I’d highly recommend bringing an actual sword with you. May help your chances.”

“Um… yes sir,” Marco said, still overwhelmed by his knight’s sheer badassness.

“A pity, I would have liked to see the boy beg for his life, but I suppose that can wait another day,” Stabby said disappointed. He put his sword away. “I assume my armor is ready.”

Lavabo smiled. “Indeed it is! I did a quick polishing while you two were getting acquainted. Not my finest work, but considering the circumstances, it should be more than appropriate.” He handed the chest plate he was holding to Sir Stabby, who briefly examined it. 

Marco was once again in utter awe at Lavabo’s dedication to his work. He had been talking to Sir Stabby for only a minute, but in that short time, Lavabo had located Stabby’s armor among the knight’s pile, and gave said armor a polishing so good that you’d be forgiven for assuming it had never been worn. It was in pristine condition. Not a single particle of blood could be found.

Marco wondered about something though. “There isn’t even a dent on it where the sword hit.” 

“A knight’s weapon and armor set are magically bound to each other, as well as their owner, before they are considered truly theirs. Because of this strange bond each piece shares, they are unable to reshape or harm one another. This prevents the knight’s weapon from being used against them.” Lavabo said.

Huh. Guess that explained why Lavabo blocked with Stabby’s loose chest plate while already in full armor himself.

After a few more seconds, Stabby seemed satisfied with the results. “Very well. I’ll accept this as is. You have my thanks, laundryman.”

Lavabo already had the rest of the armor in a tightly knotted burlap sack. He gave it to Stabby over the Pick Up window counter. 

Marco was all ready to get back to work, but Stabby was not done with him yet. “One last thing, boy.”

Marco turned around. “The name’s Marco.”

Stabby ignored his correction. “I will admit, my defeat and imprisonment at the hands of those vermin will haunt me till the day I die. Despite that, I can sleep soundly at night knowing I was anything but a coward. Unlike, Sir Lavabo here.”

“What?” Marco said in confusion.

Lavabo simply shrugged and walked away.

"Look, boy, before you go idolizing this laundryman of yours. Ask yourself where was he during Ludo's attack." Sir Stabby smiled victoriously. "Forgot to consider that, did you?" 

Marco glanced back at Lavabo, who was slowly picking up Lady Syrma's gown from the wooden chair, carrying it back towards the special treatment room.

"I'll tell you were he was, boy. While all the rest of us were up there fighting the filthy rodents, outnumbered fifty to one, your 'honorable Knight of the Wash' was where he’s always been: hiding down here among his piles of dirty laundry!”

The older knight gave no sign of having had heard, and disappeared into the now doorless room. 

Stabby grinned at Marco, then shrugged, turned, and walked away from the pick up window. “That’s the man you are working for, boy. A laundryman, nothing less… and nothing more,” he muttered by way of a goodbye.

\----

Marco rushed inside the dingy old room, literally stepping on the fallen placard reading "SPECIAL TREATMENT ITEMS - STAFF AND HEROES ONLY". 

Inside, he found a spartan chamber, with no furniture besides the broken remains of two wooden chairs, a metal shelf full of strange laundry implements, and a large stone altar, roughly the size of an ironing board. It was undecorated, except for three small silver bowls on as many of its corners. Lavabo was busy pouring some lavender colored liquid from a glass vial into a fourth identical silver receptacle and placing it on the final corner.

“Yes, Marco Diaz?” spoke the old night, without turning back.

“Sorry but, the stuff that guy just said, about you staying down here during the attack… that was a lie, right? Wasn’t it?” Marco asked. People had died back then, homes burned, King River got captured, Ludo Levitatoed a ton of people… Star had died. Well, yeah, she got better, but that wasn’t the point. 

He wasn’t sure he could respect a knight who simply let all that happen, no matter how badass. Marco might not know much about being a knight, but their duty was to defend the kingdom, that much he knew. Of course, it wouldn’t have surprised him to hear that everything coming out of Sir Stabby’s mouth had been a complete fabrication.

“That was the truth, Marco Diaz,” Lavabo spoke calmly. “I remained here from the moment we heard about the rats falling upon the town, to the very hour Princess Star saved us all.”

Marco’s heart sank. “Why?”

Lavabo sighed. “We have much work to do today, my young squire. But this is an important lesson as well. Perhaps, we should break for lunch.”

The knight walked out of the special treatment room, motioned Marco to a table, and retrieved a small picnic basket from underneath the seats. The boy followed him without much enthusiasm. He still wasn’t sure what to think about the eccentric old man, particularly in light of these news. How could he talk so much about honor and duty and then hide when the kingdom he presumably swore to help was being attacked? Surely he had duties beyond cleaning clothes!

“Ah, behold, Marco Diaz!” he proclaimed, as he retrieved half a dozen cooked ears of corn. “A treat fit for a champion, and… let me find it… ah, yes! One of the rewards of our profession: actual butter!” he exclaimed proudly, as he took up a knife and rapidly prepared two ears of corn to be consumed.

Marco eyed the buttered corn, feeling rather underwhelmed, but took his piece nonetheless. He realized only now that he was starving from all the morning’s work. Still, he was mostly waiting for an explanation.

“Look, Marco Diaz,” Labavo begun. “Besides those specific to the Wash, as a Knight of Mewni, your duty will be first to the people, then to the crown, then to the land, in that order. When I barricaded myself inside these walls, I let the land fall into enemy hands, and I failed my duty to the crown,” he admitted.

“Had I been alone, such act would have been unthinkable,” he noted, solemnly. “But I was not. When I heard the news about what happened outside the castle walls, about a huge monster headed this way, I gathered down here as many of the children from the castle as I could, as a precautionary measure. The Wash might not look it, but is easier to defend than the entire castle, and an unlikely place to draw much interest from invaders. When news reached us of the fall of King River before the army of rats, just as he managed to fend off the original threat, I had a hard decision to make.”

“Either protect the kids already here, or try to fend off an invasion that was already inside the castle…” concluded the squire.

Lavabo smiled bitterly. “Precisely. I do not think my involvement at that point could have swayed the battle. Had I done what Sir Stabby would have preferred, I might have just as easily failed, and would have left the children defenseless. I would have failed my first duty, you see?”

“... the duty to the people,” Marco nodded. His admiration for the old knight restored. “But, then, why not say something when that jerk insulted your honor? When he called you a coward!?”

“Sir Stabby is well aware of the facts. But his view differs from mine, he sees a value in the act of fighting itself that I do not always share,” the man conceded, way too generously in Marco’s opinion, given what he had just seen of the other knight. “I would not have changed his opinion, no matter what I said, nor do I see much gain in trying.”

He shrugged and dug into his cob of corn. Then, with a glint in his eye, he turned to face Marco, once again dead serious.

“As for the other matter. Despite popular belief, one’s honor is not something that can ever truly be impugned by others.” He paused. “Marco Diaz, fame and glory may well both be about how others see you, and thus others can take them away from you. But honor? Honor is all about how you, in your innermost most honest thoughts, see yourself.”

Marco nodded in understanding and hurried up to eat the rest of the corn. He had work to do.

\----

That afternoon, at five sharp, Lavabo walked out of the doorless room. What he saw, as he looked at the courtyard of the Wash, made the aging knight smile elatedly. He felt his heart race like that of a young man of fifty.

Over two hundred separate piles of neatly folded clean laundry, sorted each from largest to smallest item, were arranged in front of him. Every article was perfectly washed and, from the looks of it, properly softened and dried. It was everything he could have asked for, if not more.

"Almost every article in the kingdom, sorted by type, fabric, color, and size," proclaimed Marco Diaz, taking rightful pride in his work. "I took a look at the knights' pile and pre-sorted it, but I also remembered your instruction to wait for you. Hopefully we can still get those done, we have less than an hour before closing time!”

“Ah, yes, yes, plenty of time, with the two of us working together…” trailed off the knight. Then, glancing at some of the piles, he noted something surprising. Not, strictly speaking, wrong, but yet, perhaps unnecessary. “But, Marco Diaz, if I may ask, why are there five different piles of red cowled cotton jackets?”

“What?” the boy exclaimed surprised. He walked around a pile of green boots and glanced at where Lavabo was pointing at. “Oh, those? Well, they are all different colors, after all: crimson red, cherry red, rose red, scarlet, and others,” he counted with his fingers. “I didn't want the colors to bleed, so…”

Lavabo gave the five heaps of jackets a much closer look, and confirmed his squire's words. He dried away a single tear from his cheek. "Well done, Marco, very well done..."


	5. Living Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our young squire searches for a place to live in, parental advise is given, and an old feud is re-introduced.

Six o' clock, the Wash's perennial closing time - supposedly observed since the reign of Skywynne Butterfly, Queen of Hours - found Marco and Lavabo calmly eating a second serving of buttered corn. 

Their job had been finished with several minutes to spare. This was despite a particularly stubborn dust ghoul, a bloodthirsty vine curse, and the general and disturbing lack of care the Knights of Mewni seemed to display towards their own equipment.

Marco had learned, in the last hour, about twenty three different alchemical oils used to clean steel, cold iron, conjured orichalcum plate, magical fiberglass, pixie battlesilver, and the dark unnameable metal of the black forges of the Underworld. He had made a mental note to ask Tom later if he could, you know, name it. It was really annoying to talk about the stuff otherwise. 

He had also learned the fine details of polishing, inspecting, and de-cursing both armor and weapons.

He had learned, first hand, that a dust ghoul was a flesh eating undead creature that, once slain, turned to dust. Unfortunately, this did not mean that it disappeared without trace, but rather that its remains usually ended up coating the clothes and armor of the brave knight who managed to slay them. Given enough time, a dark environment, and proper living-dead style determination on their part, the ghoul simply ended up putting itself together, in a diminished form, from that residual concentration of material. 

Honestly, the hard part wasn't breaking up the creature again with a well timed karate chop, or even washing down the dust into the bright magical cleaning solution intended to take care of the problem in a more permanent way. The worst part, instead, was the nauseating sensation of breathing in pulverized zombie. Also, having to drink enchanted vinegar diluted in holy water just to guard against the unlikely but cumulative risk of ever getting enough ghoul into your lungs that the thing might try to form from within your chest. 

Ugh, the thought alone gave Marco the creeps.

The bloodthirsty vine curse had been harder to deal with, but Lavabo had made quick work of it. Apparently, the night fairies living in the depths of the Forest of Certain Death were rather opposed to knights trampling on or cutting their favorite flowers. Their idea of payback was to curse their clothes so that the thread itself turned into vicious thorn-covered creeper vines at dusk. The climbing plants then gorged themselves on mewman blood and eventually blossomed into a full rose garden of their own, beautiful and deadly. 

Geez, and Marco had thought pixies were bad enough! 

Fortunately, it turns out that bloodthirsty vines are much less dangerous if you are not wearing the armor at the time, creep rather slowly, and are, despite their mortal thorns, no match for the Knight of the Wash armed with a pair of rune-etched cold iron garden trimmers.

"Is cleaning the knights’ pile always like this?" Marco asked at some point.

"Not so, Marco Diaz," Lavabo assured him. "Some days we might encounter actual dangers brought in with the day's load."

Marco stared at the old knight, who simply smiled softly. He wasn't sure if that had been his idea of a joke, or if he was dead serious. He supposed he would find out. For now, he was pretty happy to have survived the first day down here. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

As he reached out for yet another ear of corn, Marco was beginning to dread that might be the only food known to Mewni. He remembered having had many other dishes back when he had stayed with Star in the castle, after the battle with Toffee: various meats and vegetables and fish, all besides the marked emphasis on corn. The table of the Butterfly family had always presented him a literal banquet. Then again, Marco realized, they were royalty. Chances were, whatever Star and her parents ate was different from what most of their subjects ate, and the way Star lived was different to the way the non-royals lived. 

Speaking of which, he remembered, he hadn't figured out yet where he himself was going to live.

"Hey, Lavabo, I mean... Sir Lavabo," Marco stammered. "If there is nothing else left to do tonight, I think I should go find Star now, or Queen Moon, and ask them where I should be staying."

He was exhausted, despite it only being 6:00 PM. The day had felt like it had lasted forever, and his entire body was sore from all the work, but he still had to figure this out. He didn’t want to spend yet another night on the lint catcher’s hard floor, and resorting to sleeping on a pile of strangers’ clothes didn’t sound much better.

"Very well, Marco Diaz. You have performed admirably today, and I am happy to grant you leave," the knight spoke solemnly. "By the way, should you not manage to procure any other options, you are always welcome to my own home. It is a bit far from the castle, and I will not say it hasn't seen better times, but it is an honest dwelling, for honest men. It has belonged to the Knight of the Wash for over twelve generations," he explained, in a tone of reverent satisfaction.

"Ah, eh, thank you..." Marco replied, honestly grateful at the knight’s gesture. For a moment he considered taking the offer, but a house far from the castle was the last thing he wanted. He wanted to stay in the castle, because... well... because he wanted to stay close to Star. After all, that was the reason he had come to Mewni, right? To hang out with Star. 

Well, that and to be a great and famous knight, with the blue 'knight cape' King River had supposedly given him. But still, a big part of it was about hanging with his best friend again. "But I think I should try asking Star first, sorry. No offense."

"Your words do not offend me, Marco Diaz," Lavabo replied, giving him a reassuring smile. "You have your reasons, and I cannot imagine them to be anything other than honorable ones. Nevertheless, should you change your mind, please know that I have a few personal matters to attend to in the castle, and will be back here at eight to pick up my belongings and set on my journey home. The offer to join me remains open. Otherwise, I expect to see you down here tomorrow, six AM sharp, to continue your training."

Marco nodded. "Of course, Sir!"

After cleaning his hands with a cloth napkin, Marco pushed himself up from the wooden table in the middle of the Wash, grabbed his bag, and dug into his pants pockets for his pair of dimensional scissors. His name gleamed back at him from the metal. He briefly realized he still didn’t know what that metal actually was, even after today’s lessons. Well, that was a question for another time.

Thinking about the hallway in front of Star's room, he cut a portal in mid air, and disappeared through it.

Lavabo said nothing as Marco departed. The boy never saw the calm but admiring look with which the old knight regarded the scissors.

\----

Marco cautiously peeked his head out of the portal and made sure the coast was clear. He imagined that after yesterday’s incident, security on the higher levels of the castle would be stricter than usual. 

Once he had confirmed that the hallway was empty, the squire left the portal entirely and allowed it to dissipate into thin air.

Star’s bedroom door stood in front of him. This felt so strange. The place used to be as welcoming to him as his own room, but now he couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door. Marco stared at it, his guts slowly shuffling with anxiety.

Washing all those clothes took a lot out of Marco, but after the fourth hour or so, he got the hang of it and the labor became quite methodical. While his body went through the motions of gathering and washing and drying, his brain had passed the time by thinking of how he was going to apologize to Star. He must have played out over a hundred different scenarios in his head, but almost all of them ended with her taking it the wrong way and slamming the door in his face.

If he brought up the lint monster, it might seem like he was trying to make Star feel guilty for not being there for him yesterday. I mean, yeah, it would have been nice if she fought alongside him, but Marco needed to pass the trial on his own, and with the dimensional scissors, it was debatable if Star left him in any real danger to begin with. 

If Marco mentioned his eventual victory over the beast, he could come off as a boaster again. That wasn’t good either. Even if he was the first squire to defeat the lint monster in years (he still couldn’t believe it!), he didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes he made with his friends on Earth. He’d take after Lavabo from now on: be a badass, but pretend it wasn’t a big deal. 

He would also be careful not to mention needing a room right away. Then it’d just seem like he was only apologizing to her for his own benefit. He’d have to sneak in the topic mid-conversation somehow.

Maybe it’d be better if he started it with something about her? Like asking how her day was. 

Yeah, that could work…

Marco shook his head. Wait, this was stupid. Why was Marco overthinking something as simple as talking to his best friend? He just needed to man up and admit he made a mistake. She’d understand. Star made dumb mistakes all the time when she was on Earth, and Marco never held a grudge against her. Just say hello to Star, and let the rest of the words flow naturally.

...But just to be safe, Marco gave himself a more confident posture. He licked the tip of his fingers to slick his hair back. A quick whiff of his under-arms confirmed that he really should’ve taken a shower before doing this. Ever since Summer started, he’d been consistently skipping his hygiene routine for some reason. 

Wanting to be more presentable towards the princess, Marco hunched over and opened his bag to find his deodorant and a breath mint, but the search was interrupted by his phone ringing. He jolted.

Ugh, Marco really needed to change his ring tone. It was 2015 already. Space Unicorn just wasn’t hip anymore. Not that he thought it was hip back in 2014. He had it ironically. But now it wasn’t even ironically hip. It wasn’t like he enjoyed the song or anything...

Marco glanced down at the caller ID. It read 'HOME.’

*Click*

“Hello?” 

“Hi honey! How've you been?” 

“Oh, uh, hey Mom. Sorry I didn't call you guys last night. Things were kinda hectic when I arrived so I didn't have the time.”

“It’s okay Marco. We know what’s it’s like to be independent for the first time. I’m surprised you even picked up at all.”

Ouch. “Geez, give me some credit.”

Marco heard his mom chuckling. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll be fine as long as you’re having a good time over there. So, how are you enjoying _France_? Is being a knight everything you hoped for and more?”

Marco hesitated a little. “Um... yup, sure is! It’s been nothing but jousting and crusades all day, every day. I’m practically up to my neck in chivalry. There was this dragon that had found its way into the Washroom and I took it out no problem.”

There was a small uncertain pause before his mother responded. “Good, good. Anyway, your father has been dying to talk to you, so I’ll hand the phone over to-”

“Marco! Are you okay? Has anyone hurt you?” his dad said, panting.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine.” Wow, Marco’s father seemed really worried. It was sort of justified paranoia, considering Mewni was far from the safest place in the multiverse, but still…

“Is there any way I can talk to Queen Moon? I’d like to go over several precautions with her in case you lose a limb or something. Is she available?”

Marco looked around. “Right now’s not a good time, Dad. Queen Moon’s in the middle of signing a peace treaty with some minotaurs. _Really_ delicate stuff. I don’t want to interrupt them and risk causing a war, you know?”

“Well, what about King River? Is he nearby.”

His dad was way too persistent. “Nope. He’s on vacation. Left the kingdom last night to go golfing with his barbarian buddies.”

“King River _golfs_?”

“It’s a matriarchal society, Dad. What else would their king be doing?”

“I thought he didn’t know how to play. Didn’t we have to pay for the damages he caused to that putt putt place because he didn’t understand the rules? I know mini-golf is different but-”

Marco banged on Star’s door several times, making sure his dad could hear the noise on the other end. “Oh no! That... wooden horse-shaped peace offering apparently had a Minotaur army inside of it. Who would have guessed? They’re now wreaking havoc around the castle. I’ll call you later, Dad. Duty calls.”

“Marco, wait-”

*Click*

Marco sighed in relief. That was a close one. 

He hated the idea of lying to his parents, but letting them talk to Moon or River would do more harm than good. If they found out Marco invited himself to Mewni, and that those Foreign Exchange Student papers were phony, well, Marco didn’t want to risk being forced to return home.

Once he got promoted to a respected knight, he’d let them in on it, and they’d all share a good laugh. It wasn’t that big of a deal anyway. His parents probably appreciated the alone time, and Mewni got an awesome squire. A win-win all around!

Marco put the phone away and his attention returned to Star’s bedroom door. He had knocked on it pretty hard. If Star was in there, she definitely would’ve heard it. She must've been somewhere else in the castle. 

Just to check, he tried knocking again. Nothing. He tried opening the door. Locked. He put an ear to the wood. Quietness. Ok, that last one settled it, Star was definitely not in there. Even a sleeping Star made more noise snoring than the Awesome Opossums’ entire marching band made, well, marching.

The boy’s hands absentmindedly played with a particular pair of scissors inside his right pocket, but he stopped himself. 

No, he had set out to do this the right way. Besides, it was unlikely that she was actually in there. He was better off just looking for her elsewhere.

Marco was about to go searching for Star, but then the door’s knob began jiggling.

“Star?”

The shaking of the door continued, becoming more violent with each second. Marco looked at the knob and realized _something_ was trying to fit through the keyhole. A pair of tiny blue arms appeared and pressed themselves against the metal. Whatever the arms were trying to pull out, they eventually succeeded.

“Globgor!”

“Glossaryck!” Marco exclaimed, surprised by the magic man's sudden appearance. Wait, didn’t he disappear after Ludo, or was it Toffee… Ludofee destroyed the book of spells?

“Globgor!” repeated the small blue figure as it pushed against the frame of the doorknob, freeing all but his left foot.

"Look, man, I don't know what weird game you’re playing this time around, but I really don't have the time. I just need to find Star," pleaded Marco. "I promise I'll get you some pudding after I find her, alright?"

Glossaryck finally managed to extract all of himself from the keyhole. He fell to the floor on all fours and regarded the boy with an inquisitive look. "Glob...?" He tilted his head, scratched his left ear with his left foot, and then... "... Gor!"

The minuscule old man took off running through the hallway at full speed. Only then, Marco remembered Star's letter: 'Did you know Glossaryck came back to life?', followed by 'and now he’s some weird man-baby'. Right. Great, just great!

Marco ran after him. Something told him that was the right thing to do. The guy shouldn't be on his own outside of Star's room. "Wait, Glossaryck! Slow down! Damn it!"

The blasted book elf, or whatever, was fast, really fast. Marco chased him around a corner, and into an even longer hallway. At the other end was what seemed to be the entrance to a spiral staircase. If Glossaryck made it to the stairs, Marco was certain he would soon lose sight of him. 

It didn't help that the human boy was exhausted from his first day at the wash. But even if he weren't, he wasn't sure he could catch up to Glossaryck. The blasted blue man could probably run laps around the boy without even trying. It reminded him of someone else that was near-impossible to catch. 

Wait, that was it!

Marco took out the scissors from his right pocket, concentrated on the top of the stairwell, and cut a hole right in front of his own moving body. As he made it through the portal, he found himself at the end of the hallway facing the exact opposite direction from before. Glossaryck was running directly towards him, with far too much momentum to stop. All Marco had to do now was grab him in time. "Now, I call that move The Hek..."

The diamond encrusted imp just turned to the left and jumped out of a window.

"... kapoo," Marco finished, striking his own diamond-free forehead with an open palm.

He ran to the window. It overlooked a beautiful courtyard, full of rose bushes. From right under where the boy was standing, Glossaryck fixed him an expectant look. Marco sighed and cut another portal with the scissors.

Swish!

He was down in the garden, looking at a long marble fountain with some statue of an angel spitting crystal clear water towards the sky. Glossaryck was now, somehow, on the roof of a gazebo.

Swish!

Marco was atop the gazebo. Glossaryck was sitting on the marble statue.

Swish!

Splash! Marco was inside the fountain. Glossaryck was atop the arches of one of the enclosing walls. And to make things even worse, Marco now had wet socks. Damn it! That was just the worst sensation ever.

Swish!

Marco was slowly walking atop the narrow wall, trying his best to keep the balance while wearing slippery wet shoes, as Glossaryck ran towards the wall, and towards yet another open window. The window was about three meters up from were the wall ended, but this didn't seem to matter to the spell book critter. He simply climbed up the wall as if he were still running on flat ground, and flung himself through the window.

To Marco's annoyance, he couldn't portal to a place he didn't know or couldn't see. Instead, he begun the process of climbing up the castle wall. If any guards saw him now, after what happened the last time he climbed through one of the castle's windows, he would have a really hard time explaining himself.

When he finally made it to the ledge of the window and was able to peek inside, he found no sign of Glossaryck. Instead, he saw a familiar blond man, short but muscular, with a beard half his own full length. King River was clad in a blue vest and wore a golden crown. He also wore an embossed silk velvet cape, dyed in tyrian purple, or maybe one of Mewni's four magical varieties, the squire noted.

Actually, this was good. River knew him. They both went way back. Marco had taught the king to stand up for himself and for his people. They shared a cell together for a week. They had been through a lot, and if there was someone around, other than Star and Moon, with the authority to give Marco a place to stay in the castle, it was the King of Mewni.

He was about to climb up of the window to say hi to him, when he heard a voice. It was an older female voice that did sound familiar as well, but that he wasn't quite able to place. Definitely not Moon. Moon would never speak to anyone with such venom, much less to her beloved husband. "River _Johansen_! Just the lout I was hoping to run into..."

"Ah, Etheria, dear, I only wish I could say the same," groaned River, badly concealing his chagrin. "And to what do I owe the... ahem... pleasure?"

“To what do you think? Once again, I am forced to call your attention, feeble as it might be, towards the actions of that feral hoyden you call a daughter!”

Wait, was that woman talking about Star? Marco realized then where he knew her from: she had been at that Butterfly/Johansen picnic fiasco. The woman was Star’s grand aunt or something, on the Butterfly side. That explained why she didn’t seem to like River. Still, that didn’t explain what her beef was with Star herself. River, apparently, seemed to have been thinking along the same lines.

“Now, Etheria, I know we have our differences, but you are not dragging my daughter into this,” he remarked with some harshness. “I won’t allow it! And neither would Moon-Pie!”

“Well, it simply must be said! My niece has always let her feelings get in the way of her better judgement.” She eyed River up and down. “...Case in point.” 

She paused, and the two members of the royal family exchanged annoyed stares. Marco could almost see the years of animosity between them crackle in the space between their eyes.

“I myself have made some concessions as to the child’s wild streak. Oh, believe me, I have. I almost managed to convince myself she had turned out alright enough, all things considered, given the paternal influence…” the elder woman added with disdain.

“Is this headed anywhere near any sort of point?” River asked impatiently. “I assure you I have more important things to do than listen to one more speech about your opinion of myself or my family. You made your feelings clear enough at our wedding, as I recall.”

Marco, still hanging on the outside of the window, couldn’t help but second River’s wish for Etheria to leave.

“The point? The point is that your daughter is now harboring a dangerous fugitive, and preventing justice from being carried out on the most heinous villain in our history!” exclaimed Etheria.

Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to be the conclusion of her rant, so much as its second wind.

“Look, I have tried being reasonable,” she protested. ”I was willing to look the other way regarding those distasteful monster brawls she took up as a hobby. I am not even mentioning the incident of her fourteenth birthday. And, while I wish you two had sent her then to a proper educational institution, like Saint Olga’s, I have come to accept Moon’s decision to send her to that backwater dimension instead, but... this!? This is unacceptable! Defending Eclipsa, of all people! Surely she must have gotten that idea from your side of the family!”

“Ah, Etheria, hold on just one second there. With all due respect,” interrupted River as she finally paused for air. His tone made it perfectly clear that, as far as he was concerned, the amount of respect the older woman was due was zero or pretty damn close to that, “and no offense to Moon-Pie, of course… But, well, I believe, after all, Eclipsa is _your_ side of the family.”

Etheria went livid, eyes wide. “You… how dare you imply…” she grasped for a coherent argument. “You haven’t heard the last of me, River Johansen!”

“Would that I be so lucky…” muttered River as the noblewoman left in a huff, walking back the same way she came.

Once Etheria was out of sight, Marco lifted himself over the ledge and jumped onto the castle floor. “Hey River.”

The King’s eyes went wide, followed by a grin. “Marco! Star told me you were working in the Wash now. What brings you to this part of the castle? And why didn’t you use the stairs?”

“Um… it’s sort of a long story,” Marco said awkwardly. “Anyway, I accidentally overheard that conversation between you and Etheria. At first I didn’t want to interrupt you guys but, yeah, I shouldn’t have stuck around for that. I’m sorry.”

Marco truly did feel ashamed for listening in on such a delicate conversation, but River didn’t show the slightest bit of resentment towards the boy. 

He shrugged. “There’s no need for an apology. If anything, _I_ should feel sorry for _you_. You were hanging from the outside window, clinging for dear life, and the entire time you had to hear that hag’s dreadful voice! Why, if I was in your situation, I may have chosen to let go and fall to my death rather than listen to another word from her!”

“Sheesh River. She’s your family.”

“She isn’t family, Marco. She’s an in-law! _Huge_ difference. And I’m sure with her the feeling is mutual! Moon-Pie’s family never cared for the Johansen name, and they make no attempt to hide that from me!” The king began grinding his teeth.

Marco was then reminded of something. “Didn’t the Johansens and Butterflies settle their differences during that game of Flags?” 

River sighed. “In a way, yes. But once all the emotions settled, things went back to the way they always were. I gave up on trying to please them a long time ago. The best thing we can do is learn to deal with each other and coexist, for Star’s sake.”

Marco didn’t necessarily agree, but it wasn’t really his place to speak his mind. The matter had nothing to do with him. 

River looked at the ground. “They can judge her all they want, but as her father, I couldn’t be more proud.”

Marco smiled. “Yeah, she really is amazing. I mean, just remembering the day she destroyed Toffee still gives me goosebumps.” It truly was the most epic thing Marco had ever witnessed.

“Ah, er, yes. I suppose that was indeed something, but I was mostly referring to what she has accomplished _after_ she blasted that lizard to next Tuesday.”

“After?”

“Fighting has never been an issue with Star. With her in combat, it is not a matter of _if_ , but _when_. She has the heart of a warrior, passionate with a love for adventure, but that by itself was a problem. She always preferred being on the battlefield or, corn, _anywhere_ that wasn’t inside the castle.”

Yeah, Star did have a tendency to ignore her future role as Queen. It was a heavy source of anxiety for her. She had confided that fact to Marco many times.

River continued. “Moon-Pie and I were worried she wouldn’t have what it takes to run a kingdom. It is not a glamorous job, and we knew not every problem she’d face could be solved by simply punching it. So imagine our surprise, when she told us that she wasn’t going to return to Earth for another school year!”

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me. I was pretty shocked when she told me as well.” But it wasn’t like Marco could blame Star for wanting to stay on Mewni. Her entire kingdom was a complete mess after Toffee’s defeat. She made the responsible decision and Marco fully supported her on that.

“Exactly. It’s like she’s a new person. She’s even spending more time with her mother now. Right now they are visiting the Pigeon Kingdom, asking for funds and supplies.”

“The… Pigeon Kingdom?” Marco asked dumbly. Oh, right, it must be another nation within Mewni, maybe named after the last name of the ruling family, like the _Butterfly_ Kingdom. For a second there he thought it was a kingdom of actual pigeons. How silly of him!

“Oh yes, Prince Rich Pigeon and Star have been well acquainted with each other for at least five Silver Bell Balls,” River continued. “She probably has a better in with him than Moon-Pie and I do with his parents. Dance transcends the language barrier, after all…”

Marco had no idea what River was on about. But, then again, that was often the case.

“So, she and Moon are asking them for money?” Marco surmised.

“Yes, exactly!” River frowned. “Well, not, you know, _exactly_. Properly speaking, they are trying to secure a five year treaty involving both direct reconstruction aid, as well as a loan backed by variable interest rate royal bonds of the Butterfly Kingdom. So, basically, yes, they are begging for money.”

Marco had never credited the Mewni financial system with being quite so complex.

“But anyhow, the important point is that I couldn’t be any more proud of Star these days. She has grown into a fine responsible young woman, while still being braver than any other Johansen I’ve ever met,” River beamed. “And I believe I have you, partly, to thank for it!”

The king patted Marco in the back with enough force to almost knock him down to the ground.

“Me?” Marco asked, confused by the sudden change in topic.

“Oh yes, boy, I think her time in your dimension served Star well,” the stout man continued. “It was both a learning experience, and a chance for her to unwind for a year or so, to get away from her responsibilities so she might be better prepared to handle them when she returned. A place like Saint Olga’s would have crippled her, but your _Earth_ allowed her to grow. And, you, specifically, a responsible yet wilful young lad, were an excellent example for my daughter. For that, Marco, I am forever grateful!”

Wow. Marco didn’t know what to say. He never knew King River felt that way about him, and his friendship with Star. It was sort of scary to think about what sort of responsibility being best friend to the future queen meant, when you put it that way. Wait a minute…

“If you are so grateful, though, then why did you give me the darn meat blanket?” he retorted, accusingly. “Your ‘gift’ made a fool of me. I really thought it meant something…”

“Oh, uh, sorry Marco,” the king apologized, taken aback. Then, with a broad grin, he explained, “You see, it _did_ mean something, just perhaps not what you thought. I truly did appreciate your efforts during that crisis. I must admit, at first I couldn’t for the life of me think of an appropriate gift for something like that. But, of course, that’s when I had a brilliant idea: I could just lie!” 

River clicked his fingers triumphantly, as if to demonstrate the moment of inspiration for such a momentous stroke of genius. Marco, dumbfounded by the brazenes of that confession, just stood there silent. The older man took that as an invitation to elaborate further.

“I could repurpose my old meat blanket into an invitation for knighthood! You get to feel good about yourself, while I finally have an excuse to buy a new blanket. A win-win all around, wouldn’t you say?” Then, as an afterthought, he added, “and, of course, since we would likely never see you again, you’d get to keep that proud feeling for life!”

“So it didn’t cross your mind once that I would take you up on the offer?” Marco asked. A second later, however, his brain caught up to the last thing the king had said, “... _Wait_! You guys thought you were never going to see me again!?” Marco felt more offended by that than anything else so far, truth be told.

“Well, of course, Marco,” the king shrugged. “You were going back to Earth. Star was staying to help run the kingdom. It seemed like a fitting end to all that.”

“What!? Look, River, Star is my best friend. Of course we weren’t going to just never… never talk to each other again!” he stammered. “I have her ph… her compact mirror number! And I have dimensional scissors! I can be here from Earth in like one second, you know?” 

“Well,” River seemed to ponder this. “If it was that easy, Marco, why didn’t you visit before now?”

That stopped Marco cold. Why hadn’t he? Why hadn’t he even called or texted Star before. They hadn’t spoke at all in between him going back to Earth, and yesterday morning.

“Marco…” River spoke softly, at least by his standards. “You and Star lead very different lives, and she has matters weighing down on her that very few people are prepared to handle. Moon-Pie and I were also from different worlds. I was a Johansen, she is, and will always be, a Butterfly. I chose to live in her world. Take it from me, it is not an easy path to walk. You may have dimensional scissors, but at the end of the day, you can only be in one place at a time. You’ll have to make sacrifices for the sake of being where you truly want to be.”

The image of Jackie at the pier popped up in Marco’s head, but he tried to dismiss it.

“I… I want to live in Star’s world,” Marco said, before realizing what he was implying. “I mean, she is my best friend. I want to live in Mewni, and be close to Star, for now, at least.”

“Very well, Marco,” River smiled. “If knighthood is what you desire, then it shall be so. You’re still a far ways off, but I have the utmost faith in you!”

“Wait,” Marco said, suddenly remembering the entire reason he was here. Not here in Mewni, but here in this hallway. Not Glossaryck, either. The original reason. “I sort of need a place to stay, River. Is there any way I can get a room in the castle?”

“Oh, absolutely!” the king beamed. Then he seemed to think a bit more and scratched his head a little. “Ah… well, you see, after that monster stomped all over the kingdom, many of the peasants lost their homes. Star asked us to house them in the castle while the reconstruction got started, so I am afraid all rooms are full to the brim!”

Oh, wow, Star had done that? Marco couldn’t help but feel proud of her once more.

“But no worries,” River continued. “Why, for a friend of the family, I am sure we can kick out a few more beggars into the streets! Is not like that would make a difference these days.”

Holy crap. “River! That’s... so cruel!”

“Please, Marco, our famously deadly Winter storms are still _months_ away,” the older man pointed out. “They will be fine.”

“What? No!” Marco retorted horrified. “Look, forget I asked. I’ll find another place.”

“Nonsense, I insist,” River pushed. “Come to think of it... You will take a room in the palace, squire Diaz. That’s an order from your king!”

Marco blinked. Was he _serious_? Oh crap, he was!

The boy took a deep breath, and fished inside his backpack pocket for something. Once he pulled it out, he looked at River straight in the eyes.

“Your majesty, I am honored,” he began formally. “But a squire’s duty is first to the people and then to his king. To do as you ask would violate my duty to the people of Mewni. I believe… this is yours.”

Marco handed King River a blue piece of cloth. Not a cape, but a meat blanket.

“I see…” River took it, carefully. He paused for a second, then smiled and gave Marco a painful pat on the back. ”Very well, I’ll accept that argument, squire. In that case, you’re dismissed.”

Feeling vaguely uncomfortable, Marco quickly left the hallway before the king changed his mind again.

\----

Marco returned to the Wash. He took the long way there - that is, he walked instead of using the scissors - since there was a chance he’d run into Glossaryck again. 

He didn't see the diminutive old man, of course, but considering Marco’s luck as of late, that didn't come as a surprise. He just hoped, wherever he was, that he was okay. 

The squire looked around and noticed the entire facility was now devoid of clothing. Between him beginning his search for Star and his trek back, all eighty three thousand six hundred and forty two pieces had left, presumably to be delivered.

There was, also, no sign of Lavabo. Perhaps he had already left? No, it wasn’t eight yet. Lavabo was nothing if not punctual, after all. Marco had gotten to know the old knight well enough to count on that, at least. He sat in one of the Wash’s wooden chairs to wait for him.

It had been less than two hours since he last saw his mentor, yet a lot had happened to Marco in those two hours. Hell, he had been in Mewni for less than forty-eight hours, yet it felt like weeks. It was like Hekapoo’s dimension all over again: time just seemed to dilate here. Just, you know, metaphorically, rather than painfully literally.

He wondered if it was the same for Star. If every day for her in Mewni since he left had been as overwhelming as his first two since coming back. Apparently, a lot had changed in her life: dating Tom, embracing her role as princess, working close with her mom to help rebuild their kingdom. There was the whole thing with Glossaryck being alive, and also a baby, or a pet, or something. 

Besides, hadn’t River said something about a person named Eclipsa? Apparently Eclipsa was a relative of Star’s, but also a fugitive that she was protecting? Marco recalled seeing that name in the book of spells once, but there was no way it was referring to the same person. Then again, exactly how common was the name Eclipsa? 

Marco lost that train of thought. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, his brain had been working on the realization that he knew very little about Star now. He didn’t know what her life was like, he didn’t know about her problems, about her goals, her dreams. Oh god, he was a terrible friend!

He also realized that, even if he stayed in Mewni, he wouldn’t necessarily be able to hang out with Star. She had a different life now, one that didn’t have a place for him in it anymore. And he was about to move in with Lavabo, and get sucked into the craziness that was this whole Order of the Wash business. 

Was that what he wanted? Really? To become a knight of Mewni just because River had once played a practical joke on him that made him believe he was one already?

The thing is, if he wanted adventure, and he wanted respect, and a place to belong, with or without Star, well… He stared at the side of the dimensional scissors, at the name etched into the blades. There was already a place like that, wasn’t there? He could go back to Hekapoo’s dimension. He was a hero there, someone greater and mightier than any one knight of Mewni. There he had all the adventure he could handle, and often quite a bit more. If being Star’s best friend was no longer an option, then, why not…

Marco’s thoughts were interrupted by a cold nose against his leg. When he turned down, he saw, to his surprise, not a dog as he originally envisioned, but a familiar blue form. 

“Glossaryck!” Marco called in surprise.

“Glooobgor,” he stated lazily, and jumped right into Marco’s lap. The old man then chased his own behind twice atop the boy’s legs, and proceeded to fall asleep right on Marco’s knees.

Marco sighed. Well, if nothing else, he should return Glossaryck to Star.

A moment later, he was stepping out of a portal into her room. It was funny, but knowing for sure she wouldn’t be there actually made it easier. She was, after all, visiting that Rich Pidgeon guy with her mom.

Marco placed Glossaryck gently on the bed. The magic man remained asleep.

Well, that was it. All done here. Off to find Nachos or whatever. Perhaps he should find Lavabo and say his goodbyes first?

Then again…

Marco opened his backpack, and pulled out a single sheet of paper, and a pen.

> Hey Star.
> 
> Hopefully you aren’t peeved out by the fact that this letter being here means I was alone in your room. I only came to see if you wanted to hang out, but then Glossaryck squeezed his way out of the locked door and I spent the better part of an hour trying to catch him. 
> 
> I brought him back here, and decided it was a good chance to reply to your letter. The little guy’s fast asleep, so he should be fine. You may want to find a better way of keeping him in one place, since he might try the same stunt again next time you’re gone.
> 
> Just noticed a bag of diapers and that case of Corn Chips next to your bed. Guess you’re the one in charge of taking care of him? Man, you have so much on your plate right now. In addition to everything else you do, you also need to care for your own magic mentor. No wonder you were mad at me yesterday. You probably don’t get that many chances to be with Tom, and I just came out of nowhere to ruin the day for both of you.
> 
> I’m really sorry about that. There’s actually a lot I need to apologize for. To everyone. I was unbearable these last few weeks. I just kept bragging about what a cool knight I was, even though I most definitely was not a knight, and everything I did during Ludo’s invasion amounted to nothing. I guess when you have nothing going for you, you cling on to whatever small accomplishments come to mind. I was given a participation trophy in the form of a meat blanket, and boy did I make sure everyone knew I participated!
> 
> You know what’s funny? Even though I went through Hekapoo’s scissors quest, full of adventure and danger, the hardest part didn’t come til the morning after I returned to Earth, when I had to wake up early to take the laser puppies out. Now THAT was a challenge. I guess that says something about me. Going on adventures where you mainly interact with psychopathic clones and non sentient monsters was a lot easier than, you know, doing chores, or being a good boyfriend, or a good friend in general.
> 
> Deep down, I guess I only came here because I thought it would be easy. I had messed up every relationship I had on Earth, so the next logical step was to start over somewhere else. Everyone here would love me by default because I was a knight, so I wouldn’t have to put in any effort. Everything would be handed to me and it’d be nothing but fun adventures all day with you.
> 
> And I was horribly wrong. Turns out barely anyone remembers or has any reason to respect me, the workload in the Wash is intense and repetitive, and it looks like we aren’t going to see each other as often as I hoped. But, that’s okay.
> 
> Star, I’m really proud of you. It must have been really difficult for you to decide to not go back to Earth. Actually, I know it was difficult. You loved everything about Earth since the day you started living there, and no one would have blamed you for wanting another stress-free year after the hell you went through during that battle. 
> 
> But instead, you looked at the shape of your kingdom and decided to stay and help. You gave a shelter to your homeless citizens, you’re getting into politics with other kingdoms, and you even moved past your grudge against Tom and worked things out with him. Your dad said I may have had something to do with you changing over the last year, but you were the one who put in the effort.
> 
> I need to change as well. I can’t keep running away from every problem life throws at me. I kept ignoring the problems between me and Jackie until it was too late to fix them. I could use my scissors and go on adventures for the rest of my life, but that won’t make me a better person. 
> 
> That’s why I want to stay here and learn from Lavabo. I want to learn the ins and outs of the Wash and master it, and honestly, it’s probably the place in the multiverse where I’m needed the most. You were right, Lavabo is a really cool guy, and is the best thing for me right now, and I can’t thank you enough for getting me this job!
> 
> Best Wishes - Marco Diaz, Squire of the Wash and Future Knight of the Butterfly Kingdom

After reading it over a few times, Marco began to realize that this letter came off as really cheesy. Oh well, it’s not like he didn’t mean every word of it, and he sort of needed to get all that off his chest. He felt better already.

Marco put the letter on Star’s desk and glanced at Glossaryck one more time to confirm he was indeed asleep. He opened a portal into the Wash and walked through it.

Upon reaching the other end, he saw Lavabo looking over a particularly large backpack. That must’ve been where he carried his supplies. The knight had a pencil and notepad in his hands, checking off various boxes.

“Ah, Marco Diaz, did you forget something?” the old man said, not even turning around. The sound of the portal was enough to tell him who was there.

“Um, so, you still have a room available for me?”

Lavabo turned to face the squire and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the first arc, so to speak. Since Marco is spending an entire year in Mewni, there will be time skips between each arc. Some big, some small, so keep that in mind.
> 
> Next arc will be the Squire Blowout Sale. Get hype! - Grade


	6. A Trial Awaits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Marco's morning routine quite nearly ends in tragedy, familial ties are given some consideration, and our hero first accepts an _acquisitive quest_.

Sun rays filtered through the gaps between the boards that formed the eastern annex's walls, the dawn's brightness forcing its way through stubbornly closed eyelids. Marco groaned and tossed around, very much aware that he wasn't sound asleep anymore.

Fantastic. The one day he was allowed to sleep in until late, and now even that had been taken away from him by shoddy mewman construction. He didn't even want to think about how cold this room would get during the winter. He'd be lucky if he didn't freeze to death!

He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and let out a long yawn. As his mind began to emerge from the depths of drowsiness, the young squire felt a small tinge of shame at his previous thoughts. 

Man, there were thousands of people out on the actual streets after that huge monster stomped all over town, and Ludo and Toffee's subsequent invasion, and here he was: having a two floor building all to himself, and complaining about the walls not being quite as sturdy as he would have wished. Lavabo would be so disappointed if he could hear him speak, er, think like that. Wouldn't he?

Well, is not like Marco wasn't doing his part, working in the wash, helping people have clean flea-free clothes every week. And there was no use in denying that life in Mewni was hard for him, used as he was to all the comforts back on Earth. It was only natural that he grumbled a little bit.

He had, by the way, asked Lavabo why they weren't hosting anyone else in the old but fairly large estate. Marco had explained what Star had done, and after the knight had remarked on how wise of a ruler the princess was shaping up to be, the boy had suggested they actually follow her example and do the same with the empty old manor or its annex.

“Ah, Marco Diaz, a noble impulse, but alas, I am afraid none would take that offer. Nor should they! Any of them would be safer within the city and its surrounding magical barrier, than they would be out here, even inside the manor proper,” and that had been the end of that discussion.

Honestly, Marco didn't know what the old man was afraid of. Nothing dangerous had happened to him in here so far. Sure, the nearby woods looked rather uninviting, but the estate grounds themselves seemed safe enough, as long as you watched your step for old hunting traps.

On top of the plain wooden bedside table to his right, was the lunch he had left for himself last night. It consisted of two pieces of a pale yellowish mewnian flatbread, a jar of jam, a small container filled with butter, a glass of milk, and, of course, an ear of corn.

The bread was a new dish for the squire, one of the few things he had managed to find at Lavabo's place that wasn't yet another ear of corn or a condiment intended for corn. As exciting as Mewni might otherwise be, Marco was definitely missing some variety in his meals, so he was glad to have found something to eat that wasn’t the omnipresent yellow cob.

He did what he usually did with new foods, and methodically began his meal by trying the bread itself first, without any add ons.

Crap! Of course...

He should have seen it coming. Shouldn't he? It was salty bread made out of corn flour! Like some sort of fattened up corn tortilla. Man, what he wouldn't give for some Captain Blanche's Sugar Seeds instead... he was getting so tired of corn!

Marco had to admit, however, that the jam was not bad at all. It was clearly made out of either a combination of fruits, or some fruit that wasn't available back on Earth, at least none that the boy knew of. It was red and tasted a bit like cherry and a bit like fig, but not nearly as sweet, and it had a slight spicy tang to it. It shouldn't have worked, particularly not with the strange bread, but it did. It wasn't really sweet enough for a jam, as Marco understood the concept, and it definitely wasn't a hot sauce, but rather something in between. Suddenly, some of Star's bizarre food preferences began making sense to him. It almost made up for the disappointing corn bread.

Once he finished eating, Marco jumped out of his bed and walked to a battered old wooden dresser. It looked like it might once have been a fine piece of furniture: the edges showed splinter-ridden protrusions that perhaps used to be ornaments, and it still had half a cracked mirror on one of its two doors. It was the kind of thing that would have been called an ‘ _antique_ ' back on Earth, if it were in better condition. As it was now, however, Marco was pretty sure that the proper Earth term for it was just ' _garbage_ '.

He opened the ancient thing, retrieving both a fresh change of clothes he had prepared the day before, as well as a bar of soap, a neatly folded towel, and a wooden bucket from the bottom shelf. A good squire was an organized squire, after all.

He climbed down the stairs of the annex, carrying all of the above, plus his knife and plate, as well as the keychain that normally hung on the inside of the building’s door. 

The annex was a sort of improvised eastern wing of the manor, built atop a now empty granary. With food shortages in the kingdom being what they were, knights hoarding grain (corn, presumably) would have been a dishonorable act in and of itself. Plus, Marco was sure Lavabo's land hadn't been worked on in decades. As he made his way towards the stream, the overgrown weeds under his feet reinforced that conviction.

The annex stood directly to the side of the main building. Unlike the former, the later was not made out of mostly wood, but rather built up entirely of large stone bricks. It had no windows on the first floor, and a total of three small gates guarded by sturdy reinforced doors. A lookout tower, flying the flag of the Butterfly Kingdom above the banner of the Order of the Wash, stood slightly taller than the rest of the two-floor construction, facing north.

To call Lavabo's place a castle would have been greatly overselling it. But it was definitely intended to be some kind of fortification back in the day. Marco guessed that made sense, it was right on the eastern outskirts of the Butterfly Kingdom, practically at the doorstep of the Forest of Certain Death.

It was apparently also only a few miles away from what was technically the Johansen Kingdom. While both kingdoms enjoyed peaceful and ostensibly cordial relations now, on account of their families being united by Moon and River's marriage, Marco could easily imagine that not always being the case. Hell, after overhearing that conversation between Etheria and River, the whole thing felt less like an alliance and more like a detente.

Correspondingly, around both the main building and the annex, was a reasonably tall and fully one foot thick stone wall. It had a single small opening, which was, currently, missing a door. There was a second wall (this one with a door), Marco knew, at the edge of the estate itself and, between the two, a few hectares of overgrown weeds, thorn bushes, and untrimmed grass. There were also a few fruit trees, and a brook that passed right through the middle of Lavabo's lands.

It was this brook towards which Marco was now headed. He made sure to keep to the few clear paths, where the vegetation growth had been crushed by the regular steps of the Knight of the Wash and his, rather few, guests. He knew better than to jump carelessly onto the undergrowth. Not only could there be snakes in there but, for some reason, it seemed someone had set up a number of bear traps down there where the weeds where the thickest. Perhaps another old defense? Like a low tech minefield? 

He soon reached the familiar shallow river. During the Summer rains, Lavabo had explained, it could only be crossed at the singular stone bridge inside the estate. At this time, however, it was thin enough that Marco was sure he could leap it if he really tried, and could easily wade through it. 

First, he cleaned the plate and knife on the stream, scrubbing them with his hands after frothing some soap, and wrapping them in a cloth afterwards. Then he disrobed, and, ah, went to do his business behind a bush. After that, he completed his morning routine with a quick bath.

Using the bucket to pour water on his naked body, and the soap to clean himself, Marco proceeded to wash. He really missed plumbing and Earth-style showers, but he was actually sort of surprised how quickly he got over it as a practical matter. Then again, he liked going out camping back on Earth and this was pretty similar, just, you know, for an entire year.

A few minutes later, he dried himself off with the towel, got dressed, collected back all his things and continued his way towards the outer gate. He wanted to check on the mailbox outside, maybe there was another letter from Star today.

\----

The outermost wall of Lavabo’s estate was thinner than the inner walls, more of a tall brick fence against the creatures of the forest, than a defence in case of armed invasion. It was still thrice as tall as the human boy, and the iron-reinforced oak door at the gate looked sturdy enough to stop an angry bear. Then again, Marco knew for a fact that, deep within the forest, there were things far worse than bears. Hydras, for one.

However, this was only the outskirts of the Forest of Certain Death, and so the squire saw no issue in unlocking the chained padlock, removing the heavy wooden bar that secured the front door, and stepping out of the knight’s lands. 

Right outside, was the imposing iron box which served as the estate’s mailbox. Marco began searching his keychain for the particular key that opened the back of the spike-topped metal box, when he noticed a pair of coal-like glowing red eyes staring at him from behind the nearby treeline. 

Crap!

Marco jumped backwards just as the creature leaped forward, landing where he had just been. It let out an ominous growl, like the sound of trees swaying and cracking under an extraordinarily strong gale.

It was with this thought that the squire realized how the creature had managed to remain so well camouflaged until he met its eyes. It was made entirely out of wood! 

Its skin was rough brown tree bark, with a patch of green moss growing on its flank. Its legs and body were trunk-like, but shaped crudely into animal limbs. The whole thing was a bizarre cross between a lion and a bull; all splintered claws, and fangs, and two sharp long horns. Worse still, the beast was almost as tall on four legs as Marco was on two.

Sensibly, the boy ran for the door, smashed it behind him without a hint of hesitation, and dropped back the heavy wooden bar on its latch. There, with his back to the door, he let out a sigh of relief. 

Yeah, um, nope! No way he was fighting that thing over the freaking mail. He would simply check it later that afternoon, and only after making sure the creature was gone.

He was wondering whether he should tell Lavabo about the monster, when he heard another wooden growl, this one coming from above.

Marco looked up and, to his horror, he saw that the beast was standing atop the outer wall itself. Effortlessly, it jumped down once more, landing right in front of him. A green vine-like tongue licked the edge of a row of sharp splinter-teeth.

“Ah there kitty kitty…” Marco tried, rather lamely, to soothe the ligneous feline. His hand immediately reached for his right pocket, while he held his left palm in front of him, as if hoping the hungry creature would respect his ‘ _stop_ ’ gesture.

In response, the monster patted the floor a few times with its right paw, lowered its head, and charged at Marco like an enraged bull.

The squire pulled out his dimensional scissors, and cut a hole in front of his body, fully intending to send this creature barrelling into Brita’s Tacos if he had to. Fortunately for anyone working the drive through that morning, and unfortunately for Marco, the beast jumped aside in the last minute, agile like a cat.

It swiped at the boy with its paw from his left, but Marco was already running towards the opposite direction.

It wasn’t much of a chase, really. The creature leaped once and landed right ahead of him.

Resigned to fighting the thing, Marco put away the scissors and pulled out the knife he had just cleaned before. A butter knife.

‘Marco, you idiot, you are fighting a lion-bull-thing with a damn butter knife!’ he thought to himself, in the second between when he first brandished the weapon and the monster again leaped towards him, mouth wide open.

Now, fortunately for him, the medieval land of Mewni had not discovered aluminum. This meant that knives, even butter knives, were made of iron or, as was the case with Lavabo’s, steel. So when Marco stuck the piece of cutlery vertically in between the creature’s jaws, it was thankfully able to withstand the pressure of the wooden mandibles, keeping them from closing around the boy’s hand. The fact that the knife was dull, however, meant that the squire managed to anger and confuse the beast far more than to injure it. The blade didn’t even lodge properly on its hard wooden palate.

That, however, still meant an opportunity for Marco to counter-attack. Before the beast could spit out the implement, Marco was already on his feet again, and poised for combat. Drawing on years of karate practice, he aimed his strongest kick at the creature’s left paw, and drove into it right at the joint with all he had.

He had imagined himself breaking the animal’s leg in two as if it were a stack of training boards. Turns out that, whatever the creature was made of, it was a sturdier type of wood than the plywood boards he was used to. Pain shot through Marco’s leg and for a moment he was afraid it was his own limb that had been broken.

But the beast let out a yelp of pain as well, like a high note from a badly tuned wooden pipe organ, and Marco was thankfully reassured that he had dealt more damage than he had received. Then again, the thing had four legs, and he only had the two. He couldn’t afford to keep exchanging blows like that.

Wait! That was it. He didn’t need to! There was a much better way to cripple this creature.

Marco ran, hurriedly, towards a nearby patch of weeds, the tallest he could find. The creature, angered by the squire’s last strike, followed in furious pursuit. Even with a damaged leg, it could still move way faster than the boy could. Besides, his own leg complained with every hurried stride. 

He couldn’t outrun this thing. But, then again, that wouldn’t be a problem for long. He just needed to reach the tall grass and then, take a leap of faith, in more ways than one...

He jumped over the tall patch, barely clearing it. The monster jumped right behind him, falling into the overgrown area, snapping at him with sharp wooden fangs even as Marco rolled away on all fours. If he was wrong, he would likely not get a chance to stand up again. The beast had no problem with the vegetation, to its instincts it probably looked like the perfect place to hide.

It was. 

The perfect place to hide a bear trap, that is!

The creature’s agonized roar sounded like the cracking of a tree trunk. Marco could say that with some confidence, since he had the sound of its wooden right hind leg cracking, as the metal maw of the trap snapped around it, for comparison.

Well, it seemed Marco had just realized what all the traps were there for, ‘Ah, yes, angry timber chimeras can jump into this place any second, and we place traps accordingly! Aren’t you glad I told you this, Marco Diaz?’ ‘Why yes, Sir Lavabo, I am particularly glad I didn’t have to figure this out on my own while pursued by such a creature’.

The beast growled and trashed. Marco scrambled to get out of its reach. It limped towards him, but the heavy iron chain now held the creature tied to the ground. It struggled against it, seemingly in vain.

Until, unfortunately, Marco heard one more crack, and the bull-lion monstrosity broke free, leaving its own splintered limb inside the trap. It ended in a sharp jagged stump, like the cracked wooden beam of a house.

The thing turned towards him again, regarding the boy with cautious hatred. It growled at the squire. And then… it turned away.

It limped towards the outer wall of Lavabo’s estate and, not without significant struggle, climbed up the stone barrier again. From that perch, the beast directed one final angry growl at Marco. It then less jumped and more let itself fall towards the side of the forest. In either case, it had seemingly decided that the human boy was more trouble than the paltry meal he represented was worth.

It took a few moments for the terrified squire to catch his breath, and even longer for him to feel safe enough taking his sight off the top of the outer wall. 

God that was so intense! Could his relaxing day off become anymore hectic!? 

Marco took a minute to carefully examine his injured leg. While he would be limping on it for most of the day, he was confident it would feel better by nightfall. He was lucky. 

Lavabo had mentioned the importance of not taking unnecessary risks. Any accidental damage caused to your body would lead to less work getting done in the Wash, and that place was intense enough that it’d be hard for you to heal properly and still tend to your duties. If that thing had done more than it did to Marco, his squireship could’ve been over right there, and he’d have to return home.

After staring at the creature’s shattered limb, still caught on the bear trap, for a few seconds, Marco began to ponder something. This was the first time he had ever seen something like that since living here. Marco went out to get the mail several times before, but those times the forest looked deserted.

But what if it had been hiding in those woods the entire time? Watching Marco’s repetitive morning routine of mail collection each day? Enough times to where it was sure today was the day it could take him out by surprise? Marco felt stupid for allowing an animal to trick him into a false sense of security like that. 

He now understood why Lavabo believed it was for the best that no civilians lived with them. Thinking about how one of those wooden creatures could’ve come after his parents during that ‘ _vacation_ ’ months back made Marco realize just how lucky he was, but if he was going to survive Mewni, he needed more than just dumb luck.

Thankfully, Marco had his dimensional scissors. They may be awkward in combat at times, as this last encounter just proved, but they had plenty of other applications. The squire closed his eyes, cleared his mind and only thought of the inside of the mailbox. Once the image appeared in his head, he opened a portal small enough for his hand to fit through and retrieved several papers.

Ha! Take that, Nature!

Marco triumphantly made his way to a nearby tree stump and sat on it.

He normally wouldn’t examine someone’s personal mail, but Lavabo lived a reclusive life outside his work. He didn’t have any family from what Marco could tell, so all of his mail ended up being flyers for various mewman businesses. Reading these were part of Marco’s morning ritual; it helped him paint a better picture of the Mewni outside Butterfly Castle’s walls, and he always held onto the flyers of places he wanted to visit once he had the time.

Let’s see now…

One flyer was for a standard looking restaurant that was near Town Square. Their signature dish was a calzone that could predict your death. Ehh, at least it wasn’t corn-based… as far as he knew. 

Another one was for this dimensional importer that sold exotic goods from a variety of places. Marco supposed that anyone with dimensional scissors could make a business of this type, but man was it all expensive. $650 for a ‘I Love NY’ shirt, no thanks!

The next flyer made Marco's stomach drop. It was one for St. Olga’s Reform School for Wayward Princesses. He had assumed the worst until realizing the flyer had been heavily edited with crayons and glitter. 

The dark clouds that were meant to invoke a sense of dread were now obscured by a crudely-drawn rainbow that traveled several pages. The melancholic moon in the upper left was now… a disco ball?

Several changes like that were made to show St. Olga's was not the same hell-hole since Heinous was kicked out, which was definitely a good thing. From what Pony Head had told him, the place had been turned into a sort of club house for princesses; a place where they could relax, have fun, and forget about their future responsibilities, if just for a little while. In a sense, it was kind of like how Star treated Earth.

Oh! Speaking of Star, he still needed to see if she sent him a letter. The squire placed St. O’s flyer down and flipped through the rest of the mail. As if the seemingly random assortment of papers had a mind of its own, and wanted to play with Marco's anticipation, the letter in question was the very last item. He recognized the familiar ‘To Marco’ on the envelope. 

Marco smiled giddily. He had told Star in his last letter that he wouldn't be in the Wash today, so he had given her Lavabo's address. Hopefully his subtle hint that he had the day off was conveyed well enough. If he was lucky, Star would want to use this once-a-week opportunity to hang out with him, if she had the time, that is. The idea of them exploring the town together and visiting all the places in the flyers Marco had kept sounded like the perfect day!

He opened the letter and began reading.

> Hey Marco!
> 
> I really hope this letter reaches you. The Mewni mailman tends to have a hard time delivering to anywhere that’s outside the kingdom’s barrier. If you’re reading this letter and are not Marco Ubaldo Diaz, then please place this letter on the corpse you found it next to and walk away. There is sensitive information beyond this paragraph and reading further without my permission will be considered an offense punishable by Narwhal Blast . You have been warned! 
> 
> Anyway, if you don’t mind, Marco, I sorta wanna get into serious mode for a bit. This has been on my chest for a while. 
> 
> So I went to a funeral a few days ago. I have been going to a lot of those lately, actually, but this one was for a great-aunt or something named Syrma Butterfly. I didn’t really know her that well, so you could imagine the whole thing was super awkward. Everyone was crying and talking about what a great person she was, and I just kept to myself by the punch bowl. 
> 
> Later on everyone was gathered around telling all these great stories about her, and eventually I started crying as well. Not because I missed Aunt Syrma, but because I didn’t know her to begin with, and I realized it was all my fault.
> 
> Even though I lived with them in the castle my entire life, I was never that close with my mom’s side of the family. Unlike my dad’s family, they were always so stressful to be around. Scolding me for fighting monsters and bad-table manners, asking me stupid questions about becoming queen. I avoided them whenever I could, and I always felt justified for keeping my distance.
> 
> For the longest time, I thought my own grandmother was living on a ‘Grandma Farm’ in a faraway land somewhere, until my mom told me she had actually died way before I was even born. At first I was like ‘Geez, thanks Mom for lying to me about that my entire life,’ but now I wonder why I didn’t ever ask to visit Grandma in the first place. Was I just afraid of meeting yet another naggy relative?
> 
> I was unfair to all of them, including my mom. Yes, they can be stressful to talk to and are very, very, demanding, but I think that’s just their way of looking out for me. They want me to be ready to take over the kingdom and all that. I bet if I got to know Syrma we would’ve gotten along great. I’m not gonna make the same mistake. I wanna start making good memories with these people. They’re my family after all!
> 
> Sorry to dump this on you, Marco. I don't know why but I think putting this all on paper first helped me figure out how I was gonna approach this. I already feel less guilty about it and am more determined to make things right! So thanks for listening!
> 
> I guess another reason I started thinking about this stuff is because I’ve been spending more time with Eclipsa, who is also family but unlike the others is super fun to talk to. Even if she wasn't my grandma, I’d still consider her great great great great great great great great great! If you know what I mean ;)
> 
> And yes, don't worry, I HAVE been careful around her! I still don't see what the big deal is. Eclipsa doesn't even know how to use wandless magic. She's just a harmless granny.
> 
> Okay this letter has been really rambly. Just one more thing before I let you go! 
> 
> I already knew you wouldn’t be at the Wash today, because the Squire Blowout is happening! I was sorta, maybe, kinda, perhaps wondering if you could get me a palm tree outfit while you’re there! I always wanted one, but they’re usually super expensive, but with the discount squires get during the Blowout, it should cost pocket change. Obviously I’m not a squire, so if you could get one on my behalf I would really appreciate it! If not then that’s okay too!
> 
> Ugh, my hand hurts. Okay, done for realies this time. Hope you enjoyed your first week in the Wash and have fun at the Blowout!
> 
> Best Wishes -  Star Butterfly , Princess and Future Queen of the Butterfly Kingdom .

Man, Marco could practically feel the carpal tunnel syndrome Star must have received after writing such a long letter. This was a deviation from the norm, as it was usually Marco who ended up writing the lengthy and very-not-to-the-point letters. That funeral for Lady Syrma must of really affected her. It was nice Star was willing to open up to him like this again. It felt like old times... 

And, similar to those old times, Star was asking Marco to go on an adventure to get some frivolous thing. Granted, in the old times she usually came with him, but it felt a little nostalgic to be told she wanted some gimmicky outfit. Moreso since, knowing Star, he could already foresee the ridiculously dangerous quest which would be involved in getting said silly costume.

Marco re-read that particular paragraph and frowned. What even _was_ a Squire Blowout? He didn’t have the slightest clue. The term sounded like something you’d hear during a Black Friday sale.

...

Something in Marco’s head clicked and he searched through the rest of the unread mail until he had found what he needed: A small pamphlet addressed to both Marco _and_ Lavabo.

> Greetings, young Squire. You and your knight have been formally selected by the Butterfly Kingdom to partake in Quest Buy’s ten thousandth annual Squire Blowout! Tonight and tonight only, you can get an entire year’s worth of equipment and supplies in just one chaotic night!
> 
> What’s that? Poverty and Famine got you down? No problem! During this squire-exclusive sale, our featured Quest Buy items will be 99% off MSRP! Wow!
> 
> Supplies **will** be limited, so plan ahead and prioritize the essentials! Your knight will be counting on you! Show your appreciation to them! Bling them out so they can display their superiority! Make your peers question their career paths! Buy! Buy! **Buy**!
> 
> Disclaimer: Quest Buy and its affiliates are in no way legally responsible for any injuries, burns, scratches, memory loss, decapitation, itchiness, eternal damnation, missing possessions, lost children-

-and it sort of went on for another 3 paragraphs.

Oh no. Quest Buy…

Wait! ‘Tonight and tonight only’? An _annual_ sale? Did Lavabo even know about this? Marco had to hurry up and tell the old knight, not only because it seemed like a good chance for both of them to get real knight gear, but also because Star’s gift request was the perfect excuse to visit her in person!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise surprise, we are not dead! 
> 
> Look, a lot of you have mentioned that the release schedule, or lack thereof, does interrupt the flow of reading this story. We hear you, we really do. Unfortunately, for various reasons, this really cannot go any faster than it does on our end, at least not without trading off quality for speed, which we really don't want to do. 
> 
> The good news, however, is that for one time only, as a special Quest Buy promotion, we can actually guarantee you that Chapter 7 will be out in a week!
> 
> ... because we already pretty much wrote it... since the original idea for this chapter grew into a double-length monstrosity. But still, this means guaranteed shorter wait for Ch07, and hopefully a better than usual delay between 07 and 08!


	7. Making Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lavabo once again offers words of wisdom, Marco recalls past victories, and a long awaited character makes an appearance.

“Sir Lavabo! Sir Lavabo!” Marco shouted as he knocked on the manor’s front gate, still panting a little from running all the way from the far side of the estate. His leg still hurt, but only barely.

“Ah, Marco Diaz, please, come on in. It is open,” replied a calm voice through the sturdy door. “Are you mayhap under pursuit? If so, please hold on for just a moment, I’ll be able to lend my assistance as soon as I have finished just this one ear of corn.”

What? No, he was fine. Also, wait, did that mean that if he _were_ being pursued by a monster right now, Lavabo would finish eating and _then_ try to help him!? Marco shook his head and pulled the door towards him, walking in on the Knight of the Wash eating breakfast.

“No, I am not _‘under pursuit’_. But, for the record, sir, I did encounter some sort of wood monster earlier this morning,” Marco noted. “A heads up about those would have been nice!”

“Ah, a ‘wooden monster’, you say? A True Timberwolf, perhaps? Or an Elmbeast? Maybe even a Greater Oakwolf? Certainly not the dreaded Ironwood Ursus! Not this far out of the forest…”

Um, did that mean there were multiple murderous creatures made of wood roaming around? Crap! Marco was pretty sure he understood now why nobody else lived out here.

“Look, I don’t know what any of those are, it didn’t look like a wolf, I almost broke my leg kicking it, and I am only alive because I remembered about the bear traps!” Marco complained.

“The Elmbeast most likely, then. Had it been an Oakwolf or an Ironwood, you would most likely have truly broken your leg.” Lavabo wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Please do not risk that in the future, Marco Diaz, a broken leg would greatly interfere with your duties.”

“You know what would also interfere with my duties?” the squire asked irritated. “Being eaten!”

Lavabo blinked.

“Yes, I suppose it would,” the knight admitted, somewhat taken aback. “But I would not expect a paltry beast like that to defeat a squire of the Order of the Wash. Particularly not one showing such great promise as yourself, Marco Diaz.”

Marco almost blushed at the compliment. Ah, right, Lavabo expected a lot of him. He had since day one, since the Lint Monster. Clearly the reason he didn’t think of warning him, and would have had him wait out an attack while he finished breakfast, was that the old knight was quite confident on his squire’s ability to handle anything Mewni might throw at him. So it wasn’t him simply being unconcerned about the boy’s safety after all. Was it?

“I assume you kept the body?” the knight asked pointedly.

“Eh, I, I kept a leg, sir,” Marco stammered.

“That’s ...not much,” reflected Lavabo, scratching his head. “Elmbeast bark’s ashes are a prime ingredient for some of the most versatile alchemical soaps, and their flank is by far the prime cut of their wood. The leg alone is hardly enough for even a single bar of soap.” He paused for an instant. “Tell you what, Marco Diaz, starting next week, I shall teach you all I know about dealing with the forest’s beasts. I shall indeed need help hunting for supplies, after all, and it could also help prevent an unlikely career ending accident of the sort you just described…” 

“Ah, yes, that would be great sir, thanks,” Marco replied, half reasured, half terrified about what a hunting trip with Lavabo might entail. “But, sir… speaking of supplies, what I wanted to show you is, well… this.” 

He handed Lavabo the Midnight Warrior Blowout Sale invitation, ‘For knights and their squires only’. As much as Marco hated Quest Buy, it did seem less dangerous than a hunting trip inside the Forest of Certain Death, if only barely.

The old knight’s eyes went wide, and Marco could have sworn a tear had begun to form on the right one. “Marco Diaz, this is truly amazing news! Why didn’t you say so first?”

“I tried to…” Marco complained, only to be interrupted.

“It’s been so long! I haven’t been to one of these sales since I myself was a squire! Oh youth... You see, only a knight and squire pair is a valid entrant into their sale, it is tradition, and I never had... ah, I never had a squire, not until now… Marco Diaz, I am ever so honored to…” He stopped short, noticing the rest of the invitation details. “Oh, but we must hurry! Grab some paper and a quill, I’ll try to make a list of what we need along the way…”

“Actually, sir,” Marco smiled, confidently. “I don’t think we are _quite_ so short on time. I mean, we can always just join them all at Quest Buy.”

He took out the dimensional scissors from his pocket and proudly spun them around in his hand. He might or might not have tried to raise an eyebrow too.

Lavabo frowned.

“Marco Diaz, I appreciate the gesture. However, that will not do,” he remarked solemnly. “For you see, while the supplies we will get tonight are indeed invaluable to the Wash and to our sworn duties in general, that is not at all the true intent behind the knight and squire blowout sale tradition. It is, instead, first and foremost, an opportunity for both generations of our gentel tradition to meet and to mingle and to deepen the bonds of camaraderie of our chivalric profession, in a safe and amiable environment. We must, thus, endeavor to make our best impression, and to represent all of the knightly virtues, humility chief among them! To show off in such manner as you suggest, from the very moment of our arrival, would thus run counter to the very purpose of this crucial opportunity to build goodwill among our peers. We must tread the same paths as the other knights and squires, as comrades, or else not join them at all. Therefore, Marco Diaz, we shall walk, and we _must_ hurry…”

“Uh… ok… sure...” Marco tried his best to hide his disappointment as he put the scissors away and rushed for his bag and supplies.

Geez, ok, Lavabo was probably right on this one, but did it really hurt to show off for once? From what he had seen of the other knights of Mewni so far, that whole thing about humility being chief among their virtues was a bunch of crap anyways.

Also, if they were in such a hurry, then surely the old knight could have said the same thing in like one tenth as many words…

\----

It turned out, Lavabo had two lists to dictate to Marco, as they literally jogged through the mewnian countryside. The first was apparently the ‘standard’ squire blowout list. A squire was supposed to help outfit their knight with armor, weapons, dragon repellent, and a young war horse, among a few other items. Yes, he was supposed to literally buy Lavabo a pony!

But that was the _short_ list. The long list was this endless wishlist of cleaning implements, detergents, magical waxes and oils, and other magical reagents useful in the job of cleaning clothes. And, Lavabo insisted, both lists were of the utmost importance to fulfill. Plus, he had that other special request, the one Star had asked for… Man, getting that dumb palm tree costume might be his best chance to casually meet up with Star, if only to deliver the prop. 

It was weird, but over the last week they had exchanged letters almost daily, some short and some long, and yet Marco hadn’t dared outright suggest that they hang out. He had hinted at it, a few times, but Star was not one for getting subtle clues. After his first two days in Mewni, he had not tried to just find Star again on his own either, given how busy she seemed to be. But if he got her the costume, then he had the perfect excuse to go deliver it to her. Not that he needed an excuse, of course. After all, is not like things were bad between the two of them. Is just, well, that way it would be a bit more, dunno, natural, right? 

On the way to the southern fields, they passed a foreboding mountain, crowned with snow and bisected by a flowing stream of lava. Marco recognized the place. It was the _‘hill’_ of the king-of-the-hill-like Game of Flags. It was a senseless brutal bloodsport by which both sides of Star’s family regularly engaged each other in competition. Marco had only been there the one time - which, side note, he totally won - and that had been enough to give him a long term sense of alarm about the dynamics of the Butterfly-Johansen feud. That talk between River and Etheria the other day didn’t help matters there one bit.

Marco, more aware of the geographical position of that hill in between the two allied kingdoms than he had been back on that day, now wondered about the first time both families had fought over its peak. Had it been a game that day too, or a field of battle? He briefly considered asking Sir Lavabo. But the old knight preempted him with the words: “Twice diluted ‘Blood of Regin’ potion, for the _cuir bouilli_ of dragonhide, half a gallon at least, three-quarters prefered.”

Marco hurried to write that up, his earlier thoughts forgotten.

\----

Marco and Sir Lavabo arrived at the meeting point near the southern corn fields just in time. They crossed the top of the nearest foothills, just as the trumpet called the encamping warriors to attention. Marco recognized the owner of such trumpet. Star’s family majordomo of sorts: Manfred.

“Knights of Mewni, squires, attention,” the vaguely snobbish man announced in a polite detached tone. “The portals to Quest Buy will be opened in 15 minutes. Please undo your tents, gather your supplies, and be prepared to form in orderly files of ten.”

Well, Marco didn’t know if that put them ahead or behind the curve, but neither him nor Lavabo had brought a tent. The more punctual knights however, seemed to be already busying themselves dismantling their own. He and Lavabo just automatically tried the universal strategy of the tardy: mixing themselves with the bustling crowd as soon as possible, to dissimulate their lateness.

The human boy had never before realized just how many knights and squires Mewni had. He counted a few dozens of fully armored nobles, plus each of their far less overdressed, usually much scrawnier, counterparts. 

The knights that had apprehended him the day he arrived in Mewni where there, as were the few he met during his short summer stay after the battle with Toffee. He saw that mountain of a woman, Lady Whats-Her-Name… She was literally crushing her own tent flat, with the help of some baby-faced guy who was almost as hefty as she was, albeit significantly more doughy looking. 

There were also a lot more people that he didn’t recognize. There was some dude who looked even older than Lavabo, but was not in armor for some reason (he couldn’t possibly be a squire, could he?). Some goth-looking girl with what looked like an iron mandolin stood besides an even scarier knight full of scars. A wimpy kid carried a pile of books around a stern looking older lady-knight. And… wait, was that a demon all the way over there? ...and… oh… crap!

“Ah, arriving late, I see, _washboy_. Well, normally I’d say it’s better late than never, but in your case… I guess I don’t see the point of even showing up. This is an event for the squires of _actual_ knights.” Such was Sir Stabby’s pointed stab at a greeting.

Marco considered rising to the bait with an equally biting reply. However, such audacious impulse was forestalled by two separate concerns. The first was that he actually didn't have that good of a comeback. The second, and most important, was Sir Stabby's demonstrated willingness to escalate verbal sparring to the steel-wielding variety with remarkable short warning.

The young squire looked at Sir Lavabo for support, but the old knight hardly seemed to notice his apprentice's predicament. The Knight of the Wash looked instead to be utterly entranced with the crowd around them, a starry eyed gaze surveying the arrayed pairs of mentors and mentees.

"My own squire..." Marco heard the man whisper, even as he ignored the squire in question and his predicament.

"Oh, I see," Stabby remarked. "My apologies, boy. I misunderstood. For a moment I thought you were operating under the absurd impression that you were a real participant in tonight's event. Now I see that you only seek to play along with the old senile coot's happy delusions. A noble enough act, all things considered..."

"Wait a minute..." begun Marco, but a firm hand gripped him by the shoulder. Lavabo's hand. It held onto him with remarkable strength, even as the knight's affable and distracted expression remained unchanged.

"Yes, boy?" Stabby asked, haughtily impatient.

"Ah, nothing, Sir," Marco stammered. He looked down, clenching his fists.

He understood what Lavabo was doing. There was no point in starting, or even joining, a fight with Sir Stabby, for either of them. If Marco had to appear to be a coward, and his extremely capable knight had to seem like a loon, then so be it. That was what the grip on his shoulder was telling him. But still, it didn't mean Marco had to like it.

Sir Stabby smiled, "Very well then, you take care of gramps over there, boy. Just remember, when the sale starts... don't get in my way."

The peacock-haired knight swiveled on his feet, purposefully giving his back to the Knight of the Wash and his squire. He begun pointedly marching in the opposite direction.

Marco sighed.

"Hey, don't mind him too much, alright?" spoke a female voice from behind his right side.

Marco turned around to see a redhead girl with a pixie cut walking by, carrying a bunch of jousting lances and a blue tarp with both hands in front of her.

She was wearing a blue uniform, which Marco immediately recognized as a berry dye on mid-coarseness hemp fabric, and had some sort of linen training bandages over her arms. Plus she had these sweet spiked shoulder pads (iron, on grape-boiled leather). Nothing fancy, really, those were materials he saw more often on the huge peasant pile rather than the knights and squires fare, but she made it look great! 

More importantly, she seemed nice, which after dealing with 'Sir Abrasive' over there, was a welcome change as far as Marco was concerned.

"Hi, I’m Higgs. I'd offer you a handshake, but," she smiled apologetically, and looked meaningfully at the pile of iron and cloth she still held in her arms.

"Ah... oh... right, I can help you with that!" offered Marco, perhaps a bit too slowly.

"Oh, really? Sure, thanks," Higgs smiled, pushing forward half the pile into Marco's arms. "You are Lavabo's new kid, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, um, my name is Marco," he offered.

God, this stuff was heavy! The human boy struggled to even keep himself from toppling over from the weight, and that was after plenty of days of practice carrying stuff back and forth at the Wash. Whomever this girl was, she was stronger than she looked!

"Well, Marco, thanks for the assist. A helpful squire is the best squire, after all," she said brightly, politely trying to suppress a chuckle as Marco stumbled just a little bit under the load. "Now, why don't you help me get this stuff to our line?"

"Yeah, sure," Marco agreed. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Sir Lavabo giving him a surreptitious wink.

"Cool. That way we can keep talking," reasoned the mewman girl. "Sorry to be in a rush, but Sir Stabby always gets cranky if he is not first in line, and I think Old Guy is almost done with Sir Dashing's tent too..."

"Wait, your knight is Stabby!?" Marco realized, with horror. "...I ...I am not sure he'll want to see me bring his stuff..."

"Oh, he won't see you," Higgs reassured him. "He won't be there until later. He only wants me to reserve him a spot. He'll probably be trying to chat up Lady Whosits or something instead. But, really, don't pay too much attention to that guy, he is always like that when you first meet him, really."

"Oh, so he is not as bad once you get to know him better?" Marco asked, not entirely hopeful about that.

Higgs laughed. "Are you kidding? He is way worse when you get to know him! Believe me..."

Marco chortled at this, taken by surprise by the humorous reply. "Well, my condolences, then."

It was Higgs' time to laugh.

God, this was so nice. Marco had just met the girl and he felt like they had known each other for a while. It was just so easy to joke around with her, she was cool like that. She kinda reminded him of a certain other cool girl back in Echo Creek, except that one he had always had a lot more trouble talking to... no, never mind that for now.

"Well, and how about you, Marco?" she asked. "Is the crazy laundry-knight as crazy as the rumors say?"

"Hey! Don't dis Sir Lavabo, he is actually a pretty great knight," Marco protested, in a somewhat serious tone. But then, he had to admit, rolling his eyes, that, "of course, he is mostly great in... roundabout ways."

She chuckled appreciatively.

They finally reached the blue flagpole on the ground that marked the start of one of the portaling queues. Not his or Lavabo's, of course, but apparently Sir Stabby's and Sir Dashing's, and well, Higgs'.

Most of the knights seemed to be missing from this area of the field, relying instead on their squires to carry their belongings and reserve their places in the various lines. Still, the place was teeming with squires, mostly young mewmans, hurrying up and down carrying bags and weapons and camping supplies. Which made it extra embarrassing when Marco tripped on... something, and was sent rolling to the ground, spilling Stabby's lances and packages all over the place.

"Oh, wow," Higgs remarked. "Marco, if those were too heavy for you, you should have told me sooner!"

She raised her voice to where the boy was sure everyone around them could hear it. There was also something about her concern that seemed somehow less than genuine.

"Here, let me give you a hand... _prince_."

Sarcasm dripped from her voice as she said that last word, and then Marco realized, to his utter confusion, what he had tripped on. The squire girl had stuck her foot in front of him, clearly on purpose.

"Prince?" he asked.

“As in: _‘the prince of the princess' deepest desire’_?” Higgs sang and rolled her eyes. Then looking at Marco’s shocked expression, and his slowly dawning recollection, she smirked, “So, I was right! You really are that tool, aren’t you?”

Star’s Song Day! She was quoting from that dumb song: _‘and who is the boy in the Earthly attire…?’_. Damn that idiot Ruberiot!

“No. I mean yes… I mean… Look, we didn’t know what was going to be in that song, and it really isn’t like that,” he clarified. Alright, to be honest, it was more accurate to say that he unclarified. He was still more confused than anything else by the girl’s sudden change in attitude.

“‘We didn’t know’?” Higgs asked, raising an eyebrow at him. “ _‘We’_? As in the goddamn Princess Star and you? Well, excuse me, your highness, if us peons somehow misinterpreted the song’s _oh-so-subtle_ message… How about I say what I _think_ I know, so that His Grace might correct my ignorance?”

Where the hell did that come from? Marco was about to ask her what her fucking problem was, when the squire just went ahead with her very public, very loud, explanation.

“The way it seems to me, _prince_ , and to most of us down here, is that the princess was using her formal introduction as a way to announce her complete nobody of a royal boyfriend. Some random idiot that she met during her inter-dimensional _vacation_ and who knew jack shit about Mewni, but might very well have ended up lording above all of us one day,” she explained, angrily. “It seems to me, that she was also using that announcement as a distraction from the fact that she and her parents lost the damn Royal Book of Spells. An _‘oopsie’_ that, by the way, led to that monster taking over and flying thousands into the sky… But hey, it’s all fine now, because the princess learned a lesson about having to do her fucking job or something...”

“Hey! That’s not fair!” Marco protested. “Star was the one who beat Toffee! She saved Mewni, and she is trying to help her mom rebuild it!”

“So, you’re saying we are all mistaken, then? That it wasn’t half her wand in ‘King Ludo’s’ hand? That it wasn’t her magic that… that… that did all that!” She clenched her fist as she eyed the boy up and down. Then, coldly, she added, “You must think we are all really stupid!”

Marco had nothing to say to that. It still wasn’t fair, Toffee had done that, not Star. But he had to wonder, maybe if they had gone to the Magic High Commission before Song Day…

“But yeah, whatever, I am sure it sucks to be you,” Higgs continued. “Because, well, last I heard, the princess is now dating the Lucitor heir. So I guess she sent off her ex to play squire to get him out of the way, maybe because he didn’t quite get the hint that she wanted him to just leave. Or is that another misinterpretation on my part?”

“I am not her ex! Star and I never dated!” he protested. He didn’t want to think about how the rest of it might not have been entirely wrong, though. “She was… is… my best friend.”

“Alright. I stand corrected then, Marco: You are even more of a tool than I suspected!” she chuckled. “So, my _condolences_ to you too, _prince_. My condolences that you didn’t end up lucking your way into the goddamn throne just because the princess liked your stupid face. My _condolences_ that you have to settle for being handed in a silver platter the opportunity to someday become a knight, an opportunity that I worked so hard to get. My condolences that you didn’t slam into nobility quite as hard as you expected!”

She seemed furious, and the squires around him were glaring daggers at Marco, no doubt also thinking about how him being there cheapened their own achievements. Marco had thought Star was pushing him aside that day when she brought him down to the Wash. But, at the same time, seen from their perspective, he had actually been handed out a job he didn’t earn, and is not like he could easily convince them otherwise. 

Well, so much for Lavabo’s advise to make a good first impression.

He wanted to yell back at the girl, to protest that he didn’t deserve this treatment. He knew he was lucky to be Star’s friend, but that luck wasn’t his fault. He honestly wanted to prove he deserved being a squire and then a knight, but they were not even giving him the chance show that. 

What would Lavabo do in this situation? What could _Marco_ do?

He stood up, silently. Slowly, he picked up the things he had dropped, carefully placing them at the front of the line with Higgs’ original pile.

Then he just walked away. 

Marco could already hear the snickering increase, and he tried his best to ignore them so he wouldn’t end up sobbing and embarrassing himself further. He had already made himself look stupid by prioritizing another knight’s spot and equipment over his own. Thinking about it now, Higgs was probably testing him on that front as well. He just hoped Lavabo wasn’t feeling a similar amount of shame.

“Look on the bright side, Marco,” Higgs said. Marco kept walking away from her. “The Squire Blowout is only once a year. After tomorrow, both you and us actual squires won’t have to deal with each other for a while. Stay in the Wash if you must. Just stop making us look bad by acting your stupid play-pretend in public, and you’ll save me the trouble of constantly showing you up like this, alright?”

Marco wanted to take after Lavabo. He tried to tell himself he didn’t need their validation. Honor was not about how others perceived you, but about who you knew, deep inside, you were. As long as he was doing the right thing, and kept providing curse-free clothes to every single resident of Mewni, that alone would be enough. He would be content.

But he wasn’t. He felt like garbage. He felt even worse than when he was alone in the Lint Catcher for those grueling six hours. Six hours of self-reflection where Marco reminded himself of every single mistake he had made to everyone, on both Earth and Mewni. But Marco was used to down-talking himself. To be told that he sucked, and that everything he got was undeserved, by a complete stranger...

It stunk. It really, really stunk...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A promise is a promise, and Chapter 7 is here at exactly the week mark. Say hello to Higgs!
> 
> Next up: Quest Buy shenanigans! More squires! Certain redhead continuing to be a pain in the butt! And whatever happened to Star's palm tree outfit? ;)


	8. Trouble Squired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet new faces, old acquaintances, fiends from hell, and a traitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has _a ton_ of OCs, hope y'all are cool with that ;)

The tension inside the cramped tiny tent was thick enough you could have cut it with a sword. Lavabo and his colleague glanced at each other uneasily, even as they knelt towards the center of the small enclosure. They were both ostensibly focused in preparative meditation, but they seemed ill at ease inside the confined space. 

Meanwhile, Marco just sat there, hunched over, carefully double-checking the long twin shopping lists that he had hastily scribbled on the way here. He was still reeling from his initial encounter with Higgs, and from his unfortunate introduction to most of his fellow squires. 

The last person occupying the reduced space was a blond boy around Marco’s own age, who was busy fidgeting with some wooden boxes full of strange metal bits. Every so often he would glance at Marco, but the human boy just avoided his gaze. He focused instead on the item lists, and on a somewhat questionable “customer’s map” of Quest Buy he had managed to grab shortly after they all portaled into the store. The Blowout Sale was going to start soon, and Marco had to make sure he was ready.

“Ah, well, thank you again, Lady Jaya, for letting us camp with you and young Nicholas until the start of the night’s event,” Lavabo said, breaking the ice.

In all honesty, not that Marco was ungrateful or anything, but he actually would have preferred waiting outside on their own somewhere. The last thing he wanted was to be around people right now and, anyways, what was the point of a camping tent indoors? Quest Buy was huge, granted, and the ceilings were stupid-high, but it was still a building in the end, with a roof already over their heads. 

Then again, the outside of the tent was probably pretty crowded as well, if the dozens of rowdy conversations that could be heard from inside were any indication. It seemed all the knights and squires had ended up camping close together, so, if Marco went out there, he might run again into Higgs...

“Anything for an old friend, I suppose,” replied the lady knight, coldly. “And please, Lavabo, drop the formalities, Jaya is fine enough a name on its own.”

An _old_ friend seemed about right, thought Marco, not entirely kindly. The woman looked about the same age as Lavabo, if not older. Yet, she seemed anything but frail. She was clad in the full chainmail armor that Marco had begun to associate with the knights of Mewni, and the relaxed posture with which she carried that weight already betrayed significant physical strength. Yet that itself was nothing compared to the fire in those hawkish eyes, which glanced back at the human from atop her wrinkled elderly face. 

“Right, um, Jaya, allow me to introduce my squire, Marco Diaz,” announced the Knight of the Wash, clearly struggling to keep the conversation going. “He is an honorable lad, brave of spirit and kind of heart…” 

“Is that so?” The other knight glanced at Lavabo uncertainly. She looked up and down at the human boy, sizing him up. “Have you noticed, however, that in the half-hour we have been here, neither of our charges have introduced themselves to one another?”

Marco felt that was his cue to explain himself. Or to at least join the awkward discussion. But for a long painful moment, he was at a loss for what exactly to say. Eventually, his mentor spoke for him.

“Well, I do believe the boy had a less than stellar first meeting with the rest of his fellow squires,” Lavabo explained. “But I assure you, he is a dedicated, bright…”

“Right,” she interrupted him, raising a hand to shut the other knight up, presumably before he went into another of his famous long rants. “Dedicated. Honorable. Kind. And utterly incapable of dealing with others. Sounds disturbingly familiar, don’t you think?”

Lavabo raised an eyebrow, displaying no further emotion.

For his part, Marco felt his own cheeks glow red as the two knights talked about him as if he wasn’t even there. He glanced at the blond-haired boy besides him, who had lifted his light blue eyes from the boxes he was playing with, and looked up back at the human, similarly flustered. Marco was about to finally say something, when Jaya once again interrupted.

“Look, it’s been a while, and we both know we need to talk.” She motioned for Lavabo to follow her outside the tent. “There is the whole embarrassing business with the Avarius child. That and, well, you are a great knight, I ain’t sayin you ain’t, Eyebrows, but this is your first squire. I am sure you wouldn’t mind a few pointers on that as well.” 

“Ah, of course, Lady Jaya,” Lavabo agreed. She cringed at the honorific. “I’ll be glad to listen to any such wisdom as you feel your experience has…”

Jaya stopped him again with a gesture from her hand. Then she turned towards her own charge.

“Introduce yourself, squire. That’s an order.”

“Y...Yes, ma’am!” the boy spoke, flinching a little.

Both grown ups left them alone then, and the next few seconds were spent in one of the most uncomfortable silences Marco had ever experienced. He glanced between the other squire and his double shopping lists, while the other boy’s eyes darted between his wooden boxes and Marco.

“Um, hi, my name is Nicholas Archytas, I am Lady Jaya’s squire,” the other squire broke the ice first, probably because he had been commanded to. “Pleased to meet you…?” He sounded uncertain. 

“Yeah, mmmh, hey, pleased to meet you, Nick. I am Marco. Obviously I am Sir Lavabo’s squire…”

“... and a friend of princess Star,” completed the other boy.

Marco frowned. 

Of course. Nick must have seen him trip down back there, and heard him argue with Higgs, or rather, get yelled at by the redhead. At least he hadn’t called him _‘prince’_ , or said he was Star’s ex, but Marco was still annoyed he would bring that up at all.

“Yeah, sure, I suppose,” he said sourly.

“Wait, no, I didn’t mean…” the other boy stammered. “Look, what Higgs did, what she said, it was uncalled for, alright?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Marco shrugged. “It doesn’t matter that much.”

He tried to affect an air of detached indifference. Frankly, he was half-expecting this kid to also try to play him like the other girl had. Pretend to be friendly, wait for Marco to open up and, _bam_ , trip him head first into the ground! Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Well, he wasn’t going to give any of these kids the chance of doing that to him a second time. He would uphold all his duties as a squire, prove himself with his actions, not his words and, at the same time, keep clear of trusting these backstabbing assholes ever again!

“So… these are self-screwing screws, by the way,” the other squire said, interrupting his train of thought. Clearly, he was fishing for a different topic to make conversation. He pulled out three of his tiny wooden boxes, which all fit inside his open palms, and was thrusting them towards Marco, so that he could get a better look. “You see, I like making things. It’s a hobby I’ve had ever since I was a kid. Lady Jaya says it’s a waste of time for a squire, or a knight, but I just can’t help it. Look, aren’t they neat?”

The human stared confused at the boxes. They looked like normal wooden cubes, except there was a small tip of a screw protruding from a hole in one of the sides, and a metal latch fixed on the other. It also looked like you could maybe open one of the sides, if you really tried. He waited for an explanation.

“You only need to release the latch, and that sets free the first pre-tensed spring, which contracts and pulls on a chain around the screw, while also freeing the second spring, and that pulls another latch and frees the third…” Nick’s voice grew louder and faster the more he spoke, the words carried a note of honest excitement. 

He had indeed completely done a one-eighty in his demeanor, but not quite in the way Marco had initially expected. Instead of turning mean, he seemed to be going from quiet and reserved, to an unstoppable chatterbox. The earthling wasn’t quite able to keep up with the torrent of words, so he missed most of the explanation, simply nodding until…

“Look, I’ll show you!” said the other squire. He put two of the boxes on the ground. Then he leaped towards Marco as if he himself was propelled by an uncoiling spring, positioning himself besides the human boy. “Here, pay attention, I am going to do this only once. You can reset the mechanism, of course, but it takes a while… so… um, here we go…”

He flipped the release with his thumb, and the box begun trembling. From within it, came strange sounds, _clank_ and _sprong_ , mostly. Meanwhile, the screw tip at the end of the box began rapidly rotating and propelling itself forward, and in a second or two it was fully out, pointing up towards Marco’s face.

“You see, if you actually press it against something that needs to be screwed before you release the hatch, then you can save a lot of time compared to using a screwdriver. And they are pretty portable too…”

“Woah, that’s actually pretty cool,” Marco was forced to admit, the surprise taking him out from his detached caution. 

It wasn’t like he could imagine a good use for those things, given that they probably took longer to reset, let alone build one of those boxes, than simply screwing something normally. But he had to admit it was pretty creative.

“You think so?” Nicholas asked, his eyes filled with proud enthusiasm. “Most people, especially Lady Jaya, just think my inventions are weird. I mean, they aren’t anything practical, like, you know, weapons… or magic.”

Marco smiled. Of course, in Mewni, magic was considered the practical common sense way of doing things, and mechanical technology, no matter how ingenious, was not generally seen in such light. Then again, that gave Marco an idea.

“Hey, Nick, how about I show you something?” asked Marco with a wink. Then, he pulled out his cell phone from his pocket. It was a pretty cheap smartphone model, but by Mewni’s standards, Marco was sure it would blow his freaking mind: “Tada!”

“Oh, wow! Is that a magic compact mirror?” the other squire asked. He seemed a bit nervous. “Those things are super rare! ...but, um, I guess you really are friends with the princess. Well, now I feel dumb. Of course you are not really impressed by screws and springs if you are used to carrying around magical gear…”

Marco smiled. “It’s not magic, actually. And Star didn’t give this to me. This is from Earth. It is like your boxes, a… gadget, I guess you can call them both, just made of many more smaller pieces…”

“Wait, so, there is no magic in it?” Nick looked at Marco wide-eyed. “You swear?”

“Well, not the kind of magic you find in Mewni, or Quest Buy, at least,” Marco grinned. “But there is always the magic that is Flappy Bird…” 

\----

Jaya and Lavabo were out for well over an hour, while Marco proceeded to destroy Nick at every game his phone had. This must be what Tom felt like whenever the two of them hung out! Marco had to admit it felt good, and the other boy was a pretty good sport about it. Normally, he would have worried about his battery but, unlike Butterfly Castle and Lavabo’s estate, Quest Buy had power outlets!

“Well, glad to see you two are capable of interacting with each other,” chuckled Lady Jaya as she and the other knight came back into the tent. “Still, enough is enough, there are other squires to meet before the competition. Nicholas… do I make myself sufficiently clear?”

“Of course, ma’am,” the blond boy nodded. “Marco, want to head out and meet the others?”

The human’s smile fell down at that question. He was happy to have made a friend today, but, well, after what had happened earlier in the day, he was not looking forward to running into any of the other squires. Least of all Higgs. 

“Um, eh, you go ahead, ok? I… I still have to recheck the list of things we need. See you at the Blowout?” he offered.

Nicholas seemed disappointed by this, but nodded in understanding. His knight glanced pointedly at the tent’s door, and the would-be-inventor headed out through it.

Marco was allowed only a few minutes of silence to stare at his lists, however, until the lady knight addressed him directly for the first time.

“Squire, your knight described you to me as brave,” she pointed out. “You shame him by staying in here like a coward.”

Marco looked up and blinked in shock. Well, the old woman definitely wasn’t one for mincing her words. But still, she was mistaken, he was not a coward. That wasn’t the reason at all. Or, well, not entirely.

“Bravery has nothing to do with it, uh… ma’am,” Marco retorted, following Nick’s lead on how he addressed her, but looking directly at the knight’s piercing black eyes. “Look, they don’t like me. They have no reason to like me. It’s not like they are wrong about Star giving me this job…”

“Did she, now?” Jaya interrupted him. “Last I heard, the crown princess didn’t determine who became a squire of the Order of the Wash. The trial of the Lint Catcher did. Lavabo, has this somehow changed?”

“Not since the reign of Skywynne, Queen of Hours. Nor it shall, for generations of knights, and generations of queens, to come,” swore the old knight solemnly.

“That’s what I thought,” she continued, rolling her eyes. “Besides, Nicholas certainly doesn’t dislike you, boy. If anything, you started up unfairly disliking _him_. But he overcame that and managed to get you to regard him as what he should be to you, a fellow in arms and a potential friend.”

Well, when you put it that way…

“That’s not the same,” countered Marco. “I was just guarded. Some of them actually _hate_ me!”

“Fine, so they hate you,” Jaya shrugged. “That’s the way the world is. Nobody is obligated to like you from the start. You won’t be the first or the last squire to be unfairly singled out due to how they ended up here. What are you going to do about it?”

She wasn’t suggesting that he… no, no way, “I mean, I’m not going to get into an unnecessary fight with the other squires. That’s not going to make them hate me any less…”

“Perhaps,” she admitted, “But it would make them respect you.”

Lavabo looked like he wanted to start saying something, but Jaya quieted him with a knowing glance, and he simply nodded.

Well, too bad for her, because Marco knew exactly what his knight was going to say. “I don’t care if they respect me or not. I will do my duty as a squire, and eventually as a knight, and I’ll do it well. Then I can respect myself. Honor is not about how others see you, it’s about how you see yourself…”

“And pray tell, boy, how do you see yourself?” she interjected. “If you have your own respect, then why do you look so miserable? Is this the best your honor can manage? Do you honestly think it is going to get better if you just leave things the way they are? Or do you plan to spend the rest of your life apart of your fellow squires, and eventually your fellow knights?”

“Well, I, I mean, I am planning to return to Earth so…”

“So? A year alone, then? In the Wash, like Old Goat over here?” she motioned to Lavabo. “You don’t seem the type.”

Marco looked at his mentor, who seemed to shuffle nervously.

“Look, Lavabo is an excellent knight, one of the best, there is no doubt about that,” she added, solemnly. “But he has a reputation for not working well with others. No one really trusts Lavabo, because he never made an attempt to make himself known, and he has never trusted anyone in return. Even during his days as a squire, and then as a young knight, he was always that weird guy who spent all his time in the Wash. Back then, I tried to get him to come out of his shell, but he always chose the Wash over anyone else, and he always will. It… took me awhile to come to that conclusion…”

Marco’s jaw literally dropped as he put two and two together. Old _friends_ indeed! It was so obvious when you thought about it. This stern old lady had to have been Lavabo’s ex-girlfriend!

“Marco Diaz,” his own knight interjected. “I do not regret the path my life took…”

“Of course you don’t,” grumbled Jaya with a sigh and a bitter laugh.

“... but I cannot in good conscience suggest it to you,” Lavabo continued. “It is possible to balance the exigencies of duty with a healthy relationship with your peers. Lady Jaya here is an excellent example!” 

“A _passable_ example,” she corrected him. “At any rate, squire: there is dedication to your work, and then there is using that dedication as an excuse to avoid everything else. Like it or not, those children who now shun you are your comrades for the foreseeable future. There will be times of crisis outside the Wash that require all of you to work together. Your very duty to the kingdom may one day depend on being able to trust them with your life… would your honor allow you to fail then because you couldn’t face them now as children?”

“Ok, fine,” admitted Marco. “But what should I do? They hate me, remember? I don’t think fighting back is going to make them like me, trust me, or even respect me. How can I ever change _that_?”

“That’s up to you to figure out,” she replied with a shrug. “I am certainly not advising you to run headfirst into a fight. A violent temper gets you no more respect than a timid one. But so long as we agree there is something worth changing, then I can safely say it is not something you’ll get done from inside here. Do I make myself sufficiently clear, squire?”

Marco smiled, and for a moment the older woman was smiling back at him. “Yes, ma’am!”

As he hurried out of the tent, she added, “I do have a suggestion, Marco, and that’s to _show_ them a person worth respecting.”

\----

As soon as Marco left the tent, his eyes were immediately assaulted by Quest Buy’s bizarre lighting structure. The impossibly high ceiling seemed to reflect back down beams of green and yellow light projected upwards from innumerable unseen sources hidden inside the literal labyrinth of stonewall shelves. This same light filtered back down through layered clouds of smoke rising up from a few dozen bonfires. Tightly clumped around the flames, was the encampment of squires and knights waiting for the midnight sale to start.

The fog-filtered unnatural light made the sea of multicolored tents look positively phantasmal. A look that wasn’t at all helped by the rows of medieval weaponry stocked into nearby shelves, or by the crackling static of a barely functional PA system. 

Every so often, the pervading electrical noise was cut by one of Quest Buy’s sloths reminding them all, in an utterly bored monotone, that any knight or squire caught outside the starting area before the sale started would be “forcibly ejected from the premises”. Which didn’t sound that bad, except for the pre-recorded message which followed:

“Quest Buy would like to remind you that as the sole owner of the whole surrounding intra-dimensional real estate, ejection from the premises might result in retroactive existential failure for those affected. Quest Buy, its employees, and its subsidiaries are in no way responsible for any damages or inconvenience this might cause.”

God, he hated Quest Buy so much!

It took Marco a while to adjust to the fog and the weird lightning, and when he finally did, he found himself staring directly at a surreal scene: two mewmans, their backs turned towards the human boy, seemed to be facing off against some sort of demon.

The creature’s face was all white bone, a goat skull surrounded by shivering red flames. It was somehow joined by a thick neck to a large gargoyle-like body, which seemed to still have its flesh and crimson red fuzzy skin fully attached. On the back of the broad inhuman torso, were a pair of bat-like wings, probably about equivalent in their outstretched span to Marco’s own arms. Right now, however, they clung tightly to the rest of the creature’s body.

Marco would have run to help his fellow squires against the creature, had he not noticed the look in the fiend’s face. The demon had no eyes per se, but rather two tiny yellow flames floating in the middle of two empty eye sockets. Yet those strange fire pupils, flickering weakly inside empty dark holes, somehow managed to look pleading, rather than menacing. It’s whole body language also gave the impression that it was trying, quite futilely, to make itself small and invisible. 

Marco remembered then that he had seen the demon before. It had been among the squires and knights back in Mewni, listening to Manfred’s instructions. It was a hard image to forget, actually, even if he had been immediately distracted from it by Sir Stabby’s appearance. 

He also noticed that the monster was wearing the standard linen pseudo-uniform he had seen in more than half the assembled squires before. As were the two other guys standing in front of him, with their backs facing Marco.

“So, do you, like, eat babies and stuff?” asked the tallest of the two in a deep dull voice. He was the huge squire that had been assisting Lady Whosits before, the one with the baby face and the body of a gorilla. “O.G., do you think she eats babies?”

“I don’t know, Baby Man,” replied the huge squire’s companion. He was this tiny old guy, who stroked his long white beard as he spoke. “Maybe you should be careful,” he added, sarcastically.

“Ha ha. I don’t think so,” commented the first one. “I am not an actual baby. Remember? They call me that ‘cause me face.”

“Yes, I am aware,” the smaller squire said dryly. “So, demon, _do_ you eat babies?”

“N...no, of course not…” the demon struggled to respond in a surprisingly soft, very clearly feminine, voice. “I mean, some demons do, I guess. But not most of us. It’s not a common trait. And well, me… I am…” she whispered the last word to where Marco, further away from the group, couldn’t quite make it out.

“Ugh. Buh...gan? What’s that?” asked the large squire.

“It means she doesn’t eat meat,” explained the old guy. 

“But, O.G., babies are meat, and demons are like… like monsters, no? I thought monsters ate babies!” the other protested, clearly exhausting his full faculties of deduction in one go.

“Yes, I have heard the same,” admitted his companion. “So… uh… Tamara, was it? Are you a monster?”

“My name is Timore…” she pointed out, still clearly uncomfortable with the attention, and with the question. “And… well… mmm… the other thing… it’s kind of a complicated question… so…”

“Because, Tamara,” said the old guy, clearly not paying attention to her protests. “I don’t think monsters can be squires of Mewni. Monsters are monsters. They don’t belong in the kingdom. They are evil, dumb, stinking brutes… no offense, Baby Man.”

“Uh?” exclaimed the alluded squire. The fact that the apology was the insult clearly flew well over his head.

“Then I am not a monster!” exclaimed Timore. Then, timidly, she added “... I mean, I _am_ a squire, or… um… an exchange squire… you know?”

“Hey, O.G., I heard demons are tougher than mewmans!” pointed out the bigger squire, who had apparently grown bored with the existing line of inquiry. 

“I wouldn’t doubt it, with such a _bulky_ body like that,” remarked the old guy, making a face like he was smelling something bad. “So, are you?”

“I… uh… I’m not sure…” replied Timore, evasively.

“I suggest we test it, then,” he replied, coldly. “Baby Man?” .

“Yeah, let’s try it out!” exclaimed his larger companion, gleefully pulling a huge iron mace from a nearby shelf.

Timore’s flame-eyes crackled in horror, as her whole body flinched away from the other two. “I… um… ah…”

“Come on, it probably won’t even hurt that much for you, right?” pointed out the older squire.

“Ah… mmm… m-maybe… but, still… I...” she managed to stammer out.

“I am not hearing a _‘no’_. Baby Man...”

“... STOP!” shouted Marco, jumping between the demon girl and the two mewmans, arms raised at the ready, poised for combat. “What the hell is wrong with you guys!?”

“Uh...”

“Eh, what’s it to you?” asked the more eloquent of the two, without waiting for his friend to expand his shocked grunt into a full sentence. “Hey, wait a moment, aren’t you the kid who tripped all over the place trying to do Higgs’ work? The guy who only got a squire job because his ex is the princess or something?”

Marco blushed. He considered pointing out once more that Star was not his ex. But, well, that wasn’t the point. “At least I am not the one trying to beat up my fellow squires!”

“She’s not mewman, doesn’t count,” protested the older squire. “Besides, she is a _demon_ , it’s not like she is actually going to get hurt from it.”

Marco had to admit that might not be a completely invalid point. The first time he had met Tom, he had cut off his hand with a karate chop, and the demon prince had simply attached it right back.

“We are just having fun,” the smaller squire continued.

 _That_ , however, was utter bullcrap. “Doesn’t look to me like she is having fun. So, well… I suggest you two go have fun on your own, elsewhere.”

The old guy raised an eyebrow, and his companion seemed to stare down at his mace, thinking. Marco put his fiercest face forward and tensed for battle. He had fought Toffee, and the Lint Catcher Monster. He had led a princess revolution, and spent sixteen years hunting down Hekapoo. If this pair of bullies thought they could intimidate him, they had a big surprise coming.

“Whatever,” the old guy shrugged. “We’ll go. See you at the blowout. But, fair warning, you are not making any friends by doing this… _prince_.”

Well, Marco had to disagree with that one. After making sure those two were indeed walking away, he turned back towards Timore and extended out a hand.

“Hi, my name is Marco, I am Lavabo’s squire, are you ok?”

“I… um… yeah, I am.” She hesitated, then responded to the gesture by wrapping a huge red hand around his. “My name is Timore. You… you do know I am a demon, right?”

“Um, yeah, that’s kind of obvious. So?” Marco shrugged.

“Well, I think most people tend to react to me… ah…” 

“Like those two?” he asked.

“... at best.” she admitted, sullenly.

“Well,” Marco rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably. “Honestly, the first time I met a demon I overreacted too. Now we are good friends… I think.” He realized something then. “Actually, I thought mewmans were more used to demons than that. I mean, it seems like Tom is able to walk around Butterfly castle without much trouble.”

“Tom?” she asked surprised. “You know Prince Thomas Lucitor!?”

“... yeah.” Marco said slowly. Boy, he wasn’t helping his case about being here because of the people he knew. Was he?

“You’re friends with Prince Thomas. I’m sorry, but… that’s so warm! The warmest thing I have ever heard!” Timore said excitedly. The flames around her skull were now roaring to reflect her enthusiasm. 

“Uh, yeah. We haven’t hung out in awhile, but now that I’m in Mewni hopefully that will change soon.” Marco tried thinking of a way to change the subject. “So… Timore, was it? I didn't know there were other exchange squires besides me. I sort of assumed I created the concept just last week.”

“Ah… yes. It is a very common practice, actually. The kingdoms of Mewni show their good will towards each other by offering one of their own to serve somewhere else for an entire year... so that we can all work together and learn each other’s culture...”

“That’s pretty neat actually.” Marco said. In a way, he had already participated in this by showing Nick his smartphone.

“...This year is a bit different though…” Timore said, in a more quiet tone. “It seems we are the only squires to come from other kingdoms this time. I have yet to see a single Johansen, waterfolk, or spider-bite among our ranks.”

Huh, that did seem strange. River did mention how Star and her mother were traveling to other kingdoms to literally beg for help in fixing Mewni. Perhaps the yearly squire in addition to all that support would be asking too much?

“To be honest… and… not that I don't appreciate the opportunity to represent my domain, but…” The demon hesitated. “I don't really compare to the fiends they have sent the years before… don't tell anyone, but I’m actually, well...” her voice dropped to a whisper “...very timid.”

“Um… your secret is safe with me,” Marco said, half sarcastically. Then, he thought of something, “Wait, if the squire exchanges are a common tradition, then how come those guys were being such jerks to you?”

“Well, you see, um, exchanges involve at most one or two squires from each kingdom to each other in any given year, and don’t happen _every_ year between every two kingdoms. Chances are, your knights...” she stopped herself. She glanced at Marco, unsure for a moment. “Sorry, I… you are not mewman either, right? Chances are, mewman knights have interacted with demons before, but not so their squires… Also, full disclosure, I think it's fair to say we don’t always treat their exchange squires all that great down there either…”

Marco nodded. “Regardless, I hope those two didn’t give you a bad first impression. There are some nice people here too. You just… have to look for them.”

“It’s not a big deal, really…” Timore said. “My father warned me that I would have trouble fitting in here, but the potential for conflict would do me good. He’s hoping I become more… ruthless by the end of this. He said if I don’t have at least a hundred kills by next year, I’ll be dead to him…”

Marco’s eyes widened. “Holy crap! That’s a little intense, don’t you think?”

“Well… I’m already well over one hundred, so I think I’ll be fine.” Timore said with a tinge of pride. “Oh! Speaking of which, you have a little dirt on you. Allow me.”

“Wait. What?” How exactly did those statements transition into one another?

Without warning, Timore put her hand inside her front pocket and pulled out a white cloth. She grabbed Marco by the arm with freakish demon strength and began rubbing it on his face.

Conditioned by TV and movies since a young age, Marco instinctively held his breath, assuming the worst. The wetness of the cloth didn’t help his imagination either. After a few seconds, though, he realized that the familiar sensation was not from a fabric laced with chloroform, but just a simple disinfectant wipe. 

“There...” Timore said, letting go of Marco’s arm and placing the wipe back in her pocket.. “They say that these kill 99.9% of germs… Such frightening accuracy, wouldn’t you agree?”

The glowing ember inside the left socket of her fiery goat-like skull seemed to flicker. It took Marco about a second to realize that she was winking at him. 

_‘Kill’_...

Marco snorted. Did she really think her father would accept such a technicality? 

Before Marco could point out the flaws in Timore’s logic, the static of the PA system began filling the huge mall, followed by the depressed sighs of a sloth.

“Attention Quest Buy shoppers. The Squire Blowout Sale is about to begin. All squires must meet their knight and head towards the starting line, or whatever. You have ten minutes.”

“Oh dear. I forgot that Quest Buy is on a different time zone than Mewni. It’s already close to midnight here. We better get going...” Timore said.

Marco checked his phone, which read 2:48 p.m. The knights and squires had been here for only a few hours, so in Mewni the sun was still shining. While Marco felt a little dumb for not thinking about the differences in time, in his defense, the lack of windows in Quest Buy made it hard to tell what time it was, assuming ‘outside’ was even a concept in this dimension. 

“I’ll meet you by the starting line…” Timore said. “I wish you luck, Marco.”

Oh crap, he almost forgot! “Wait, Timore! I need to ask you a favor.”

Timore stopped walking and turned towards him. “A favor?”

Marco shuffled nervously. “Listen, that stuff about Tom and I being friends. Do you think you can keep that stuff to yourself?”

Timore’s expression changed to a look of disappointment. It was a little hard to tell with her face being a skull and all, but the subtle movements of her floating pupils told Marco everything. “Is it… because of Prince Thomas being a demon?”

“What!? No, that’s not it.” Marco didn’t want to give her the wrong idea. “It’s just, everyone thinks I’m here just because I was lucky enough to be friends with royalty. If they find out I’m also friends with Tom, in addition to Star, that’ll just make their opinion of me worse.”

“I… see…” Timore said, choosing her next words carefully. “Are you really so ashamed to be associated with them that you’d hide your friendship…?”

“It’s not like that. I’m not ashamed. I’m, well, I’m just trying to make things less difficult for me here,” Marco said.

“Being a demon in the Butterfly Kingdom is difficult...” Timore said. “But… I don’t try to deny that part of myself. The Underworld is my home, and I’m here to represent it to the best of my abilities.”

Well, that wasn’t fair, there was really nothing Marco could reasonably answer after that and not sound like a friend-denying coward. Was there?.

“I understand where you are coming from…” she continued, “but you shouldn't view your friendship that way. Instead of thinking of it as an undeserved advantage over others, you should think of it as a badge of honor.”

A badge of honor? How? It wasn’t like being friends with Star and Tom was something he had somehow earned, it had, well, it had just sort of happened.

“Think about it. Prince Tom and Princess Star could be friends with anyone. Literally everyone in Mewni would want to be close friends with royalty… well, almost everyone.” Something in the way Timore said that part, made Marco think she had heard Higgs’ speech from earlier. “But they chose to be friends with you, right? Don’t you think they have a reason…? I… I mean, I think I’ve seen at least one possible reason just now, actually, back there, when you stood up for me...”

“Well, Star sort of got assigned to me and my family, back when she did her own exchange stay on Earth,” Marco admitted.

“That doesn’t force her to like you as a friend, Marco, that was still her decision…” she pointed out.

Of course, she was right, Star and Marco weren’t besties because she had happened to live with him for a year. Sure, that’s what led to the two of them interacting in the beginning, but it’s what happened after that that made them go from forced housemates to besties. It was fighting Ludo’s monsters together, and helping each other, and going on adventures. It was discovering all the things he admired in Star and, he… hoped, all the good qualities she, as his _best_ friend, saw in him. 

“Also, tell me, did Prince Tom also get _‘assigned’_ to you?” Timore pressed on. “How did you two meet?”

“Um, I got between him and Star and... cut off his hand,” Marco finished in a self-conscious whisper.

Timore looked at him incredulously. “You became friends after _that_?”

“Oh, no. Honestly, we hated each other for months. He tried to kill me, twice!” In retrospect, it was almost funny to think about it. Marco smiled. “Eventually, though, we found out that we like the same teen pop band, and became good friends soon after.”

“Uh… that’s... good…” the demon girl struggled to match Marco’s story to the point she was trying to make.

Marco chuckled.

“No, you’re right, though. Star and Tom didn’t become my friends because they had to or because I was some big deal back on Earth. And, well, I wasn’t trying to become friends with them because they were royalty. Despite what everyone is saying, I was never aiming to be a prince. I’m just… Marco Diaz. And I know Star and Tom _are_ a big deal but, to me, they’re just my friends. I don’t know if there truly is anything in particular about me that makes me _‘deserving’_ of their friendship, or anything like that,” Marco shrugged. “But they _are_ my best friends, and I am not going to go around denying that fact.”

“Glad to hear, Marco,” Timore cheered, “and I… and I… and I also won’t be ashamed of calling you my friend!”

Marco blinked at her, confused. Wait, was it shameful for her to have _him_ as a friend? Was his situation with the other squires really so bad that…

His thoughts were interrupted when he noticed a crackling sound coming from the mane of flames around Timore’s skull. It took the boy a few seconds to realize it was a suppressed chuckle.

“Timore, you are pretty cool, you know?” he noted.

“W… what!? Why? Did I do something wrong?” she asked, shocked.

“Oh, ah, sorry, I guess I meant you are pretty warm,” Marco corrected himself.

Timore’s eyes flickered in recognition of the small cultural misunderstanding. She begun to say something, but then immediately shut up. Her eye-flames seemed to glance towards something behind Marco himself.

He turned around, and saw a tall dark-haired knight with a short thin pointed black beard. He was dressed in full gray armor, helmet in hand, and stomping furiously towards them. He glared angrily at Timore.

“There you are, squire,” he spat. “The blowout is about to start. We and that idiot you are chatting with are the only ones not yet at the starting line. Am I the only one who sees a problem with that?”

“N… No, Sir Thorncloak,” Timore replied, standing to attention.

“Good. Now, you don’t want me to regret having agreed to take in the Underworld’s exchange squire, do you?” 

Without waiting for a reply, and without addressing Marco, the knight turned around and begun hurriedly walking back the way he came.

“N… No, Sir Thorncloak,” Timore replied, to the empty air, before deciding to start jogging after the tall thin man. “Sorry, Marco...“

The Squire of the Wash stood there surprised for about a single second, before he remembered that his own knight was probably waiting for him as well. 

He ran after the two of them, soon finding himself viewing a really strange scene: a row of shopping carts, each with a huge toy wooden wheeled horse in front. Atop the horses were each of the knights, including Lavabo, all the way on the far end. Behind the carts, were their corresponding squires, ready to push cart, horse, and knight, one and all, at a moment’s notice. All of them in their marks and ready, except for Marco himself.

There was a short beep and a dull bored voice filled the huge room through the PA system. “Attention, Quest Buy shoppers, the ten thousandth annual Squire Blowout is starting in… now minutes”

What? Oh, crap!

Marco raced towards Lavabo’s cart and gripped the handles just as every other cart began speeding off away from them.

“Ah, Marco Diaz, just in time, after all,” Lavabo nodded at him.

“Sorry, Sir,” he apologized, as he pushed with all his might. “Didn’t mean to be late.”

“And you weren’t. Nor were you early. You were, indeed, just in time,” the old knight remarked. “Did you manage to make some friends after all?”

“Look, Sir Lavabo, I don’t see how now is the time to talk about something like that…”

Marco pushed, and something gave out. The entire cart seemed to jerk and shudder, and there was a horrible scratching sound. The human boy stopped and looked at the floor. Two wooden wheels had fell off of the toy horse in front of the shopping cart, and now the wooden stumps were dragging against the floor, the friction causing the cart to slow down dramatically and shake uncontrollably.

The human looked up to see a grinning old guy, one of the two squires who had been tormenting Timore before, holding up a wrench triumphantly, proud of his sabotage. He raced ahead of Marco and Lavabo, pushing his surprisingly handsome knight. Besides him, the huge baby-faced squire laughed raucously as he effortlessly pushed Lady Whosits and her cart. Marco could also see Higgs, grinning victoriously at him, even as she and Stabby raced past her two compatriots, leaving him far behind.

Then, Marco saw that another of the carts had stopped ahead of him but behind the others. It was Jaya’s and Nicholas’ cart. The blond boy looked back at him, winked, and threw two small wooden cubes in Marco’s general direction. Without further delay, he then resumed pushing his own knight ahead. 

Marco looked down at the cubes, and suddenly he understood.

He raced around the cart, collecting the two fallen wheels and Nick’s two boxes. One by one, he pushed the wheels between the horse’s legs and the self-screwing portable mechanism, and released the automatic latch. Within thirty seconds, his ride was ready to go again. Thanks to Nick’s special screws, they were still in the race!

“So, Marco Diaz,” Lavabo repeated. “Did you manage to make some friends after all?”

“Yes, I did, Sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are still alive, and still writing (slowly)! Hope you all liked the new faces and Marco not actually getting screwed (ha!) for a change. 
> 
> Next up: The end to the Squire Bash arc! Marco vs Higgs. Place your bets now!
> 
>  **Edit** : Quick heads up, I won't be writing at all for ~1 month, due to reasons I don't want to get into here. It's nothing bad, but it will consume a lot of my time until mid-late September. Also, this is entirely my fault, not Grade's. But, since we want to work together on every chapter, this means that Chapter 9, although 80% complete, almost certainly won't be ready to upload before late September at the earliest. Sorry everyone. This is not permanent, and neither this, nor my other fic (IStASE), have been abandoned. Just, unfortunately, any progress on either will be delayed one full extra month. - APW


	9. Racing up to the Challenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which precious items are obtained, dragons are fought, and Marco faces up against a relentless rival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After somewhat of a long hiatus for this fic, we are finally back! 
> 
> Fair warning, however: For better or worse, this is the longest chapter to date by a significant amount! 
> 
> We hope you enjoy it.

Marco pushed the cart forward as fast as he could. Thanks to Nicholas’ intervention, he wasn’t too far behind of the others. The wheels rolled smoothly beneath him, making it easy to move the weight of Lavabo and the still empty cart. Soon, he was as far from the second to last squire, as he himself was from the first place.

Said first place, unfortunately, was Higgs. 

Of all the squires, she was perhaps the one Marco least wanted to see in the lead.

His second least favorite pick, fortunately, was just right ahead of him: the huge squire seemingly nicknamed Baby Man. The towering brute could likely put more raw power behind pushing his cart than most others, negating the disadvantage of having to haul his equally imposing lady knight. Perhaps, as their carts grew fuller and the load heavier, his brawn would become a significant asset later in the race. However, for now, despite his raw strength, he simply wasn’t as fast of a runner as the others. 

Within moments, Marco was side by side with the baby-faced giant.

“Ah, Lady Whosits, greetings!” spoke Lavabo cheerfully, as his wooden horse drew closer to the knight leading Baby Man’s cart.

“Oh, hey, Sir Lavabo, how goes stuff down in the Wash?” she asked.

The old knight got no chance to reply, as, that very moment, Baby Man slammed his cart on Marco’s, pushing the squire of the Wash and his knight against the closest shelf.

The shelf in question seemed to consist of rows upon rows of halberds on display, with the business end facing towards the front. Marco managed to react only in the last second, regaining control of the shopping cart right before either the metal basket, or his own flesh, got caught up by the sharp axe blades or piercing spear points of the weapons. Clearly, whatever dimension Quest Buy was in, it wasn’t one in which the term ‘Personal Injury Lawsuit’ was known. Ugh! He _really_ hated this place!

“Booya!” cheered Lady Whosits excitedly. “Bite our dust laundrymen!… No offense, Sir Lavabo!”

“None taken,” the old man replied goodnaturedly.

Marco begged to differ.

He turned his anger at the brute of a squire into resolve and pushed himself and Lavabo forward again, once more gaining on the other two. Soon they were back to being side to side. The bigger squire tried once more to ram their cart with his own. But Marco, expecting that same trick, made sure to leave enough of a buffer between them. Thus, he was able to react in time, avoiding the impact and using the opportunity to get ahead of them for once.

With Baby Man in hot pursuit, Marco raced towards the first real milestone of the competition, the chestplate shelves of aisle 8.9. The other squires were all already taking off from there, with Timore and Old Guy picking up their own pieces of armor and dropping them into their respective carts just ahead of him and Lavabo. Fortunately for Marco, there was still one chestplate left.

He stopped the cart for only a second, and reached to grab it, quickly turning to put it inside his own cart before the larger squire could catch up. 

However, as soon as Marco turned around, he found himself face to face with Baby Man’s nastiest smile to date. He barely registered the huge ball of iron descending towards his own skull, as the other squire swung his mace towards him.

The mace hit flesh and bounced back, vibrating wildly, as if it had impacted against a huge steel shield. This was because the flesh it hit, thankfully, wasn’t Marco’s, but the side of a broad muscular fur-covered red arm.

“Hey Marco,” spoke Timore, a happy glint in her eye-embers. “Guess we are even now, right? Sorta?”

She had stopped Baby Man’s mace with her lower arm, and the attacking squire had literally been thrown back into the ground from the impact. Marco’s assailant now sat sprawled on the floor, unharmed, but looking confused at the meek demon who had bested him without even trying. The weapon lay uselessly on the blue linoleum, too far out of his reach.

Wow. “Even? Um, I think I actually owe _you_ one now,” Marco reasoned. “Since clearly you were not in any trouble before…” After all, she almost certainly could have handled that mace just as well back then.

“N… no, of course I was…” she replied nervously. “I mean, that situation I was trapped in was… _awkward_ “ she whispered.

Marco smiled at that.

“Anyways, gotta go now,” Timore said, glancing at her silent knight. Sir Thorncloak sat on their cart’s wooden horse with crossed arms and a raised eyebrow, clearly disapproving of the unnecessary delay.

“We need some things beside the standard list,” she added, embarrassed, “... you know, um… demon things... so… well… um, good luck out there, Marco!”

She raced back to her cart and took off, in a different direction than the one Higgs, Old Guy, and the rest of the squires ahead of them were taking. Meanwhile, Baby Man had begun to stand up, so Marco took the opportunity to grab Lavabo, the chestplate, and his own cart, and get as much distance between himself and the mace-wielding squire as he possibly could. Behind him, he heard Lady Whosits yelling something at her squire. Marco wasn’t sure if she was berating him about trying to bash the skull of a fellow squire, or about having missed.

“Oh ho! What a fortunate coincidence the other exchange squire got in the way of that attack. Wouldn’t you agree, Marco Diaz?” Lavabo said, jovially remarking on the event as if he hadn’t actually been involved. It had been his attitude since the beginning of the race. Like a spectator commenting from the the safety of bleachers.

“Um… didn’t you hear her? Her saving our asses was very much intentional. Her name is Timore and she’s really nice.”

Lavabo turned around to face his squire. “That demon? You befriended her as well?”

Marco nodded, trying his best to pay attention to his knight while also staying focused on the course they were taking. It kind of sucked that these shopping carts were designed to have most of the squire’s vision obscured by their own knight. Perhaps it was an intentional test, and the squires were supposed to memorize the race route by heart, to where the race could be done without sight, but believing that would be giving the Quest Buy engineers way too much credit.

The laundry knight whispered something to himself. The only part Marco could make out was the word ‘astounding.’

“Sir Lavabo?”

“Listen. Marco Diaz. I want you to forget about the ‘weapons and armor’ list I gave you this morning. For this race, we will be focusing exclusively on the laundry items.”

“What!?” Marco exclaimed. “Why? The race literally just started.” Sure, they may have had a late start, but thanks to Nick and Timore, they recovered pretty quickly. Marco could once again see the other squires ahead of them.

“I understand that. But, keep in mind, our main service to the kingdom is providing fresh clothes to its subjects. This is a duty we alone bear, and thus, we cannot afford to disregard it. Weapons and armor can be purchased anywhere inside the Butterfly Kingdom, but the supplies that are relevant only to the both of us…”

Marco realized what Lavabo was trying to say. Among the countless flyers he had received in Lavabo’s mailbox this past week, none of them advertised places that specialized in laundry supplies. No such places existed in the Butterfly Kingdom. Who would need such things if two random guys in the castle already did your laundry for you?

“Alright, so I’ll prioritize the ‘laundry’ list,” Marco said. “But still, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t go after the other stuff as well. We’ll need them to fight whatever the Wash throws at us, like the Lint Monster.” Not to mention things _outside_ the Wash, like the Elmbeast.

“We will make do with what we have in the Wash,” Lavabo said. “Marco Diaz, you have made tremendous progress today. Despite being insulted and singled-out by your fellow squires, you persevered and made two new friends in no time at all, to the point that they would assist and protect you in this competition without a second thought. Such camaraderie between people who have just met is admirable. In a way, you’ve made more progress today than I have in my entire career as a servant of Mewni.”

While Lavabo didn’t outright say it, Marco knew he was talking about himself and Jaya to some extent.

“With that said, the odds are still stacked against you. Many more squires would rather see you fail and sabotage your chances here. We need to consider that. So please, only focus on the one list, especially since following said list will give you less chances of running into those who antagonize you. When we get back, we’ll see how much we have left in the Wash’s budget and take a trip to the local armory.”

In a way, Marco was flattered. Not only was his knight looking out for him, but he was also acknowledging how difficult today had been for the boy, and was impressed he was able to overcome it.

But, with no offense to Lavabo, making a few friends wouldn't be enough for Marco to consider today a victory. As Timore implied, that sort of stuff came naturally to him. The real challenge had just begun, and Marco wasn’t gonna back down from it so soon.

“I appreciate the concern, Sir Lavabo, and I would hate to put our productivity in the Wash at risk due to my own ambitions,” Marco began. “But, this morning, you gave those two lists to me with the expectation that I had what it takes to get every item on them.”

Lavabo blinked. 

“It’s like you said in our first day together, the Wash is an unrelenting place, and coddling me won't help anyone in the end. The difference in sharpness in our blades could mean the difference between life and death. Even if no one thinks it, the kingdom needs us. Half-assing this race for the sake of my comfort-level would betray our duty to the people.”

And, not only that, but this race was Marco's only chance to prove himself to the other squires. He’d be stuck in the Wash most of the time, but before there was another crisis on the level of Ludo’s invasion, where Marco would have to work with and entrust his life to them, he needed to gain their respect first. 

It was now or never. Marco would get _everything_ on both lists, without fail. He wouldn't let a single item escape his grasp!

Lavabo smiled warmly. “I see. I’m sorry if I insulted you, Marco Diaz. This is the second time I have underestimated you, but I shall not make the same mistake a third time!”

Swelling with pride at his mentor’s praise, the young squire further picked up the pace. While racing towards the remaining squires, his mind started planning the optimal route that would let them complete both lists. 

First, they needed a young foal and, after that, some shoe glue. The aisles for those two were right next to each other and, Quest Buy being Quest Buy, Marco wasn’t sure he wanted to know why exactly that was the case. After the glue, there were: leather polish, three kinds of magical detergent, a bow and arrow, a bucket of holding, and then, dragon repellent, followed by a dozen more Wash items, plus a few more weapons and wilderness supplies.

He arrived at the racks of tiny horses just after Nick and Old Guy. The goth girl with the iron mandolin, whom Marco had briefly seen back before they all portaled into Quest Buy, was already racing ahead, carrying a black foal in the basket of her shopping cart. Higgs was nowhere in sight, presumably further ahead from the pack.

Fortunately for Marco, there were still plenty of horses to pick from, and he was able to grab what he considered to be a promising baby colt. It was chestnut coated, and looked at the boy with mild apprehension, but nonetheless it stood still and let itself be deposited inside the squire’s cart without issue.

After that, it was time for a short detour, as Marco dived into an aisle to the left of the main path, hoping that he would still be able to catch up to the other squires. He grabbed the glue without ever slowing down. The leather polish was equally easy to acquire.

The first bottle of detergent, however, was also the first challenge. It was a bright golden powder labeled _‘Phoenix Soap Flakes’_ , and was inconveniently placed atop a set of shelves that was a full four times taller than Marco. Not letting that stop him, the boy grabbed a normal detergent pack from the bottommost row and threw it at the hard-to-reach item. 

Five golden boxes of _‘Phoenix Soap Flakes’_ tumbled down. Marco picked them up as fast as he could, shoving them into the shopping cart, before racing out of that aisle and into the next. Without breaking his stride, he read the blurb under the product’s name: _‘Burns through the stains. Leaves your clothes brand new.’_

“Ah, yes, it’s all true,” Lavabo commented cheerfully. “Of course, it burns the fabric too, but it all gets magically rebuilt before the start of the rinse cycle. Brand new indeed!”

The laundry detergent area of Quest Buy encompassed a few dozens of mile-long aisles, arranged in such a convoluted pattern that Marco would not have been at all surprised to find a minotaur trapped near the center. Fortunately, he really had been studying the store map and both lists, back in Jaya’s tent, not simply pretending to do so for the sake of avoiding conversation. Although, well, he had to admit that had certainly been part of the motivation. ‘An anti-social squire is an oriented squire’, he mentally quipped. 

Soon enough, they doubled around another corner, and Marco was able to get ahold of the second magical detergent, a shimmering multi-color liquid called _‘Beholder’s Cleansing Tears: Ten-in-One Multipurpose Detergent’_. All things considered, they were making excellent time, and should still have a fair chance to catch up to the others, Marco thought.

The last magical detergent was at the end of its corresponding aisle, which also happened to exit out of the ‘detergent maze’ and into the store’s main path for this section. _‘Merlin’s and Melvin’s Bubbling Pods: Removes Soil, Slime, and Sorcery,’_ the bright purple package announced. All Marco had to do was to grab it on the way out, and then rejoin the squire race.

The boy reached out for a bag, when he heard a sharp whistling sound. Instinctively, he stopped on his tracks, and withdrew his hand, just in time to see the arrow hit the package he was just about to grab. Marco looked up, to see a grinning Old Guy, just around the corner, pointing a now-empty bow towards him. His knight, Sir Dashing, seemed to not have noticed the act, distracted as he was by a shelf full of hand-held mirrors.

“What the hell was that for!?” Marco protested.

“Well, partly payback for getting in the way back there with that demon.” The elderly squire shrugged. Then, he seemed to ponder for a second or two, stroking his long beard slowly with his now free hand, even as he held the grip of the bow with the other. “But, mostly, it was a distraction.”

“A dis…” Marco begun to ask. 

Then his brain caught up with what had been said, and he turned to look back at his cart. There was something missing. He spotted a weird upwards movement from the corner of his eye, glanced up to follow it, and…

Artax Ed Diaz, as the boy had tentatively named the brown baby horse, was slowly floating away from the basket of their shopping cart and into the sky.

No, not floating, it was _dangling_ , from a surprisingly strong string that ended in a single huge juicy carrot. And it wasn’t going towards the sky, but towards Higgs, who was standing atop the detergent shelf and quickly reeling in the fishing line back. Soon, the mewman girl was cradling Marco’s horse in her arms.

“Thanks for getting this for me, _prince_. I knew I could count on you for that, so I went ahead and raced to get the best bow first,” she explained. “It’s just like I said, a _helpful_ squire is the best squire.”

Still carrying the baby horse in her arms, Higgs leapt across the aisle Marco was in, landing on the next shelf and, from there, she jumped down the far end. A second later, a smirking Sir Stabby and a cart full of weapons and armor emerged from the next aisle, into the cross-path, joining Old Guy and Sir Dashing, as all four of them raced forward once more, leaving behind a dumbfounded Marco. 

“Marco Diaz,” remarked Lavabo, “I do not believe the young lady’s praise to have been sincere.”

Marco sighed. He grabbed a few bags of _‘Merlin’s and Melvin’s’_ , and then raced after the damn thief of a squire.

He passed by the archery sets’ aisle, only to realize someone had cut the string from all remaining bows. Marco groaned and pushed forward. He was now not only dead set on recovering Artax Ed Diaz, but also on beating Higgs to the stupid dragon repellent, and to everything else after that on the list.

He barely remembered to take the single-aisle detour that it took to get the Bucket of Holding: a simple wooden washbucket which could apparently hold hundreds of gallons of water in a single gallon’s space (without increasing its weight at all after the first gallon either). He still got it first, though. After all, the wash items took priority. 

Not that it made it hurt any less when he arrived to the dragon repellent shelves to find a smiling Higgs, leaning on an _empty_ shelf, holding a single spray can. 

It seemed like everyone else had gotten there just before the squire. Timore and Nick were already racing back in the opposite direction, and they passed Marco on the way back, followed by Old Guy and Baby Man. For a brief moment, the human boy considered trying to steal the spray cans the later two were holding, as they raced by him. But no, he wouldn’t sink to their level. He let them pass.

Besides the redheaded menace, was the goth girl, already having added a few cans of repellent to her own cart. She was trying to explain something to her knight, a huge scar-covered terror of a man, who held out some sort of hearing aid towards her. As Marco arrived, the two of them began turning their cart around.

“Hey, _prince_ , you want this?” Higgs shouted at him, still standing by the shelves. Apparently, she had stayed behind just to taunt him. From his wooden horse, Sir Stabby grinned approvingly. “Here, you can have it!” 

She threw the can at him.

Yeah, right. No way this wasn’t a trick. At this point, Marco was not even half convinced Higgs wasn’t throwing a grenade his way. He had to think fast. 

He dug into his pocket, took out the dimensional scissors, and cut a hole right in front of him. The can of dragon repellent fell through the vortex. A second portal opened a few meters ahead of him, between where he was standing and Higgs. That way the can would still fall close enough to him that he could grab it before she could, but far enough to be safe in case it really was a bomb or something.

“What? Seriously? Dimensional Scissors? Come on!” shouted Higgs, annoyed. Marco grinned at her frustration, happy to be getting one up on her for a change, until he realized his own mistake. 

Unfortunately, he hadn’t been paying attention to the third squire. The can fell right in front of the goth girl and her knight, as they raced back out of the aisle, towards Marco’s incoming path. The shaken container seemed to rupture as soon as it hit the ground. Fortunately, it didn’t really explode, just cracked, letting out a hissing stream of bright pink gas. So, not a bomb.

The dark-haired girl froze up surprised, glancing apprehensively at the fractured can. It was the first time Marco had a chance to get a good look at her. 

She was thin and pale, and her face was measuredly gaunt. Marco couldn’t quite tell if the dark circles under her eyes were some kind of mewnian makeup, the natural effect of an extremely irregular sleep schedule, or a combination of both. He could, however, tell that her squire uniform had been dyed black, possibly with actual charcoal, and ripped up on purpose. The effect was not entirely unlike that of the rips Star had made on her own outfit that one time she tried to go for a punk look (and also attempted to murder a mermaid, but that was beside the point). The goth squire's outfit was further enhanced by a series of black leather belts strewn at odd angles around her legs, arms, and torso, as well as a pair of rough looking leather boots. In her cart, besides her would-be purchases, was the strange iron mandolin.

She coughed a few times under the assault of the pink smoke and glanced back nervously at the other girl, as if asking her what to do now.

Higgs flinched, “Ouch. Crap. Sorry about that Meredith, Sir Scarsguard!” she shouted towards the goth and her mentor, right before grabbing ahold of her own cart and tailing it out of there.

Marco noticed that Higgs was racing away in the opposite direction from him, avoiding the area where the repellent can had burst, rather than going back the same way, like all other squires had done. He also noticed that the goth girl - Meredith, was what Higgs had called her - looked shocked, even afraid.

He had such a bad feeling about this...

That’s when he heard the roars, and the flapping of huge wings. Out from high above the tall shelves, a trio of towering green dragons came barreling in from nowhere, swooping down on a terrified dark haired pale girl and a confused old knight. The girl scrambled to find a small knife from her cart and held it up with trembling hands.

There was a crackle of static, and then yet another bored sloth announcement filled the air. “Apparently, we've got dragons on aisle 14.2... again.” 

Wait, _‘again’_? Was this somehow a regular occurrence? What the hell was wrong with this place!? Actually, no, it was more like: what the hell _wasn’t_?

Without thinking, Marco raced towards the other squire and her knight, pushing Sir Lavabo and his own cart ahead of him. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but he felt he had somehow dragged them into this, and was not about to let them get hurt. Still, holy crap, dragons!

Marco got there just ahead of the creatures. He swept down and grabbed the can of repellant from the floor. Then, without letting go of his own, he took hold of the handle of Meredith’s cart, and pushed it as hard as he could. It wasn’t so much that he thought he could drag both carts forward, as it was the quickest way he could think of to spur the goth girl herself into action. It was the universal non-verbal cue for ‘Let’s get the fuck out of here, now!’. 

She nodded in understanding, and soon both of them were running, side by side, pushing their respective carts and knights. A fierce roar filled the air as three dragons, each the size of a small flying house, gave chase.

“Woah, what’s going on!?” Marco asked, not daring to slow down to look back. “Those dragons sure sound angry…”

“That’s not _‘angry’_...” the goth girl shouted back. Her voice was a bit rough, particularly in contrast with what Marco had expected from her small frame, and it had a hesitant note of embarrassment to it.

“What do you mean that’s not angry?” Marco asked. “They're still following us! That repellent must really make them mad!”

“That’s not repellent! Higgs switched the labels. That was dragon _attractant_!”

Marco blinked. Dragon _attractant_? Who the hell would want dragon attractant? What the hell even was ‘dragon attractant’? Well, other than obviously the _opposite_ of dragon repellent? Why did Quest Buy even sell that? Seriously, screw this place!

Wait, dragon _attractant_ , as in... 

“Then, that roar at the end was…” he started to ask.

“... a mating call!” the goth girl confirmed, clearly irritated at having to spell it out for him.

Crap!

“Wait, how do you know about the labels?” Marco asked, as they both doubled a corner, the dragons behind them stumbling briefly against a shelf full of cannon balls.

A thunderous cacophony of crashing metal weights against the floor muffled her response.

“What!?” Marco asked again.

“I said: Higgs told us the plan. Well, most of us, not the demon or the geek, though,” Meredith confirmed his suspicions. Marco frowned. Well, glad to know he hadn’t gotten an innocent bystander involved, just another jerkass squire like Higgs or Old Guy. “It sounded like a great prank at the time, and, you gotta admit, dragons are pretty rad.” 

Marco wasn’t sure he could agree with that statement at the moment.

“Look, obviously it isn’t _nearly_ as funny when you are on the receiving end,” she pointed out. “But don’t worry. Nothing really bad will happen to us, I swear, or my name is not Morticia-Gehenna-Lethia-Symphonia!”

“I thought your name was _Meredith_!”

There were a few moments of silence after that, eventually interrupted by a growl and the sound of talons scratching the stone floor not too far behind them.

“Look, _prin_ … ugh, _Marco_. Dragons have senses other than smell. They will give up on the, um, mating part, as soon as they figure out we are mewman,” she reassured him.

“And then?” Marco asked, annoyed. “Will they just calmly go away?”

“Well, maybe,” Meredith answered. She seemed to think for a moment. “There is a small chance they will try to eat us. Depends on how hungry they are...” 

Marco groaned. “Sir Lavabo, we don’t have much time. Throw something from the cart at them so there’s more distance between us!”

Lavabo turned towards Marco in surprise. “I’m afraid I cannot do that, Marco Diaz. Putting aside the supreme importance of these items, this is a trial for _squires_. Assisting you is out of the question. My sole duty today is to sit here and observe how _you_ can handle this predicament.”

Seriously? Even if said predicament included both of them being crushed by lovestruct dragons? Marco was about to argue back, when Lavabo simply turned to the other knight.

“Ah, Sir Scarsguard, doesn’t this bring memories?” he remarked. “They don’t make them like they used to, right? Dragons, I mean.”

“Drag… on?” asked the (somehow _older_ ) knight, pressing his hearing aid closer. “The wait does drag on a bit. Do you know if the race is starting soon?” he asked, obliviously. Even Lavabo didn’t seem to quite have a response to that.

Geez, did the concept of retirement even exist in Mewni! Nevermind, Marco had more pressing problems right now.

He realized he was still holding the can of dragon attractant. Well, maybe there was still enough of the stuff in there to…

He stopped, then turned back. Right in front of him was the huge open maw of one of the dragons. He aimed the nozzle towards it, and pressed the button, showering the creature with the spray. When no more would come out of the can, he chucked it right at the beast’s looming throat, forcing it to stop for a moment and spit it out. 

The dragon looked confused at first, then its eyes narrowed as it glared at Marco. It let out a growl that was unlike any the young squire had heard before. Now, _this_ was what an angry dragon sounded like. It opened its mouth towards the human once again and bared its teeth.

Unfortunately for the creature, however, that was when two of its fellows fell atop of it, roaring excitedly.

Marco smiled. His gamble had paid off!

Then, a second later, his satisfied expression turned into one of shocked embarrassment, as he considered what he was now looking at.

“Ah, Marco Diaz,” Lavabo remarked. “While the breeding habits of the common green dragon are indeed remarkable, might I recommend getting back to our current quest.”

“What’s that about a guest!?” shouted back Sir Scarsguard.

Right.

Marco and Meredith took off from there, pushing their two knights, and soon emerged out into the main path again, only to be confronted by an snickering Higgs and Old Man, as they added the last few good helmets to their own carts.

“Oh, hey, _prince_. So, quick question, is Meredith here a step down from dating the princess or a step up from dating a dragon?” Higgs quipped.

Marco was about to point out he hadn’t dated any of the three, when the goth girl interrupted.

“Oh, hey, Higgs, thank for all the help back there… _not!_ ” she shot back, clearly annoyed.

“Aw, come on, Meredith, you finally got to see dragons up close, and got saved by our very own resident prince charming,” the redhead shrugged. “Isn’t that the stuff of songs?”

“ _Hack_ songs, maybe,” grumbled the dark haired girl. “In my songs, the dragon would be bigger, and would only be conquered after a battle the likes of which would paint the skies red with blood… Marco here would have lost an arm to the beast, and I, as the pure maiden in distress, would have been… You know what? Not the point!” she stopped herself, embarrassed.

“Wow, that… _actually_ sounds epic,” Higgs goaded her on. “Why don’t you give it a try. I am sure our prince would love to hear such a song about him!”

Marco wasn’t so sure about that. And now was hardly the time. There was still a race going on!

No one else seemed to share Marco’s sentiment, however, as the goth girl looked elated at Higg’s suggestion, so much so that she seemed to forget that the other girl had left her to deal with three damn dragons just a few minutes ago.

“Alright then,” Meredith exclaimed, pulling out her iron mandolin. “Be prepared to feast your ears on this!”

“Oh, don’t worry, we are,” Higgs remarked. Marco noticed she was grinning. It was not a good grin.

Old Man was grinning too, and they both seemed to be rummaging their pockets for something. Sir Stabby and Sir Dashing followed. Were those… ear plugs?

Meredith inhaled deeply, coughed, and began to strum her mandolin like she wanted to rip the metal-wire strings out of it. The iron instrument made a loud screeching noise, which was only matched by the vocal cords of its owner.

 _“MUR-DEER of DraGOOONS!_  
_Descending like vultures, RIPping, deVOURing!_  
_The flesh of the WARiors, the maiden’s LAAMeeeeent!_  
_She crieees out foooor…_  
_DEATH. DEATH! **DEAAAAAATH**!!”_

Ugh. Not only did that have nothing to do with what the two of them had just been through, but that song was literally painful to hear, on so many levels. It was as if that girl had taken pitch lessons from Oskar, had all of Ruberiot’s sense of lyrical propriety, and wasn’t so much playing a guitar as running a shrieking hippopotamus through a gigantic metal blender. 

Her voice alone had fell from her already surprisingly deep default to a stream of guttural raving cries that somehow made the tiny mewman sound like a drunk viking, or what Marco imagined a drunk viking would sound like.

 _“MUR-DEER of DraGOOONS!_  
_A heRO is drAWN, by crieees of despAIR!_  
_The maiden’s BLOOD, calling for Revengeeeee!_  
_He brings fists, iron, aaaand..._  
_DEATH. DEATH! **DEAAAAAATH**!!”_

“Marco Diaz, we are experiencing unconventional tactics!” Lavabo shouted over the noise. The old knight was covering his own ears with his hands, and Marco suddenly realized he was doing the same. “May I recommend a strategic retreat?”

Lavabo didn’t have to say it twice. Marco took hold of the cart’s handlebar and pushed away from there, as fast as he could, only caring about the particular direction after they had gotten far away enough from the eardrum-rupturing screams. It suddenly made sense that this girl had been paired with a deaf knight, as Sir Scarsguard seemed to be the only one who hadn’t been bothered at all by her singing.

The hours that followed were a brutal trial of Marco’s resolve to complete both lists. Higgs seemed to be always one step ahead of him, and it felt like the very aisles of Quest Buy conspired against him. 

He would, for example, succeed in grabbing a magical washing sponge from Lavabo’s laundry items list, just to find out that the slight detour meant that, by the time he had gotten to the shield’s shelf, Higgs had flung the last three remaining bucklers into a nearby aisle containing nothing but potted carnivorous plants. True, he got a ratty old shield in the end, but he also got bitten and scratched at by ferocious shrubbery that had no explainable reason to be a purchasable item.

Getting armor oil for the Wash took crossing a kraken petting zoo, which he had to brave twice, as the first time around Higgs appeared out of nowhere to shoot the oil can from his hand and into the huge pool with a well timed arrow. Also, when Quest Buy said “ _petting_ ” zoo, it meant you _could_ indeed pet the monstrous cephalopods, but only as long as you hadn’t grown too attached to having two hands or remaining un-strangled. 

Trying to outsmart her, Marco had attempted a shortcut to get to the battleaxes. Unfortunately for him, said shortcut passed through the aisle hosting Quest Buy’s huge selection of poison darts, where Marco barely managed to avoid all the flying 'free samples’. Those still managed to delay him long enough that everyone else had gotten first pick at the weapons. All that remained for him to grab was a dull iron ax.

Then there was that time he turned around into a hallway at top speed, only to find himself right in front of a yellow “Caution: No floor” sign, and a dark bottomless drop only a step ahead. Also, the time Timore had to bail him from a cascade of sand in the “Egyptian Cotton, All Essentials and More” section. Plus the time he had to rush to the earmuffs section because Meredith somehow had gotten hold of the sloths’ PA system and was intent on giving them all a sample of her ballad about the Forest of Certain Death (or, rather: _**DEAAAAAATH**!_ ).

By the end of it, Marco was tired, sore, and about to explode with irritation. Higgs seemed intent on making his life a living hell, and she had thrown everything at him but the kitchen sink, and that was only because the home decor section of Quest Buy was roughly 50 miles away. 

The squire had managed to get nearly every item in the laundry shopping list. But, as for standard knight equipment, the redhead had basically seen to it that Marco and his mentor ended up with, at best, substandard equipment, and at worst, nothing at all, for each of the categories.

“Worry not, Marco Diaz,” Lavabo reassured him. “You have fought honorably today, and we haven’t failed on our primary duty. The worth of a knight is often measured by the caliber of his opponents, and this Higgs of yours is a formidable rival indeed...”

“Or perhaps, laundryman, it just comes to show that a _pity-case squire_ can’t measure up to the real thing,” a smug voice remarked behind them, as a shopping cart chock-full of the best weapons and armor money could buy (‘at steep, once in a lifetime, discounts!’) passed them by, not for the first time. Sir Stabby grinned triumphantly. 

Say what you will about the jerk, but he seemed genuinely proud of Higgs. Birds of a feather and all that…

“Ready to call it quits, _prince_?” Higgs taunted Marco. “Going to tell your princess ex-girlfriend that being a squire is too tough, after all? Maybe she can offer you a job more suitable to your abilities, like ‘palace buttler’”

Marco’s fists clenched around the handle of his cart. You know what? Screw honor, and fairness, and even showing them someone worth respecting. He wanted to wipe that smug grin from her face so much. He wanted to, to…

“What is your goddamn problem!?” he shouted, letting go of his cart. “You don’t like me? Fine. I don’t much care for you either! But you could have just gone ahead of me the entire race. Instead, you have constantly gone out of your way to screw me over. I have done _nothing_ to you! Not a thing. But you don’t care, do you!? You just want to pick a fight. Fine, you got it!”

He adopted a karate stance. This wasn’t what the Squire Blowout competition was about. But Marco just didn’t care anymore. He was that angry.

Higgs smiled calmly at him, shrugged, let go of her cart, and cracked her knuckles.

“Marco Diaz, this isn’t proper duel etiquette for a squire of the Order of the Wash…” began Sir Lavabo.

“Crush that washboy, Higgs!” demanded Sir Stabby.

A small crowd of onlookers was beginning to form. While a few of them were random shoppers, the majority of them were Mewni’s own squires and knights. The young squires made no attempt to hide their excitement at what was occurring. They wanted to see a brawl, and based on the name they were shouting in unison, there was a clear favorite.

The only ones who showed any concern for Marco were Nick and Timore. Lady Jaya could also be seen behind them. She neither displayed a look of disappointment or approval at the scene, just a curious expression that wondered if Marco really had what it took to go through with this. 

Marco felt that lightning and thunder should have erupted around them at that moment, to mark their final showdown. Instead, the persistent crackling static of the PA system went out and, rather than thunderclap, they got the monotonous voice of the bored sloth announcer.

“Attention Quest Buy shoppers, we are, um, _excited_ to announce that, uh, a special item has been added to the Squire Blowout Sale. For this year’s event only, we are offering a...” there was a pause, and the sound of rummaging through papers, “... 99.5% additional discount on our vorpal swords. We have...” more rummaging, “... _one_ item in stock in this category. Aisle 13.9. That’s all.”

It was as if, in that moment, both Higgs and Marco’s brains were one and the same. Both of them ran back to their respective carts, spun them around, and began racing as fast as they could towards aisle 13.9. Forget a fistfight, Marco could only imagine the pleasure of beating his nemesis to the final and most exclusive item of them all. He would show her, he would show them all!

Fortunately, Marco’s cart was originally closer to the main path, which meant he started in the lead by default. Unfortunately, Baby Man and Old Guy’s carts had been even further back towards said main path, which meant both of them were ahead of him. Strangely, instead of racing ahead of the squire of the Wash, the two squires seemed to be heading towards him. They seemed, in fact, to be converging from both sides to a position just ahead of his own, trying to block his path.

“No! Let him pass!” yelled a voice behind him. “I don’t need any help to beat that pampered idiot!”

Looking somewhat surprised, the two bullies obeyed Higgs’ command and let Marco through. Other squires were either too far behind now, or had, upon seeing the expressions in Higgs’ and Marco’s faces, decided that they’d rather not get in between the two of them. It was clear to Marco then that at the end of the day, the sword would belong to one of them, and there was only one outcome he was willing to accept.

True to her boast, the redhead was quick to catch up to Marco. For a moment they were side by side, with him barely managing to push the cart fast enough to keep her from fully overtaking him.

Suddenly, Higgs veered inwards and pushed Marco away with the side of her own fully-loaded cart, using its mass against him. He swerved to avoid the brunt of the impact, and then pushed himself harder to catch up, coming behind the redhead with a fierce karate chop aimed directly at her head. Higgs ducked, but Marco used the chance to slam his cart into hers, pushing her out of the way and getting ahead in their race towards the exclusive sword. Payback, too, was a bitch.

“Marco Diaz, I am not sure that is quite the way one should treat a fellow squire…” begun Lavabo. An instant later, an arrow flew by the two of them, and Marco swerved abruptly to avoid it. Both squire and knight turned back, to see a furious Higgs holding her bow with one hand and tensing the string with her mouth as she pushed her cart with the remaining free hand. As she readied yet another arrow, she was also quickly catching up to the two of them. “Although, it is quite possible that I am mistaken in this matter,” the older knight admitted.

“Aim lower!” Sir Stabby gleefully advised his charge.

Despite having to swerve again and again to avoid the incoming projectiles, Marco was able to keep a very modest lead. That is, at least, until they turned around into Aisle 13.9 and the path literally ended for all four of them.

Aisle 13.9, it turned out, was not so much an aisle, as it was a deep water canal in between two sets of half-submerged shelves. The underwater racks carried shells and other such aquatic items, but no swords of any kind. Instead, hanging on a solid stone wall at the end of the aisle, a glowing neon arrow sign pointed down, towards a fully submerged cavern entrance. Above the sign was a cartoony picture of an arm holding a sword made entirely of fluorescent blue lights. The sword had big eyes and a doopey smiley face drawn on it. Ugh, Marco hoped that wasn’t what the vorpal sword actually looked like.

He had stopped his cart, and was beginning to remove his trademark red hoodie, when a shadow passed flying right over him. He looked up to see Higgs, who had somehow vaulted over him, and was now in the process of executing a perfect olympic dive into the water, fully dressed. Darn it! 

Without bothering with taking out anything but the hoodie, Marco jumped into the narrow canal as well, following his rival. He was already angry at himself for wasting time and for having let her get ahead of him. His annoyance only grew when he realized the squire girl was actually a pretty damn good swimmer too. Even worse, they seemed to be swimming against a fairly strong current, which favored the girl’s stronger arms and legs.

As pissed as he was towards her as a person, he had to admit a grudging level of respect for the girl’s athletic skills. Hell, she might even qualify as cool, if she weren’t such a…

“What’s the matter, _prince_? Missing your floaties?“ she yelled back, right before she disappeared into the cave ahead of the human boy.

Marco swam as fast as he could towards the end of the aisle, lifted his head to take a deep long breath and, without pausing to consider the risks, dived into the underwater cave after the other squire. As hard as he tried, it seemed like he couldn’t quite catch up with Higgs there. It took all he had just to keep advancing against the rapid flow inside the cave. But as long as he could keep her close in sight, he still had a chance. 

There was another problem, though, and that was the fact that there was no air inside the long tunnel. Not only had the entrance to the cavern been submerged, but the entirety of the passageway beyond was underwater. Some source of light was visible on the other side, but Marco wasn’t sure he would be able to hold his breath long enough to reach it, particularly as the current pushed against them between every stroke. 

Crap. Would he die here? Drowning in a dumb Quest Buy submerged aisle, trying to win a sword just to show up an annoying girl he had just met? When you put it that way... 

A huge spiky spiral seashell came rushing at him through the flowing water, and Marco had to dive further down just to avoid it. He looked up, through stinging, water-filled eyes, and saw the blurry form of Higgs pushing even more crap out of the submerged shelves, letting the current push them towards him.

Ok, that did it! She was so going down!

Marco ignored the burning sensation of his air-starved lungs. He dived further down towards the floor of the aisle, where the current was the weakest, and swam as fast as he could. Eventually, he saw some light filtering through the water from directly above, and pushed up against the sandy bottom with his feet. He came up and took a big, long, _urgent_ , breath.

Somehow, they had ended up in the middle of a huge circular lake, surrounded on all sides by tall walls of Quest Buy shelves. In the middle of the lake was an extremely detailed statue of a woman, made of white marble, and submerged almost entirely under the water. Only its right arm rose above the surface, and in that arm’s closed hand, the statue held the golden hilt of a magnificent sword. 

The blade seemed to Marco to emit a soft blue glow, but it could be the effect of the Quest Buy bizarre fluorescent lamps reflecting on the lake’s cerulean surface. At any rate, Marco was thankful that the vorpal sword was far more dignified than the neon advertisement had implied.

However, Marco didn’t have much time to admire the prize, as Higgs was already swimming towards it. 

He followed behind, swimming as fast as he could. But, he soon realized, there was no way he could out-race the girl here, not if he had to play fair. She was stronger than he was, she swam faster than he did, and she was already ahead of him. The only thing that he could really do, was to try and outsmart her.

Marco pulled the dimensional scissors from his pocket. Suddenly relieved that they hadn’t fallen out as he swam and gotten dragged away by the current. 

He stopped swimming. There was no point in racing the other squire. He actually didn’t have to get to where the sword currently was before Higgs did. He just had to grab it before she could reach it. He had line of sight. All he really had to do was to open a portal between where he was and the statue hand, take the blade from its display, and pull it back towards him through the dimensional vortex.

He had to do it quickly, though. Higgs was getting close to the goal.

Marco opened the portal and… a fist-sized rock came out flying from it. 

He dodged, letting the current drag him ever so slightly, and turning to look at the other end of the portal. Floating besides the hilt of the blade, was a small swirling orange and gold vortex, just as expected. The redhead girl was swimming towards it as fast as she could. Her determined eyes fixed on the portal and the sword.

Marco swam back to his side of the dimensional opening and, without taking his eyes off from Higgs, pushed his hand through the portal once more to grab the sword.

The other squire seemed to notice this. Fast as lightning, Higgs took another swimming stroke, and opened her hand. That’s when Marco noticed that she had been swimming with her fists clenched, holding a rock on each of them, likely at least since they reached the lake, maybe since back in the tunnel.

Marco realized that Higgs had seen the scissors before, back with the whole dragon attractant stunt. She had obviously taken those into account and formulated a plan ahead of time. She had counted on him using them. She had counted on him... cheating. And, well, she hadn’t been wrong.

The second flying stone failed to hit his hand, but it still made Marco pull it back through the portal. At the same time, the other squire reached forward with her other hand and grabbed hold of the vorpal sword’s hilt, right under where the marble fist closed against it.

Slowly, the statue’s hand opened up, handing the weapon to its new owner.

Higgs turned around to give Marco a triumphant grin. The human boy was, quite frankly, speechless.

Suddenly, there was a huge rumble, and the previously tranquil lake surface seemed to explode with motion all of a sudden. The water rose up in a heightening burst, which seemed to be centered where the statue holding the sword had been. Higgs was the first to disappear underneath, her entire form swallowed by a tsunami-like wave. An instant later, the wave reached Marco. He briefly lost all sense of direction, of up and down, as the wave threw him around like a rag doll.

Somehow, they both crashed on a sandy shore. Strewn around the place were coconut trees, beautiful seashells, and single shelves full of Quest Buy merchandise just seemingly growing up randomly on the beach. On the far shore, he could see the waves crashing over the walls of much more densely packed shelves separating the strange lake from the rest of the store. The barrier did block the flood somewhat, but plenty of water managed to go over even the tallest shelves.

Once again, the PA system broke its usual static to bring them the voice of the sloth, “Attention staff. We seem to have a spill in aisles 13 to, um, 84.” 

Through the confusion, Marco saw Higgs, holding the sword, slowly getting up from the sand, smiling victoriously, even as she dusted the sand off of her hair and wet clothes.

“I… I… I did it!” she stated, fighting to recover her own breath. For a second, she looked genuinely happy and surprised.

Then, her cheerful smile turned into the smug grin Marco was more familiar with.

“I win, _prince_. Even with your magic scissor bullshit. Even with _that_ undeserved advantage, I win!” she shouted. “Did the princess also give you those, by the way? Do you even know how valuable those are? What they really mean for those who truly do earn them?”

“I…” Marco _did_ know, actually.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. Because even with that, I won! I was faster, stronger, smarter than you! And I got here on my own!” she shouted. At some point, she had gone from gloating to yelling in anger.

Marco felt confused at that. In the end, she wasn’t wrong. That trick with the rocks had been quite clever, and the fact was, she had been winning the race itself either way at that point. 

But he wondered why it was so important for her to win. _He_ knew why he wanted to show her up, and he was disappointed he hadn’t managed to do that, but what was it to her? Clearly, it wasn’t just about the sword.

For the first time, Marco wondered about Higgs motivations. Not why she hated him. He had asked himself that enough times, and he thought he understood the answer, unfair as it was. Rather, why did she feel she had this much to prove?.

“You know what?” Marco said. “Yeah. You won. Congratulations.”

He didn’t like admitting it. But what else was he going to say? He wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of showing himself to be a sore loser. All he could do now was go back to where Sir Lavabo and their shopping cart were.

That was when he saw it. A small poster pinned against a coconut tree, half-smudged by the wave that had deposited them both here. Still, clearly visible in the poster, was an arrow, and a palm tree. A palm tree, inside a poster, nailed to a palm tree.

And not just any palm tree. A palm tree with a hole roughly the size of a person’s head, and two holes roughly the size of a person’s arms. A palm tree costume. _Star’s_ palm tree costume!

To hell with vorpal swords and bows and horses! Marco had forgotten what was _really_ important here, and that was to get his bestie the present she had asked for! He had been so wrapped up in the competition, and in what the other squires thought of him, that he had forgotten his plan to chat with Star. He had all the Wash items, after all. So the second priority wasn’t the knight items, it was the gift for his friend.

“So, what are you going to do now, _prince_?” asked Higgs. “Are you going to use those dimensional scissors to go back home to your own dimension? Are you going to go complain to the princess? Are you going to go hide in the castle basement with Lavabo until the year is over?”

“I, am going to go buy a silly costume,” Marco pointed out smiling. Then turned around, and began walking towards the center of the island, following the direction of the poster’s arrow.

He so wished he could have seen Higgs’ reaction to that one. Then again, not seeing her reaction was the whole point. Sure, he had “lost”, but, walking away from her long victory rant, to go get what was important to _him_ , felt a lot like winning.

Unfortunately, such self-congratulatory smugness lasted Marco only as long as it took for Higgs to come running past him.

“Uh. What are you doing?” he asked her.

She turned around and grinned, showing Marco the palm tree ad poster. She held it in her left hand, while the right still held the vorpal sword. “I am going to buy myself a silly costume, of course!”

“Wait, what? Why!?” Marco said before immediately chasing after her.

“Because _you_ want it, _prince_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We originally planned to have this chapter end the Squire Blowout arc. 
> 
> However, we decided to split it here due to unprecedented length. So, that's what's next: Chapter 10, the long awaited conclusion to Marco's first meeting with his fellow squires!


	10. The Blindfold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a race comes to an end, Lavabo tells a story, and Marco glimpses the beginning of a musical career

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: this is possibly the longest chapter yet.

“Because _you_ want it, _prince_.” 

That had been all the reason Higgs had given him. All the reason she had needed to prolong their absurd contest well past the point of her own decisive victory. It made no sense that she continued to mess with him, when she had nothing to gain from it. So, of course, she _did_. Because not making sense and screwing with him were just what Higgs was best at!

Marco ran behind her, struggling to keep up with the much more athletic mewman.

This day had put the Earth boy through the freaking grinder, and apparently it wasn’t done doing so. It was not enough that Marco had learned some vague lesson about respecting yourself or overcoming discrimination. It also wasn’t enough to learn to admit defeat, or to respect stronger adversaries. Not at all! Instead, the lesson of the day seemed to be as follows: reality is a bitch, people are awful, and if you want something, even something as inconsequential as a silly palm tree costume, then you had to fight for it, you had to _earn_ it. 

Well, he was going to do just that! He was going to grab the palm tree outfit before she did, he was going to give it to his bestie, and he was going to seem _thoughtful_ and _considerate_ while doing it!

He pulled out his dimensional scissors again, and tried to open a portal to get ahead of Higgs. Before he could go through it, Higgs simply sprinted towards where the exit vortex was forming and, with a swift motion, hit the swirling orange flames with her shiny new sword. The portal trembled briefly, and then it fizzled out entirely.

“Fun fact about _vorpal_ swords, _prince_ ,” Higgs gloated. “They are pretty handy against magic. I haven’t gotten to test it against anything solid yet, though. Wonder if I should try it out on that costume you want so much?”

Marco groaned. This was getting ridiculous! She seemed now a lot less like a fierce rival and more like an attention-starved puppy. She obviously had no use for silly costumes, but the girl just wasn’t quite done screwing with him for the day.

As she stopped to brag some more, Marco took the opportunity to almost catch up to her the old fashioned way. It didn’t seem the other squire minded, though. Right. She probably didn’t just want to beat him to the costume, but keep him close enough to irritate him at every step of the way!

The worst part was, at first, Marco had thought he’d made a friend. Before meeting Nicholas and Timore, Higgs was the first person his age that Marco had met in Mewni. He had been hesitant to trust her at first, when he found out she was squiring under someone like Sir Stabby. He should have trusted that instinct, but, back then, the differences in their demeanors had seemed like night and day. While the older knight was rude, narcissistic, and demanding, Higgs was welcoming, patient, and had a great sense of humor.

Of course, all of that had been a facade. A beautiful mask Higgs wore to lure Marco into a false sense of security, so that she could embarrass him in front of everyone when his guard was down. When she tripped him into the mud, Marco was confused at first, hurt even. Higgs subsequent rant about how Marco being among their ranks was only due to his friendship with the princess, and that his position as squire was undeserved, didn’t help things. It had been an uphill battle for Marco to make a few friends among his fellow squires after that, and only thanks to Lady Jaya’s push had he been able to get himself to do even that much.

And now, Higgs was aiming to mess up his friendship with Star as well. The other squire didn’t know this, of course, but Marco was sure she would literally explode with glee if she did.

Eventually, they both reached the display feature marked in the advertisement poster, which happened to be the bubbling caldera of a tiny volcano. Because, _of course_ it was. In the middle of it, in a high stone pillar, reachable only by a long narrow stone bridge over a lava-filled chasm, was the palm tree costume. Apparently, Quest Buy’s store layout was the work of a bored Saturday morning cartoon villain.

Marco had no time to hesitate, as Higgs was already running through the perilous bridge, seemingly unafraid of the quite lethal fall. He followed close behind her. By a sort of unspoken agreement, they both chose not to attack or obstruct one another over the narrow pass. It was just not worth risking a painful fiery death, not when a single short misstep could take either of them right over the unprotected edge.

Once Higgs had made it past the first third of the bridge, with Marco only a few steps behind, the ground underneath them began shaking. Both squires slowed down, as they tried to keep their balance. Marco wondered, not for the first time, if this was worth it, even for Star’s gift. Sure, he had missed their adventures, and the dangers Star often dragged him into, but this was a bit too much for a palm tree costume...

That’s when the masks showed up. 

Floating out from inside the lava on both sides of the bridge, eyes glowing an eerie burning red, fire dancing in their mouths, six Tiki masks came up to surround them. The one closest to Marco lazily opened its wooden mouth wide, as if yawning, and a ball of flames came out flying from it towards the squire. He barely managed to dodge it by stepping back in the last second. 

Following that first attack, one after the other, the masks yawned, spewing fireballs towards the narrow bridge. As soon as the last was done, the first was ready to fire again. They harassed both squires with an endless rotating barrage.

Tiki masks? Really? Atop a fake island volcano? To get a palm tree? So, it was a _themed_ death trap? God, he hated Quest Buy _so_ much!

Much more slowly, Higgs and Marco made their way through the bridge, avoiding or blocking the fireball projectiles from all six masks. Marco managed to use dimensional portals to send a few of those towards the lava below, whereas Higgs’ magical sword seemed to be able to deflect the fireballs as one would a baseball. Every time one impacted the vorpal sword, it glowed bright blue in response, and the offending meteor would be sent flying back in the exact direction it came from, with close to its original momentum, but reversed.

Marco had to admire the other squire’s skill and determination, even if what she was determined to do was mostly to mess with him. Once again, he wondered what was that drove her to such competitiveness, before remembering that he himself had every reason to want to beat her this time. Not just for his own sake, but for the sake of patching things up with Star.

“Still following behind, _prince?_ ” the girl teased as she deflected another fireball. “I don’t know why you bother. You know all you are going to get is a chance to see me cut up your stupid costume up close, right?”

As they made it to the final fourth of the bridge, the Tiki masks begun falling down into the caldera again. Higgs was still in front, but Marco broke into a sprint after her. She responded by picking up the pace herself, despite the sword acting as a considerable weight already.

For the second time that day, he just wasn’t quick enough. Marco sighed as he saw Higgs leap forward into the costume’s tiny platform. She turned back to grin at him once more, holding onto the neck of the palm tree disguise with one hand, lifting her sword slowly with the other, as if to extract the most possible torment out of him, and then, Marco’s eyes opened wide.

Behind the unaware redhead, a seventh Tiki mask had risen from the lava. This one was many times larger than the other six, and taller than the mewman it now loomed behind. It opened its mouth wide…

“Higgs! Watch out!” Marco yelled.

She turned around, but it was too late, a huge fiery meteor was headed towards her and the costume she held up now.

Higgs jumped out of the way, ditching the costume in the process. But the platform was far too narrow for that. Both Higgs and the palm tree outfit fell out, on opposite sides of the bridge, towards their respective volcanic dooms.

Marco raced forward, suddenly unconcerned about his own safety. He pulled out the dimensional scissors and threw himself off the narrow bridge and into the lava. He just hoped the added speed of his jump would allow him to get ahead of his target, to win the race against Higgs, just this once.

His wish was answered, and he found himself passing her on their way down towards their death. A few meters away, he could see the palm tree falling as well. But still, he didn’t have time.

Marco cut one more portal, in front of him. He turned around, grabbed Higgs left hand, and pulled her towards him with all his strength. 

They both fell through the portal and hit, not magma, but the surface of the water canal that was the floor of Aisle 13.9. Thankfully, it was deep enough to slow down their fall, as the momentum carried them down all the way to the sand-covered linoleum bottom. 

Marco kept pulling Higgs by the arm as he swam up towards the surface and then towards the entrance of the aisle. Higgs was much heavier than Marco had anticipated. He soon realized the reason: her other hand, completely submerged in the water, was still holding onto the vorpal sword. _Geez_ , what a stubborn girl!

He had managed to open the portal under both of them as they fell, and thus, to bring them back all the way here, to where a gently smiling Lavabo and a shocked Sir Stabby waited, still atop their wooden cart-horses.

Higgs choked as she tried to breathe, having swallowed some of the water in the surprise and confusion. By the time they reached the edge of the stream-slash-aisle, she seemed pretty much fine to drag herself out on her own. Still, she looked at Marco like he had grown an extra head (which, since that had actually happened before, made Marco reflexibly pat his thankfully naysaya-free neck).

“Um…” she struggled to form words. “You… you grabbed me, instead of the thing you wanted... Why?"

"Are you _kidding?_ ” Marco protested, offended. “No matter how much of a pain in the butt you are, I am not going to let anyone _die_ over a freaking palm tree costume!"

Both of their knights lifted an eyebrow at ‘palm tree costume.’

“What in blazes happened to you out there, Higgs? Wait, nevermind. It doesn’t matter,” Sir Stabby said, disregarding his initial concern at record speed. “A fine job on obtaining that magnificent sword. Took you long enough, though. In fact, we’re running out of time, and you must bring this cart to the checkout immediately!”

“Uh… yes, sir!” Higgs replied, with a resolute nod. 

Despite still showing signs of disorientation, it took mere seconds for the experienced squire to dust off her uniform, hand Stabby his new weapon, and leave Aisle 13.9, all without paying Marco and Lavabo any further mind. 

Marco sighed. He would have appreciated a ‘thank you’ from the girl whose life he had just saved. Well, it didn’t really matter in the long run, he supposed. Frankly, expecting gratitude from Higgs was like expecting the burning lava to be comfortably cool. It was just not going to happen. 

Sir Lavabo remained seated on the wooden horse, looking mildly puzzled, yet composed. “Well, Marco Diaz, although this may be a first for the night, I do believe following Sir Stabby’s example is the best course of action. If we do not purchase these items soon, they will return to their original prices once the sale is over. I fear the Wash budget is not as it once was, so we will only be able to afford most of them for the next ten minutes or so.”

“Um, ok. Yeah. Right. Let’s get going.” Marco replied, shelving his thoughts on what had just happened for a later time. 

Lavabo was right, the clock was ticking and, of course, Quest Buy promotions worked on the same schedule as Cinderella’s fairy godmother: everything back to full price by midnight. Well, time to get these items to the checkout, before they turned into pumpkins. He grabbed the cart and followed the half dozen signs leading them to one of Quest Buy’s many checkout sections. 

Still sore from the day’s exercise (and upset at the fact that he failed to retrieve Star’s palm tree outfit), Marco wasn’t very enthusiastic during the trek out, and his slow pace, despite the deadline, reflected that. It didn’t help that Lavabo was unusually quiet the entire time. He must have been disappointed in the squire, yet didn’t know how to express that disappointment in words. Perhaps Lavabo should approach Stabby for some pointers on that, the boy thought.

“Sir Lavabo, um, sir?” Marco asked awkwardly.

“Yes, Marco Diaz?” the old knight responded.

“I’ve been meaning to ask. This was obviously your first Squire Blowout as a knight but... how was it when you were a squire?” It must have been thirty to forty years ago, at least. Who knows how different Quest Buy, or, hell, Mewni was back then.

“Ah, an excellent question. While it was a long time ago, I remember it clear as day,” Lavabo said nostalgically. “I only ever attended three total blowouts, since I became a knight shortly after the last one. The second and third blowouts were intense, but manageable. My first blowout was, by far, the most instructive.”

Marco and Lavabo reached the checkout line right then. To their dismay, they found a single register open, maned by an elderly sloth. One which looked to be, if anything, more lethargic than was even common among Quest Buy’s employees. It was currently busy attending Sir Scarsguard, while Meredith herself looked impatiently at the nonagenarian duo exchange pleasantries, one asking the other to repeat himself constantly, and the other calmly beginning its slow stuttering long-winded explanation anew.

Sighing, Marco looked around, quickly spotting the rest of the squires and knights feverishly pushing items through the automated self-checkout kiosks instead. He quickly turned his cart in that direction, picking the machine furthest away from anyone else in the group, Higgs and Stabby in particular. 

“Sorry about that. What happened on that first blowout?” Marco pressed the old knight for more, right as he began fumbling with the unintuitive machine.

Lavabo smiled. “Like you, Marco Diaz, my first blowout had occured not long after I was appointed a squire of the Wash. I was thirteen at the time. My knight and mentor, Sir Hanger, stressed the monumental importance of the items we’d need to perform our duties, so he trained me in preparation for the entire week leading up to the blowout.”

Huh, must of been nice to be even moderately prepared for the blowout, Marco thought, a little bitterly.

“Sir Hanger had given me the layout of Quest Buy, and forced me to memorize every single aisle, as well as the route we’d be taking that night, since I was expected to do the race blindfolded.”

“What!? Are you serious!?” Marco looked up from the kiosk, startled. And he thought Stabby was bad!

Lavabo nodded. “It was the most grueling and difficult week I had experienced as a squire, despite me being as fresh to the Wash as a newborn lamb, but I would not have expected anything less from my own father.”

Marco blinked. “Sir Hanger was your _dad?_ ”

“Aye, and _what_ a father he was! He possessed all the great qualities you’d expect from both a knight and parent. Strong, yet gentle. Stoic, yet compassionate. He maintained the Order of the Wash for seventy straight years while raising five children. I could only hope to live up to his legacy.”

“The Wash back then sounded less like a chivalric order and more like a family business,” Marco noted, as he tried rotating a bag of _Merlin’s and Melvin’s_ twelve different ways until the barcode scanner finally picked it up.

“You would not be wrong for assuming so, Marco Diaz,” Lavabo said. “I was the youngest of my siblings, and all of them had already been working in the Wash as squires themselves. When my oldest sister found out I was to do the Squire Blowout race blindfolded, she was confused. No such stipulation had ever fallen on them when they partook in the same test. I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that my father had the highest expectations for me as a squire, and I resolved I would not let him down.”

“Were you able to do it?” Marco asked nervously, forgetting for a moment about the unscanned items.

“While I finished the race in time, I was not able to complete both the Wash and knightly gear lists. I believe I only attained half of what we needed. This, unfortunately, resulted in a turbulent year for the Wash.”

So, 50% overall, Marco thought. Looking back at his own two lists, and at the items he was now bagging, he probably ranged from 60% to 70% of what they needed, and had gotten the vast majority of the Wash items. Perhaps he didn’t do _as badly_ as he’d assumed. It was still shocking to learn that _Lavabo_ of all people didn’t do well his first Blowout, especially with the extra training and his borderline unhealthy dedication to the Wash, which he apparently held since he was a teenager. 

“What happened?” he cautiously asked, as he once again pressed back to cancel a mislabeled selection in the shoddy Quest Buy machine.

“I didn’t see it myself, due to the blindfold, but apparently a fellow squire did not approve of my participation in the race, so they threw a halberd under my feet, which took us off course. Our cart crashed into a shelf of cauldrons. Not even my father, with his meticulous planning and routing, could have anticipated this event.”

“Wow, so even back then people didn’t appreciate those working for the Wash!” That annoyed Marco to no end! Like, what did it take to get some respect around here!?

“I understand your frustration, Marco Diaz. But that simply is not true,” Lavabo said.

Marco blinked. “Huh?”

“When we crashed into that shelf, the blindfold I was wearing had become undone. Now, imagine living your whole life in Mewni, and then opening your eyes for the first time in a place such as Quest Buy. The fluorescent lights, the towering structures, the bizarre technology, and the many otherworldly beings who resembled monsters. How would you react?”

Marco didn’t even have to think that hard about it. The memory of his and Star’s first adventure in Quest Buy was still fresh in his mind. While Earth had shopping malls, those weren’t nearly as large, strange, dangerous, or intimidating as Quest Buy was. He could only imagine that shock being amplified for someone who was only used to a medieval kingdom like Mewni.

Lavabo clenched his fist. “I was frozen with fear, and began hyperventilating, unable to stand back from the ground. My father could not calm me, and the other squires began laughing. I felt a strange mix of terror, embarrassment, and shame, and I didn’t know what to do about it.”

Despite this incident happening a long time ago, and the fact that the older man had, of course, moved on from it, Marco still couldn’t help but feel sorry for Younger Lavabo. He had deserved better than that.

“At that moment, when all seemed hopeless, a squire dressed head to toe in silver armor made their way towards me. I half-expected to be rightfully attacked for my dishonorable disruption of the race, but instead, they kneeled down and lifted up their helmet’s visor, revealing a young woman’s soft face. She said this to me:

_“Hey, Eyebrows, they sell socks here. Are you really gonna let a place that sells socks bother you this much? Now get off your ass and stop embarrassing yourself. If you could make it this far with that silly blindfold on, imagine what you’re capable of without it.”_

Those words must have left an impression on Lavabo, since, literally decades later, he was able to quote them, word for word, right down to what had probably been the original intonation. In fact, Marco felt there was something strangely familiar about that tone. But, right now, he couldn’t quite place his finger on it. Besides, well... “Socks?” he asked, confused.

“Yes, socks, of course!” Lavabo exclaimed. “It was so clear, and yet I didn’t see it until it was pointed out to me: Quest Buy did, indeed, sell socks. And how could a place that understood the need for warm and comfortable socks be a place of terror? How indeed, when socks are surely one of the foremost signs of civilization!”

“Socks?” repeated Marco, now ever more perplexed. 

“Alas, it might not seem so to you yet. However, I have been cleaning and folding clothing my entire life, so, of course, that means I have been around socks for just as long,” Lavabo said. “You see, Marco Diaz, it is my belief that socks are what separates civilization from barbarism. All creatures possess an instinctive desire to survive. If you are hungry, you eat. If you are cold, you start a fire. But doing the bare minimum will only get you so far in this world. When the first mewman settlers arrived on Mewni, they faced a harsh winter. Their usual methods of survival were insufficient. The ground was so cold that the barefoot hunters could not fetch food for their families. They tried setting their feet on fire to counteract this, but that came with its own problems...”

“So… they invented socks?” Marco tried to follow the older man’s line of reasoning.

“That’s correct!” Lavabo said, beaming with pride at his squire’s astuteness. “One man or woman among those settlers was ambitious enough, bold enough, brilliant enough, to try something never done before, and it ended up saving all mewmans. The creation of socks was the first of many brave steps Mewmankind took to conquer nature and surpass the Monsters who sought their destruction.”

“All because of socks?” Marco asked, trying to make sure he fully understood the argument.

“Indeed. After that squire’s wise words, I remembered that tale, which was first told to me by my father,” the knight added. “I began thinking, ‘Can a place that understands the importance of socks really be all that bad?’ As I looked around, I noticed the strange creatures, who I originally feared, were also wearing socks. That was our common ground, and the mark of a learned and proper folk. They were not here to devour me. They were simple people making purchases at a store.” 

Marco was less than convinced about that particular test of character, but he didn’t really want to interrupt his enthusiastic mentor.

“Quest Buy represented a place where civilized people from all walks of life came to make their lives in other dimensions easier, brought together by the pursuit of comfort. A pursuit that, for mewmans, at least, had begun with the humble sock,” declared Sir Lavabo. “That realization, combined with her other words of encouragement, were enough to break me out of my fear-induced paralysis. Unfortunately, it was somewhat late for me to accomplish all that my father had expected of me. Still, be as it may, I was able to at least finish the race.”

“I… uh…” Marco was at a loss. He was fairly certain that Sir Lavabo was stretching that female squire’s words further that even a pair of spandex socks would go. Marco wasn’t sure if he should question it, though. After all, did it really matter in the end? One way or another, no matter how indirectly, that girl's words helped Lavabo fight through what must have been his lowest point as a squire. 

“I had experienced a great failure that day, Marco Diaz. However, despite my father’s disappointment and the ridicule I faced from the other children, my role as a squire did not end there. In fact, the mistakes I made helped me learn valuable lessons about keeping calm in the face of strange environments or chaotic circumstances, and about finding common ground where there seems to be none. It was much better that I learned those things in Quest Buy, rather than on a battlefield, where those same mistakes would have cost my life. I do not know what lessons you’ve learned today, with your own mistakes, but they will help you in the future, I promise you that.”

Marco looked down. He wanted to tell Lavabo what he had learned today, but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what that was. He thought long and hard about the question, as he finished ringing the last few items and began scrolling through a twenty-screens long list of payment methods, looking for Mewnian golden coins and rubies (or, failing that, some way to pay with 650 US dollars...).

Had he actually learned anything? Marco spent the whole day trying to prove himself to Higgs and the others, which blew up in his face. Yet, at the same time, squires like Nick and Timore respected and even helped him out when he needed it. But what could he take from that? That he should seek the approval of his peers? Or that he shouldn’t? That it was better to stand up to bullies? Or to avoid them?

“I’m sorry, Sir Lavabo, but I don’t exactly feel enlightened after all this,” Marco said, truthfully. “I didn’t just fail to get all the knight gear, I let my emotions get the better of me. While that vorpal sword _would_ have been a big help to the Wash, I wasn’t even thinking about that. I just wanted it to finally beat Higgs at her stupid game for once. I tried to be the honorable one, but, in the end, I was just as bad as her.”

“There you have it,” Lavabo said. “That is your lesson. I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Marco took a second to try and process that. “What?” He let the large gold coin he was in the process of feeding to the machine fall clattering to the floor.

“You have the self-reflection to see where you went wrong. You were blinded by Higgs’ provocations, and now that you have fully acknowledged that, the blindfold you were wearing can now come off. Congratulations!” Lavabo began clapping.

“Uh… thank you?” Marco felt like he had been tricked. Tricked in a good way, at least.

That still didn’t really answer all his questions, he thought, as he picked back up the coin. That summary didn’t tell him when to fight, or when to retreat. He had tried both, regarding Higgs, and failed each time. But, he now realized, the lesson wasn’t about what he chose to do, but in how he had made that choice. In both cases, he had let his emotions take the decision for him, first to cower and then to match hostility with rage, rather than thread a calmer, more honorable, and smarter middle path. 

“You are very welcome, Marco Diaz. And do not forget, while Higgs may antagonize you now, there will come a time where she will need to acknowledge you as an ally. But, until her own blindfold comes off, just be thankful that such a capable squire is working under our flag. If you ask me, the future of the Butterfly Kingdom has never looked brighter!”

Marco felt his face heat up a little. “Heh, yeah, hopefully.” Feeling more confident in himself, the squire finished his struggle with the checkout machine with minutes to spare. 

The user interface was terrible, of course, and the scanner itself had barely worked. But, in that regard, at least, Quest Buy truly wasn’t any more fearsome than the more familiar Earth equivalents. Marco turned around, to see the mewman squires and knights still struggling with their respective kiosks. He hoped they would all figure them out in time, even Higgs, but didn’t try to head back to help any of them. It was a part of their own test tonight, after all, Marco thought with a sly smile.

As the machine printed Marco’s receipt, Lavabo finally stepped off the wooden horse and began stretching his arms and legs. “Ah, it feels like it’s been forever since I last walked.”

Marco chuckled. “Did they really expect you to sit on that thing the entire time without taking any breaks?” It looked beyond uncomfortable.

“When you look at it a certain way, the Blowout in and of itself is a break for a knight. While we indeed use the opportunity to analyze a squire’s strengths and weaknesses, let it be known that all the accomplishments we basked in today were your own, Marco Diaz.”

“Heh, well, I hope you enjoyed being able to sit all day for once. You obviously deserved it.” 

Lavabo smiled. “Now, if you excuse me, I must use the restroom. Once I return, we will join the others before they leave with Manfred.”

“Alright, I’ll wait here and guard our stuff,” the boy offered.

As Lavabo began walking away from the cart, Marco could still hear the knight talking to himself. 

“Now then, where would I be able to find the men’s room? Quest Buy has so many different types of bathrooms since I was last here. What an exciting time to be alive!”

Heh. For being so old-fashioned and, well, _old_ in general, Lavabo was a really chill guy. If you had dumped a bunch of grumpy old men from Earth onto Quest Buy, they’d probably file a complaint for the variety of bathrooms _before_ the death traps and safety hazards would concern them.

“Hey, Marco!” shouted an excited voice behind him. The human turned around to see Nicholas pushing his cart towards him. 

Lady Jaya walked calmly besides her squire. She was now off of the cart’s wooden horse, which probably indicated that the other boy, too, was fully done with the Squire Blowout. 

Marco couldn’t help but notice that, unlike his own, the mewman squire’s cart looked pretty much full of top notch knightly gear: gem-encrusted battleaxes, shimmering silver chain mails, an ornate yew longbow, and some less easily described items that hadn’t even been on the list Lavabo had given him. It looked like the other boy had done much better in this challenge that Marco had. Honestly, in this particular instance, the human was glad that was the case!

“Timore says hi, too, by the way,” added Nicholas, before Marco could even stammer a greeting of his own. “We were just talking about you, back at the checkout. She is sorry she couldn’t come say goodbye in person, but, well, Sir Thorncloak was in a bit of a hurry to get back to Mewni, so he denied her request to stay back five more minutes. Anyways, just wanted to say: no matter what, you were _really_ cool back there!”

“Uh. I was?” Marco asked, surprised.

“Of course! I mean, you fought a dragon! And dived through an underwater cave like it was nothing! And, well, you actually used my self-screwing screws!” the inventor squire muttered excitedly. “Besides, you stood up to _Higgs!_ You should have seen her expression when you came from behind and forced her off course when racing towards the water! She was furious. I thought she was going to kill you when she had to pull her bow to catch up!” 

Well, when you put it that way…

“Squire, I suggest you do not praise another’s mistakes,” remarked Lady Jaya sternly. “Not if you truly care for them. It does them no favors.”

Nicholas turned around, looking hurt. He seemed to consider arguing with the severe female knight, but quickly decided against it. Instead, he averted his gaze downward. “Sorry, ma’am. I just thought...”

“Never value flashy tactics and foolhardy heroics over a solid strategy,” she rebuked him. “Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the boy repeated, as if by rote.

“Actually, Nicholas...” Marco stepped in. The older knight gave him a measured look. “... Lady Jaya is absolutely right. I mean, man, take a look at the stuff in your cart!”

Nicholas did, then looked at Marco’s purchases. “Well, that’s not really fair, though, is it? You had Higgs breathing down your neck the entire race, and you were having to deal with all this weird stuff she kept throwing at you, and you had to come up with all sorts of cool solutions to…”

“Yes. And, meanwhile, you were just quietly buying stuff. Right?” Marco asked. “I don’t think I saw you do a single crazy or heroic thing tonight... other than helping me in the beginning, I mean,” he backpedaled slightly. “You were mostly just collecting your knight’s gear. Correct?”

“Well, yeah…” Nicholas said, sounding ashamed at not having done anything impressive tonight. 

Meanwhile, Jaya’s dour face had curved into a small conspiratorial smile towards Marco.

“And that’s _exactly_ what made you the better squire tonight, Nick! Isn’t it, Lady Jaya?” Marco pointed out. “I bet that, other than the vorpal sword, you got your knight better gear than Higgs did for Sir Stabby, too. All because you were not letting yourself be dragged into pointless fights. You kept to the background and that was a better strategy for getting ahead in this kind of race.”

“As you said, squire,” Jaya confirmed Marco’s words, to her own squire’s shock. “Glad to see there is hope for you yet. It certainly sounds like Sir Lavabo has already briefed you on _some_ of what you did wrong tonight.” She paused once more, eyeing Marco up and down. “Would you be interested in my own assessment as well?” 

Marco actually had to ponder the question for a few seconds. Whatever the old woman’s feedback was going to be about, he was certain it would be brutal. Well, better to hear it now, than to find it out from experience later, he supposed. “Yes, please, ma’am.”

“You were reckless, undisciplined, and prideful. Strategically, you had already attracted the attention of a potential enemy, so you could not have blended in the background and gain the advantage from being unnoticed. You could, however, have faked defeat early on, and surprised your enemies when they no longer expected the challenge. Instead, you made it a point to rise up to their provocations. You could have used misdirection to force them to employ resources poorly. Instead, you let your foe maneuver you into challenging them in the areas _they_ were the strongest. Tactically, you squandered too many opportunities for me to even list! For example: you could have doubled back the moment the girl went into the submerged tunnel, and simply grabbed the contents of her cart and added them to your own.”

Marco blinked, shocked at the suggestion. That was devious! And dishonorable! And wouldn’t Sir Stabby have stopped him from doing that? Wait, no, he couldn’t have! Knights were only allowed to observe the race, which meant he actually could have…

“You might find that option distasteful. I would, as well, in those same circumstances. There is a value in having lines you won’t cross. But, remember, to be unable to even _think_ of a course of action is not nobility, but idiocy,” Lady Jaya explained. “A more honorable tactic would have been to do much the same, but grabbing the items from the shelves instead of another squire’s cart. Either way, getting the vorpal sword was a time consuming enough process that you could have gotten almost all of what you are currently still missing while she was otherwise distracted. Most items were still available, despite a few conspicuous cases of enemy sabotage.”

‘Most items’, including, say, Star’s palm tree costume, Marco thought, bitterly.

“So, in summary: you failed to think. You acted on impulse and confronted your rival on their terms, instead of seeking to create your own. You mistook your own emotional need for recognition with the campaign’s objectives and, in the end, achieved neither.” Jaya took a deep breath. “But, at least those are your own mistakes. So, I am glad you are not repeating your knight’s particular follies.” 

She smiled at Marco. “On that note, I made a mistake as well. When I advised you to earn the respect of your fellow squires, I fear I calibrated my remedy on someone else’s ailment...”

“Uh, so, everything in moderation?” Marco tried once more to summarize the lesson of the day, poorly.

Jaya laughed. “A good enough starting point, for someone so young.” She glanced back at her squire. “Nicholas, we do need to go now. Is there anything else you want to discuss with your fellow squire?”

“Ah, well, just that, um, do you think I could get another chance to try out that… ‘phone’, was it?” He shuffled nervously. “Not necessarily now, but… well… you know.”

“Sure!” Marco beamed. “Come down to the Wash any time, and I’ll show you a few other games and stuff.”

The boy’s face lit up at that. Jaya scoffed.

“Well, I suppose there might be a day or two this month you could be spared training, squire, if you are able to pick up a slightly brisker pace from now on.”

Two days a month!? Wow. When he arrived at the Wash, Marco had thought Lavabo was a hardass. It turned out he might be among the least strict knights around, if Lady Jaya or Sir Stabby were anything to go by.

“Yes, ma’am!” replied Nicholas simply, seemingly content with his knight’s generosity in the matter.

“Oh, by the way,” the older knight added, “when you see Eyebrows, please give him these. Tell him they are from me, and to not set his feet on fire.” 

She threw a small package at the human boy, and marched away. Nicholas rushed behind her, trying to keep up with the knight’s swift pace.

Marco stood there, stunned, holding the freshly bought pair of green and grey argyle socks. 

_Eyebrows._

That was what Jaya had called Lavabo back in her tent, before the race had even started. Marco had been dealing with a problem after another since then, so he’d forgotten that particular nickname. But, now, it all finally came together. He felt like an idiot for not having made the connection before. Jaya was...

Marco’s train of thought was interrupted by a tapping on his shoulder. 

He turned around and saw, _oh god_ , Meredith of all people! She had parked her cart behind them, with Sir Scarsguard taking a nap on top of the wooden horse. What concerned Marco the most, though, was the creepy smile she was giving him.

“We made a pretty good team back there, dontcha think?” the girl started, constantly looking up and down at Marco.

“Um… are you talking about the dragons? I guess we sort of worked together on solving that dilemma.” Though Marco was hard pressed to think of _anything_ the girl actually contributed during that chase, he didn’t want to contradict her and come off as rude. Lest she started singing her woes…

“Exactly! I remember it like it was a few hours ago! You were there, petrified with fear, as the dragons had just devoured your friend and mentor, Sir Lavabo, right before your eyes!”

“He went to the bathroom a few minutes ago,” Marco said, trying to gently correct the girl’s tall tale. And, if memory served him well, he had certainly been less petrified with fear than _she_ had! 

Meredith didn’t seem interestested in acknowledging Marco’s correction, however, as she continued to prattle on. “Then, right before I was about to rescue you, the rage boiling inside your stomach exploded, awakening a brutal side of the Prince of Earth that even he didn’t want to admit existed within him. In your newfound thirst for revenge, you grabbed several axes off the Aisle 14.2 end cap, and began slaughtering the horrid beasts. I came to assist you, but there wasn’t much dragon left by the time I got there, just raw piles of meat on the floor. That beautiful cyan hoodie you were wearing was now drenched top to bottom in crimson dragon blood!”

“Ugh. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing cyan, Meredith.” Cyan was _not_ a color that complemented Marco’s complexion. Like, at all. 

Wait, why was he even humoring the girl? It was clear she was just messing with him. There’s no way this was her actual recollection of those events. Right?

“Um, _duh!_ Of course you weren’t actually wearing a blue hoodie, but we need a cool backstory for our band, so I thought changing some of the details of how we met would make things more interesting and thematic!” Meredith proclaimed. “You see, the blue hoodie represented your innocence, but, after being covered in the blood of your enemies, it shows you have now experienced the horrors of war, and have fully embraced it!”

“‘Our’ _band?_ ” Marco said, ignoring all the other stuff she said. He had the feeling that he would be doing that quite a lot when talking to Meredith.

“Yes, Marco. I, Medea Deianeira, have decided that, out of all these posers, _you_ show the most promise. So I’ve decided to make you my first band-mate. You are permitted to feel honored now.”

“I don’t even play an instrument!” Not that he’d want anything do with this girl’s ‘band’, in any case.

Then Marco noticed something heading towards his face. Thankfully his Karate reflexes were fast enough to catch the object Meredith threw at him before it poked one of his eyes out. After giving Meredith a pissed off look, he took a closer look at the item. It looked like a flute with some ancient engravings on it.

“This is the music-making-thingy you’ll be playing. It’s an enchanted flute that can summon flesh-eating snakes. When performing live, we’ll ideally be on a high enough platform that they can’t reach us. Pretty cool, right? Can’t believe it was as cheap as it was!”

Crap. This girl had ‘bad news’ written all over her. Marco wasn’t sure if she was again just exaggerating reality to match her fantasies, or if snake summoning flutes were really a thing Quest Buy sold. He wouldn’t have bet against either, really… Lavabo needed to get back here fast...

“Meredith! What the hell is all this crap!?” came a disbelieving cry from behind the two of them.

It was Higgs. She had somehow managed to sneak by Meredith’s cart without her or Marco noticing. Sir Scarsguard was still fast asleep, of course, even after the redheaded squire’s slight outburst. While Marco wasn’t exactly happy to see Higgs, he’d appreciate anyone short of maybe Toffee interrupting that conversation he and Meredith were having.

“What are you talking about?” the goth girl asked, giving her a look of genuine confusion.

“Literally everything in your cart is some sort of instrument. Is this what you spent Sir Scarsguard’s budget on? There’s not a single piece of equipment or gear in here.” Higgs lifted up a pure white saxophone from the cart, which, upon contact, turned her hands transparent, causing the hunk of brass to fall right through her grasp. 

The sax hit the ground with a loud metallic ‘ _clang!_ ’, so it’s effect apparently did not extend to inanimate surfaces. It also seemed to be temporary, since Higgs’ hands became solid again immediately after the instrument passed through them. 

The redhead regarded the other squire with a rather pissed off expression. “And what’s worse: these are all _cursed_ instruments!”

Marco walked over to Meredith’s cart to see for himself, and, yeah, Higgs was not exaggerating. The cart was filled to the top with many instruments, not a few of which caused a strange unsettling sensation on the back of his head that grew worse the more he looked at them. He wasn’t even sure if breathing the air around this stuff was safe. It made sense that Quest Buy would discount these items for some idiot (Meredith, for example) to take off their hands.

The human glanced up at the sleeping Sir Scarsguard and understood why Higgs was so appalled. Meredith had taken advantage of the Blowout to go on a shopping spree to satisfy her own dumb hobby. Plus, it wasn’t likely that her knight would become aware of it due to his, uh, current state. There was nothing practical in this cart for Scarsguard to use. Not even the cans of dragon repellent he saw her grab a few hours ago were there anymore. Did she ditch them just to make more room for this crap? The more Marco thought about it, the more angry at Meredith he became. She wasn’t taking her squireship seriously at all!

Meredith placed her foot on top of the white saxophone. “Of course they are all cursed! My band won’t be a group of pansies! We’ll be playing the instruments that society is too afraid of using, to express the dark hungers of our souls across the multiverse! I’ve already secured Marco’s pair of dimensional scissors. So, once I gain more members, our musical conquest can begin!” The girl started laughing maniacally, like an eight year old when they grabbed the toy the other kids wanted.

Ah. So that’s why Meredith wanted Marco to join her band! She wasn’t interested in him at all. She just wanted his scissors to start her fantasy interdimensional tour!

Meredith fell face-first on the floor. The leg she had been resting on the saxophone had turned transparent, exactly like Higgs’ hands had before. Right after that, her foot passed right through the instrument, making her lose her balance and trip forward. She rolled across the floor in exaggerated agony. “Argh! Toppled by my own Ghost Sax! How poetic!”

“I think the word you are looking for is ‘ _predictable_ ’. Besides, if you are about to go and write a song about it,” Higgs began. “I suggest you do so elsewhere, Meredith. Unless what you are asking is for me to knock some sense into you.” She made a fist with her left hand, glaring at the would-be musician right through the top of her own knuckles.

The goth girl made a pouting face at Higgs. “But… I need to talk to Marco! We have to come up with a name for our band!”

“Well, he didn’t seem very interested in your band to begin with. Plus, I need to talk to Marco first. So… get lost?”

Wait. Higgs wanted to talk to _him?_ Now Marco wasn’t sure which girl he wanted to stay. Ideally both of them would just leave him alone but, well, when had the squire ever been that lucky?

Meredith glared at the other two squires before shrugging. “ _Hmph_. Fine. Even I know better than to get on your bad side, Higgs.” She quickly picked up the cursed sax from the floor and hurled it onto her cart before it could make her body ghost-like again. The shaking of the cart almost caused Scarsguard to wake up from his nap. _Almost_.

As she headed towards Quest Buy’s exit with her cart and knight, Meredith turned back to see Marco and Higgs one last time. She grinned.

“Just remember, Higgs, that boy is mine, and I’m not sharing him with you anymore after this.”

Higgs pulled out a boomerang (made out of what seemed like two steel blades fused together) and threw it at the dark-haired squire. Meredith narrowly dodged it, made a defeated squeaking sound, and hightailed it out of there.

“Oh, trust me, you can have him!” Higgs shouted angrily at her.

Alright, these girls were too much for him. Marco began walking towards his cart. Maybe he could find out where the men’s room was and meet Lavabo halfway?

“And where do you think you’re going?” Higgs asked. “I _said_ I need to talk to you.”

Marco looked around the large complex, pretending that he didn’t know Higgs was talking to him. He pointed at himself. “You mean me?”

“Yes, you. ‘Marco’ isn’t exactly a mewman name. Who else in this dimension would I be talking to?”

“Oh, so I guess my name isn’t _Prince_ anymore.” Marco smirked.

Higgs rolled her eyes. “Ugh. I knew you weren’t going to make this easy for me. But this still has to be said, so, let me just say it.” The squire closed her eyes in preparation.

“If you’re trying to thank me for rescuing you back there, don’t bother.”

“What!?” The girl opened her eyes, confused.

“Look Higgs, I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this, especially if you still hate my guts, and are just putting on another show for me. I didn’t grab you to win you over. I grabbed you because we’re fellow squires, and saving each other’s asses is to be expected from us. There’s nothing more to it than that.”

Higgs looked slightly surprised. “I… I knew that already. I didn’t come here to thank you.”

The squire formerly known as ‘Prince’ lifted an eyebrow. “Oh. I see. You’re worried that I’m gonna hold this over your head? Or that I’m gonna tell the other squires I totally saved your life? That would be a major blow to your reputation, right? Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. What happens in Quest Buy stays in Quest Buy.”

“Will you shut the hell up and just let me say what I was going to say!? You presumptuous asshole!” Higgs shouted.

Marco turned a little red. “Uh, sure. Sorry about that.”

Higgs took a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize for messing with you this entire night. I realize I went too far in a lot of places, and you really didn’t quite deserve that. Especially the stuff with that palm tree outfit. I guess I let things get a bit out of hand. I’m... sorry.”

Marco wanted to scoff at her apology, but for some reason... he didn’t. There was such a genuine tone to her voice, even more so than how she had acted back at the southern cornfields. Marco was pretty sure she wasn’t faking it this time. She was being serious.

“Yeah, uh, heh,” Shit! What should he say right now!? “Well… I-I wasn’t exactly a perfect angel during this race either,” Marco stuttered.

“True enough. I supposed that makes us even,” Higgs nodded. “And you’re right, I still don’t like you that much, but that’s _my_ problem. At the very least, you deserve to be here more than, say, someone like Meredith. Plus, I think you held yourself pretty well out there during the race, despite the constant sabotage.”

This was so weird. It was like Higgs was implying that Marco had the potential to become a knight...

“So… regardless of what we think of each other, let's just put that aside from now on, and _try_ to work well together when we inevitably have to, for the kingdom’s sake.” Higgs said. “Are you okay with that?”

Okay? Marco was _more_ than okay with those terms! I mean, yeah, the girl did just admit to still hating his guts, but, speaking honestly, Marco couldn’t stand her in return! This way, they would at least reach some sort of compromise, and that was good enough!

“Yeah, that would work for me,” Marco said, extending his hand to Higgs. “Truce?”

She grabbed his hand and shook it. “Truce.”

In the end, it seemed tonight hadn’t turned out as bad as Marco had thought. He hadn’t gotten all the knightly equipment, let alone Star’s costume, but he had made at least two friends, and, apparently, _not_ actually made an enemy. He would take it one small victory at a time, he supposed.

After letting go of each other’s hands, Higgs looked a little embarrassed. “So um, I actually meant to give this to you _before_ apologizing, but better late than never. Just give me a minute.” She headed inside one the aisles, and soon returned with a familiar item. Well, ‘item’ might not have been the best term to describe him…

“Artax Ed!” Marco said, beaming at the tiny horse Higgs held in her arms.

“Yeah, I figured you might need him, and since I initially stole him from you, it’s only fair that I return him,” Higgs said.

Marco looked down at the foal and considered Higgs’ words. _Did_ they really need him? What was a horse going to do in the Wash anyway? Would he even be happy in a cramped place like that? And if he didn’t stay in the Wash, what would be the difference between him and all the other horses in the castle stables?

After all, the war horse was not part of the Wash list, but the knight's gear list. It was more or less a standard list of equipment for a normal knight, but Lavabo, and his specific duties, were _far_ from normal.

Perhaps he could bargain a bit with Higgs...

“I appreciate the thought, Higgs, but, uh, it looks like he’s already attached to you,” Marco said.

Higgs raised an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“I mean, look at how comfortable he looks in your arms. He practically views you as his mother,” Marco improvised.

“The magic of carrots,” she said, deadpan. “I could loan you some, if you’re really that concerned about it.”

“Well, what if Stabby found out about you giving him to me? I imagine he didn’t approve of this? Won’t you get in trouble?”

“Oh, don’t worry. I got him a heaping pile of new toys. He’ll be distracted long enough to completely forget this little guy even existed,” Higgs said. “And the fact that he’s a living creature has no bearing on Stabby’s attention.”

“Alright, but,” Marco said. “What if instead of Artax, I take something else from your cart? Something more useful to the Wash. We can consider it a trade.”

“I see. What exactly would you want?” Higgs asked. Her tone was one of suspicion, although Marco thought it also held a note of curiosity about what the boy was going to say.

Well, ‘here goes nothing’, he thought. “How about the Vorpal Sword?”

“What!?” the redheaded squire said, sounding beyond offended. “There is no way in this dimension or the next that I’d give you that sword! A weapon of that caliber would be wasted in that dingy washroom.”

“Higgs, you’re forgetting that, because of you and your goons, my knight and I are now left with subpar equipment, which is going to make the rest of this year quite difficult for us. Don’t you think you kind of owe it to me? Plus, I saved your life for crying out loud!”

“What would you even use it for? Slaying wrinkles? Vanquishing stains?” she protested.

Oh, right! Higgs, like most everyone else, didn’t know about the true nature of the Wash. For all Marco knew, it might be the most dangerous place in the kingdom. But, to the rest of Mewni, it was nothing more than ‘a dingy washroom’. Arguing otherwise would require a long explanation. One which was, also, unlikely to be believed under present circumstances. Instead, Marco offered an alternate rebuttal.

“I mean, what can we use a _horse_ for?”

“That’s not the point!” Higgs argued back, outraged. “You grabbed him in the first place. I was just trying to be nice and give him back to you. I earned that sword fair and square!”

Marco rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever. Forget I asked. I’ll gladly take Artax Ed back from you.”

“Fine! Take him!” She nearly threw the tiny creature at Marco. “But _if_ Sir Stabby ever does ask, I am now just going to tell him it was stolen. So it’s up to you to make sure he doesn’t see you with it. Also, next time you want to make a ‘trade,’ I suggest you offer something of equal value, instead of trying to screw over the other person entirely.”

Marco was now holding Artax in his arms. “What do I even have that you’d trade the sword for?”

“Your dimensional scissors?” Higgs suggested without hesitation.

“Ha! Yeah right! There’s no way I’d give those away! Not even for a Vorpal Sword!” Marco retorted.

“And that, _Prince_ , is exactly why I still don’t like you. You’re one of those people that thinks, because he did the bare minimum, that he should be showered with gifts and praise. You helped the king defend the kingdom from rats? Great, so did the rest of us! Yet you were the only one who had the audacity to think you deserved to be knight just for _trying!_ ” Her face, a moment before a picture of fuming fury, turned suddenly into a mocking smirk. “You think Song Day and me tripping you over made you a joke around here? You were a joke ever since Lady Whosit first told us of your audience with the Queen and King. Except, well, the joke was on us, apparently, because somehow you managed to _whine_ your way into becoming a squire!”

Higgs took a step forward then, getting directly on Marco’s face. She was back at ‘fuming fury’. She held an accusing finger right in front of his nose.

“Or, remember how you were acting cool just a second ago, saying that saving my life was just part of the job? ‘Saving each other’s asses is to be expected’? No need for thanks? Then, the moment it’s _convenient_ for you to do so, you try to use that fact for leverage, for _corn_ damned blackmail! You put it forth as one of your many half-assed reasons why I should give you the shit I earned, _for free_.” 

The angry redhead took a step back then, turned around, and began pacing between her cart and the boy, as she kept going with her rant.

“You know? I can see now why our royal fuckup of a princess crushed so hard on you. Your standards for people are so fucking low that, hanging around you, even she must’ve felt constantly validated. Doing her damn job for once was probably enough for you to be proud of her. Never mind the fact that she and the Queen had left us for dead for a whole week!” she yelled, punching a nearby shelf with the side of her fist. “That business with losing the Book of Spells? Meh, water under the bridge. It all worked out in the end, right? No one _that matters_ got hurt, so why should they face consequences for their reckless actions?”

Marco was dumbfounded. He had never thought of it that way. Not that he agreed with Higgs’ assessment, specially not when it came to Star! But, well, if the other squire truly felt like that, then it spoke volumes that she was willing to give him back his horse, and declare a truce, before. He briefly considered trying to defend himself this time around, but, given how angry the girl seemed right now, it would probably only make things worse...

Higgs took a stabilizing breath. “Look, the truce stands. I am still willing to work with you, _Prince_ , but that doesn’t mean I have to like you. Just... do your job, and I’ll do mine.”

She turned around and, without so much as a goodbye, left Marco standing there, holding Artax Ed, wishing that he had remembered a certain adage about not looking at a gift horse in the mouth.

\----

As soon as the princess entered her room, she plopped down on her bed immediately.

“Ugh! Finally! Home, sweet home!” Star said to herself, wiping the sweat from her forehead.

She felt sore from all the stuff she had done that day. Restoring a kingdom to its former glory took a lot of energy out of her, and, to make matters worse, her home just so happened to be big enough that it made even the process of retreating to her own room yet another daunting task. Whose idea had it been to build a castle with quite so many stairs!?

Sigh. Star missed having dimensional scissors _so much_. It made getting from place to place super easy. Although, in a sense, it may have made traveling _too_ easy. Easy enough to take a toll on her stamina. After having used them as her primary means of long distance transportation for a full year, it was hard to adjust to, once again, living life without them.

It was so weird. Despite accomplishing so much as a princess these last few months, physically speaking, Star felt like she had regressed a little. Her life went by at a much slower pace and, now that the Monster attacks had stopped entirely, she no longer felt like the strong ‘Warrior Princess’ she had proclaimed herself to be a year ago. In fact, she was now constantly tired, and, often times, she somehow woke up even sorer and more exhausted than she had gone to sleep. 

Working alongside her mother, Star now experienced a different side of royalty, one that valued social skills, diplomacy, and a disciplined mastery of magic, over raw strength. She wondered how her mom managed to stay in shape through it all. Where would you even find the time to exercise with such a packed schedule?

Star looked over and noticed Glossaryck, sleeping soundly by the corner like a cozy dog. He hadn’t left that spot since this morning. The blond girl envied him a little. Still, and despite it being so late already, she wanted to do at least one fun thing for herself before closing off the day. 

Maybe a quick run through the Forest of Certain Death was just the thing she needed? The venomous death-moths were always fun to try and outrun. And, even if that didn’t work out, the adrenaline rush of combing the ground for a purification leaf would definitely be enough for an adequate workout. 

The girl jumped up from her bed, and then heard the sound of a portal opening.

“Marco?”

By the time Star turned around, all she saw was Marco’s letter for the night. Geez! He was always so fast with those scissors. He could at least keep the vortex open long enough to say ‘hi’ once in a while!

The princess picked up the envelope and opened it. She took out the small sheet containing Marco’s letter.

> Hey Star.
> 
> I’m really sorry about your Aunt Syrma. I won’t pretend I knew her or anything, but from what Lavabo told me, she didn’t seem like the type to hold grudges. It’s a hard truth, but it’s impossible to be there for every single person in your life, especially when they’re in a demanding position like yours. Your attention’s been on your people who’ve been hurt the most by Toffee’s attack, and I think Syrma understood that, and was even proud of you for it.
> 
> Also, I’m sorry, but I wasn’t able to get you the palm tree outfit today. The Squire Blowout was a hectic ordeal, and I just couldn’t get to it in time. Turns out I’m still a far way off from being a pro at this stuff. I’ll try to make it up to you somehow.
> 
> Besides that, I made some new friends, got a horse, and apparently joined a band, so it wasn’t too too bad.
> 
> Alright. Time for bed. Gotta wake up early tomorrow. See ya.
> 
> Marco, Prince of the Wash

Star turned the paper around, but to her surprise, that was all there was to tonight’s letter.

The letter was super short, the handwriting was poor, the grammar was somewhat sloppy, and there were hardly any tangents, which were usually a Marco-staple.

Instead of being disappointed, however, the princess smiled.

She could tell Marco was exhausted from the Squire Blowout and, knowing him, felt super crummy about not getting the palm tree outfit for her. Despite that, he still went out of his way to write her a letter before passing out.

They were both in new environments. Star was in the period of growing into her royal responsibilities, and Marco was dealing with the unrelenting life of a squire. Yet they were both trying their best!

It sucked that they hadn’t been able to see each other in a while, but Star was happy they could support each other with these letters. First thing tomorrow, Star was gonna write the most motivational letter she could muster!

More determined than ever, the princess stormed out of her room, planning to do a quick run before tackling tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thus endeth the arc. 
> 
> But, don't worry, the challenges are just getting started for our young squire. This is also not the last time we see anyone from this arc, except _maybe_ the Quest Buy sloths...


	11. Once More Unto the Breeches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a mystery about missing socks is resolved, the Wash is under attack, and a familiar yet unwelcome guest troubles our hero.

When Marco first heard Lavabo warn him about garment goblins, laughing jovially as he did, on his first day squiring for the Wash, he had thought the old knight was making a joke. After a few weeks down here though, he really - _really_ \- ought to have reevaluated that assessment.

It all had begun, as most things did, with socks. Ugh. Speaking about getting used to thinking like Lavabo! But no, seriously, it had really started with socks. Or, rather, it had started when the squire of the Wash noticed a tiny furry creature dragging a single sock out of washing machine number forty-three-O-five.

The furry critter looked like a cross between a miniature person and a normal size bat, except that the fuzzy fur covering its body was olive green, not black. It had seemed non-threatening enough, at first. Marco, again, should have known better. It wore a tiny red cap, and appeared to be exerting itself just to haul even a single sock. It stuck its minuscule tongue out to one side and up, maneuvering it around an even tinier fang, a frown of concentration on its diminutive face.

No sooner had Marco noticed the first creature, however, that another just like it emerged from the very same place, carrying a second sock. A second _unmatching_ sock, to be precise. 

Then he saw a third, fourth, and fifth sock-carrying lilliputian, all emerging from that same washer and heading away from it in the same direction.

“Sir Lavabo,” called out Marco, as he began taking away the socks from the would be sock burglars. “I think you might want to see this!”

No sooner did the squire call out that the machine to the left of that first one burst open, and then the machine two doors to the right, and another further away, and another, and another. Soon, entire armies of the green furry critters were marching out of washing machines. All carrying socks, not two of them alike.

“Marco Diaz!” Sir Lavabo shouted back. “It seems we have become the target of an infestation of sock silkies. An abundant and vile type of garment goblin, dedicated to the loathsome infamy of stealing always but one sock out of a pair!” 

Marco wondered, for a second, if they didn’t have some of these back on Earth as well. 

“Not to worry, however, for they are easily dissuaded,” the knight continued. “Go fetch a spray bottle or two of a one-eight solution of B.C.T., a wet mop, and the bucket of holding, if you please.”

As he said that, Sir Lavabo came out running towards the aisle his squire was in, just as Marco himself raced the other way to fetch the detergent solution bottles. In lieu of the spray, the old knight began grabbing the tiny creatures by the legs, one by one, carefully removing the sock, twirling their small bodies in the air three times around his head, and tossing them to the ground. 

“Makes the fell things lose their sense of direction,” he explained.

The old knight was followed around by the newest member of the Wash, Artax Ed Diaz, who enthusiastically, albeit rather ineffectively, _pranced_ at the tiny goblins. Once in a while, however, the young colt would help its master out, using its teeth to tug a sock away from the invaders’ grasp. 

As Marco returned with the requested supplies, it transpired that the standard countermeasure to sock silkies was to spray them with the diluted B.C.T. - that is, the Beholder’s Cleansing Tears (™) detergent - which caused them to either pass out or wander around in a confused daze. After that, it was easy enough to mop the little guys up into the bucket of holding. Then, after making sure to retrieve any stolen socks, a whole bucket-load of silkies could be thrown out of the Wash at once.

“Um, Sir Lavabo, thrown out where, though?” asked Marco, somewhat unsure if simply tossing the critters out of the pick up window would do much good. What happened after they recovered from the effects of the magical cleansing agent?

“Ah, Marco Diaz, you may, of course, flush them down into the sewers below,” suggested the old man, as he ran around spraying the never ending armies of tiny sock burglars.

“Wouldn’t that, you know… drown them?” Marco asked. Whatever these things were, they didn’t look like a threat, not in the same way that, say, the lint monster had been. Plus, Marco had the vague impression of having heard them communicate with one another, in a sort of high pitched unintelligible chatter. “They seem kind of, I dunno... intelligent.”

“Marco Diaz, these are _monsters_ , monsters that steal _socks,_ ” Lavabo noted, as if that alone justified killing them.

Monsters? Like ‘lint catcher monster’ monsters? Or like Buff Frog and Katrina monsters? Marco wondered. Nah, it couldn’t be the second one. Could it? Would Lavabo really flush sentient beings down the toilet for the mere act of stealing socks?

Of course, mewmans didn’t generally think much of monsters. And Lavabo, well, Lavabo was a good man, one of the best, but he certainly had a blind spot or two when it came to prioritizing _anything_ above his job in the Wash…

“Sir Lavabo, may I ask, where do sock silkies usually live?” Marco asked, firmly. Maybe he was worrying about nothing, and perhaps these creatures weren’t any more human - or mewman - than a poltergown or a dust ghoul. But, just in case, he wasn’t about to go waterboarding a bunch of intelligent creatures over the crime of stealing clothing!

“Ah, well, Marco Diaz, although I appreciate your curiosity, perhaps this is not the best time,” the knight replied. He swiped a prodigious strike with his mop, throwing a dozen of the tiny goblins up into the air and directly into Marco’s bucket of holding, while snatching the socks out of them in mid air with his other hand. “If you must know, however, these creatures hail from the Forest of Probable Itchiness.”

Marco nodded. Unlike the Forest of Certain Death, the Forest of Probable Itchiness was not a place he had been to before. But Star had shown him a map of Mewni more than once, back on Earth, and so, he thought he knew enough about its location to make this work.

He took out his dimensional scissors and focused on the image of the map of Mewni. He pictured the river running from the mountains south of the Butterfly Kingdom, towards the Pigeon Kingdom. He thought of the forest along that river, and opened a portal in the air. He threw the bucketful of sock silkies through the twirling vortex.

That was when things took a turn for the worse.

Before he had a chance to close the portal, three motorbikes came flying out, knocking Marco back onto the floor. The motorbikes, thankfully, were roughly the size of an Earth tricycle, and, atop each, rode a fat short wrinkled humanoid creature with a bushy red beard, wearing sunglasses. They laughed raucously as they raced pass him and into the halls of the Wash.

“Leatherjacket leprechauns!” exclaimed Lavabo.

Behind them, through the portal, jumped in a dozen or so black furry creatures, similar to the sock silkies but five times the size. This meant, more specifically, that they reached up to just below Marco’s waist. They were completely naked and seemed very high strung. 

After those, came another crowd of what looked to be gnomes - as in, actual garden gnomes - but obviously feral. They crawled on all fours and sniffed around, grunting vaguely and scratching their red caps with their hind legs. And, just like the black furry creatures, the gnomes were also completely buck naked! Behind _them,_ followed even more of the green sock silkies.

“Breeches boggarts! Knickers gnomes!” shouted Lavabo. “Marco Diaz, what have you done? Sound the alarm, the Wash is under invasion!”

What followed was pure pandemonium. Marco was barely able to close the portal in time, before the three biker leprechauns, now wearing one hydra hide coat and two separate leather armor cuirasses, made off with their ill gotten garments. In all fairness to the creatures, those outfits looked pretty damn cool as biker jackets - even when worn by a creature as tall as Marco’s knees - but, more importantly, they most certainly didn’t belong to them!

He and Lavabo found themselves running all over the Wash, pursuing the biker leprechauns, trying to spray B.C.T. on the rest of the gobbling rabble before they made off with any other stolen clothes. 

The breeches boggarts mostly got themselves inside the legs of pants, one on each side, and began jumping in perfect synchronized movements. It was a bizarre sight, to see pairs of pants walking all by themselves, looking full only three quarters of the way up through the legs, and slack after that. More than once, Marco turned around to fight another one of the annoying monsters, only to have a boggart-filled pair of pants kick him in the, well, breech, and then flee in the opposite direction.

Not to speak of the knickers gnomes! Those were the worst! Not because they were fast, or aggressive. But because the sight of a tiny naked elderly man, running away on all fours, carrying a pair of panties in its mouth, and smiling lecherously, was something Marco hadn’t ever wanted to see, even once. Now he was forced to see the pervy dwarfs constantly, as he fought them over pair after pair of unmentionables.

After an hour of running around, brandishing a mop and the spray bottle, Marco was feeling exhausted. Artax Ed, the Wash’s noble steed, was being chased around by one of the biker leprechauns, which, mounted atop its signature ride, easily towered over the baby horse. Sir Lavabo, for his part, had been taken prisoner by vastly superior numbers of sock silkies and breeches boggarts, and was now tied to a drier machine by multiple woven scarfs.

Marco had made multiple attempts to reach his mentor already, but the area was swarming with the various furry creatures. They danced around their captive, waving socks, pants, and even shirts, shouting wildly. Whenever the human boy tried charging in, the annoying silkies would try to trip him down, as the boggarts attempted to tie him up as well. The squire was having a hard enough time keeping himself free of their clutches, let alone helping the old knight.

“Sir, I can’t reach you! Are you sure you can’t just break free!?” Marco shouted, finally. 

“Alas, I cannot, Marco Diaz!” Sir Lavabo shouted in return. “It would damage the stitching!”

The human boy was retreating now, slowly, mop in hand, back to the Wash’s service closet. Sweat ran down his forehead, and the bottle of Beholder Tears solution, just like the squire, was all but depleted. 

Well, that’s what he got for trying to help the tiny creatures out, for trying to be humane. Fine! No more mister nice guy!

Marco doubled back into the supplies closet. When he emerged, he was holding a bright golden and red bag, and a fistful of shimmering gold powder. “Alright, garment goblins! Can you understand me?”

The bizarre tiny monsters didn’t seem to even hear him. They kept at it, running around, stealing clothes, and misplacing them around the Wash. Without the portal, and with all the entrances long closed by Sir Lavabo and his squire, they had nowhere to go, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t make a mess.

Marco frowned, and threw the fistful of powder right in front of him, careful not to actually hit any of the goblins.

A bright crimson bonfire exploded before him, with a thunderous roar of flames. The sock silkies looked up from their socks. The breeches boggarts peeked out of their pants. The knickers gnomes opened their mouths in surprise, letting the knickers they were masticating fall to the ground. Even the leatherjacket leprechauns stopped their bikes in place and silently gawked at the squire.

“So. Do. You. _All._ Understand me?!” Marco asked, furiously.

He saw a sea of tiny faces nod in response.

“ _Good._ Look, I’d rather not have to use these today. But I will, if I have to!” he threatened, shaking another fistful of Phoenix Flakes their way. “Drop the clothes, form an orderly file, and get the hell out of our washroom!”

As he spoke, he cut another portal besides him. This time, the portal opened up above the Forest of Probable Itchiness. Low enough that the light creatures shouldn’t get hurt by the fall, but high enough that no more of them should be able to cross back into the Wash through it. One by one, with some prodding, the tiny pests started marching out.

“No, no, drop the sock,” he hit a silkie with his mop on the way out.

“That’s not yours! Out of the bike, out of the jacket. Walk. Slowly.” he threatened a leprechaun with the Phoenix Flakes detergent until it took the cuirass off and stepped into the portal, guiding its empty bike by the handle.

“No pants, no furnace,” he threatened a boggart sternly. Internally, however, he felt quite proud of his own pun, even if it was a bit too dark for his usual taste.

Fortunately, it seemed he had managed to get rid of the goblin army, without actually having to go ahead and murder any of them. Marco exhaled a breath of relief. He had, in the end, solved the problem… that he himself had created.

He looked back at his mentor, sheepishly. “Sorry about the mess, Sir. If I had just flushed out that first batch of goblins, none of this would have happened.” he apologized.

Sir Lavabo, however, was beaming at his squire from within his woven bind.

“On the contrary, Marco Diaz, your resourcefulness in dealing with the consequences of your own choices is only to be commended. Your compassion, too, speaks volumes of your nobility,” the old knight insisted. “A creature that can be cowed by the fear of death is one that deserves an opportunity to repent, and thus avoid such fate. Even one so vile as to steal socks! I’ll keep that lesson in mind in my interactions with the fiends in the future. However… I am afraid the job is not quite finished…”

It was just then that Marco noticed what Sir Lavabo was talking about. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tiny naked old man make a break for it. The lone knicker gnome was galloping towards the portal, on all fours, holding a pair of panties in its mouth. Not just any pair. These were small green cotton panties, with a bright cartoony yellow star in the middle. They could be literally anyone’s! Marco thought, as he blushed.

The squire of the Wash dropped the bag of detergent, grabbed hold of his mop with both hands and placed himself directly between the racing gnome and the portal. “Oh no, you don’t!”

He swung at the creature, but it jumped high into the air, avoiding the mop entirely. Marco then struck the ground with the wooden handle, using it as a vaulting pole to propel his own body to the thief’s altitude. 

“Ky-ya!” he shouted, as he reached out and grabbed the undergarment.

Despite the squire’s triumph in seizing back the stolen item, the creepy gnome’s mouth remained firmly attached to it, biting furiously into the fabric. After landing back on his feet, Marco swung the piece of underwear around his head three times. On the final spin, the gnome let go. Marco swung around a kicked the tiny old man straight into the portal.

“Yes!” he shouted, triumphantly. “Sir Lavabo, look! I got them!”

“Woah, Marco, didn’t know you were into that sort of thing,” came a mocking voice behind him.

For a split second, Marco had assumed there was yet another garment goblin, one that was capable of speech. In all honesty, after he had a second to recognize the voice, he would have much preferred that to be the case.

The squire turned around and confirmed his fears. The brown boots, the olive green beanie, the yellow skirt, the turquoise jacket. Several articles of clothing that seemed very normal and nonthreatening in isolation. But when those things combined together, they formed a creature more fearsome than anything the Wash had thrown at Marco up until now.

That creature of course being: Janna Freaking Ordonia.

The Earth girl stood there expectantly, wearing a cocky smile and waiting for Marco to respond to her comment. Of course, there wasn’t a single thing the squire could say in response to her sneering remark that wouldn’t make him look like an idiot, a klutz, a pervert, or a combination of the three.

Thankfully, Janna was kind enough to continue the conversation herself, although not exactly in a way that let the poor boy off the hook. “Look, Marco, holding that around like it’s your trophy is just creepy. I mean, I don’t go around stealing _your_ underwear. Diary? Sure. Wallet? I am not saying I don’t. Toenails? Once or twice. But, underwear? That’s plain gross, man.”

The squire gently placed the underwear on the ground. “Janna, this is seriously not what it looks like, I was just fighting a bunch of underpants-stealing gnomes and… wait… _toenails!?_ ”

Before the conversation could go any further, Lavabo forced a cough.

“Marco Diaz, I am not sure what kind of long and perplexing relationship you have with this young lady, so perhaps introductions are in order?” the old knight said, still stuck to the drier. 

“Yeah, um, alright. But first let’s get you out of those scarfs, Sir.” Marco walked over to his mentor and began meticulously unraveling the knots that bound him to the machine. 

Every few seconds the squire would glance over at Janna, who’d give him a devilish grin in return. It didn’t take more than a minute or two before Lavabo was set free. What was more surprising, however, was that their visitor behaved herself, for at least that long.

“Ah, thank you Marco Diaz.” Lavabo collected the several scarfs. “Thanks to you, these irreplaceable mufflers remain unharmed, although with your very delicate fingers, I’d expect nothing less.”

Janna snorted. “Well, a soldier’s most important attribute is the delicateness of his tiny fingers, so I’m glad our knight Marco here has that covered in spades.”

Lavabo lifted an eyebrow at the girl, quizzically, before smiling at her. “Marco here is indeed an impressive young lad, but I would not say he is knight material quite yet. He still has many trials ahead of him before such a promotion is even considered!”

“Oh, really…?” Janna said in an exaggerated tone, before giving Marco a look. She clearly saw the squire make an X-shape with his arms, cluing her to shut the hell up. But, well, when did the girl ever shut up when she needed to? “Cause I remember Marco saying he was this great knight of Mewni for the entire summer. Could that have been-” she faked a gasp. “-a lie!”

Lavabo laughed heartily. “Perish the thought. The Marco I know would never resort to such boastful bragging. I believe the more logical explanation is that you simply misheard him the entire summer,” he said without an ounce of sarcasm.

Marco wanted to hide in his hoodie. The slightest reminder of how he acted that summer already put him on edge, but the fact that Lavabo’s opinion of him was so high that he refused to believe Janna’s story somehow made him feel even worse.

“ _Riiiight,_ ” Janna said. “Of course Marco would never lie about something like that. Just like he'd never ditch his girlfriend to go hang out for the summer with the girl who just confessed to him, only to _then_ never even acknowledge that confession. That's definitely not a series of things Marco would do,” she declared, keeping a straight face throughout.

Okay, that last part was plainly unfair! That had nothing to do with being a knight, or anything else they had been talking about, for that matter!

“I’m not sure I follow…” Lavabo said.

Before Janna could elaborate, Marco got in between the two of them. “Janna, this was a fantastic surprise and all, and I’d love to catch up with you, really, but we’re going to have to put a rain check on it. The Wash is a complete mess right now and we’re _way_ behind schedule. I really shouldn’t waste any more time.” It was the best excuse he could come up with.

Marco then felt a strong hand grab his shoulder from behind. Lavabo’s hand, to be exact. “Urgent the situation may be, Marco Diaz, but no amount of work ahead of us should strip us of a hard-earned meal. Why don’t you take an early lunch today? That should give you two an adequate amount of time to catch up, while I get started on this mess.”

“Ugh, sure, why not?” the squire said in surrender, having a hard time hiding his annoyance. Though to be fair, this at least meant that Janna would be away from Lavabo, so it should be fine, right?

“Yeah, that works for me,” Janna said. “Although, before we go, one of us should close that portal, right?”

She pointed at the single portal connecting the Wash to the Forest of Probable Itchiness. Marco had forgotten all about it due to Janna’s intrusion.

The squire walked over and pinched the bottom tip of the portal. Then, like a zipper, he pulled his hand across it and closed it shut. It wasn’t the only way to close a dimensional portal, but Marco kinda liked the sensation of closing it physically every now and then. It felt like putting your hand in a stream.

“Star told me that if you let portals linger for too long, a crazy red-head will come and close it for you. Haven’t tested it myself, but is it true?” Janna asked.

Marco was about to ask how Janna knew about Higgs, until he realized that she must have been referring to the _other_ crazy red-headed girl he knew who disliked lingering portals. “Yeah, pretty much. But what do you mean by ‘testing it’ yourself?”

The girl wasted no time answering his question. She held out her own pair of dimensional scissors for Marco, and even Lavabo, to gawk at. 

Marco recognized the design immediately. The scissors had jaggy blades and pure white handles set in the shape of a skull. There was a name inscribed on them, but it was written in some Monster language the squire couldn't translate. Marco highly doubted it spelled the previous owner’s name.

Lavabo whistled. “My, the new generation is a formidable one indeed.”

“It’s not what you think, Sir,” Marco said defensively, not wanting him to think that just _anyone_ could complete one of Hekapoo’s quests. “Those scissors used to belong to Ludo, but he’s gone now, so Star must have given them to Janna.” That or she stole them from the princess...

“Yup,” Janna confirmed. “She said something about ‘wanting to be a better princess,’ which I guess is whimsical talk for ‘I need to lose all personal freedom and stay chained to my kingdom.’ Not that I mind, of course. I mean, dimensional travel _and_ they look badass? Gonna be hard to top that gift.”

Marco had to admit, the scissors’ design complimented Janna’s general interest in the occult pretty well, though it peeved him a little that she got her pair so easily while Marco had to invest sixteen years of hard work to get his. Such was life, he supposed.

“We should get going,” Marco said. He turned to Lavabo. “I’ll be back in a half hour, Sir.”

“Very well, Marco Diaz. Enjoy your lunch and company, but do be punctual. We’ll need to reorganize everything and clean it all over again. We can’t leave anything undone after six,” Lavabo said.

Marco nodded at the old knight and soon the two teenagers made their way towards the Wash’s entrance/exit. Said entrance would usually be blocked off by the villager’s pile of dirty laundry at this hour, but the morning’s chaos had left the clothes sprawled everywhere _but_ the entrance. In this one instance, Marco was grateful for the mess.

“Wait. Why are we taking the stairs? We were _just_ talking about dimensional scissors.” Janna said, annoyed.

“And you sound _just_ like a new scissors user. It’s nice to use your legs every now and then, you know?” Marco said. “Now come on, there’s this cool garden a few floors up where we can enjoy our lunch.”

Janna sighed, but she didn’t protest any further. They both started walking up the daunting flight of stairs out of the castle’s sub-basement, following it as it curved around a central pillar.

In truth, Marco only wanted to kill time by getting to their destination the long way. He was gonna stay true to Lavabo’s time limit, and the less time he had to spend actually conversing with Janna, the better. The squire snickered to himself. Even _he_ could be sneaky sometimes.

Marco and Janna kept climbing the stairs for what was probably this day’s longest five minutes. An awkward silence loomed over them, but Janna didn’t feel like initiating a conversation. It even seemed like she was having trouble keeping up with his pace, though she tried to hide it, clumsily dissimulating her heavy panting and her attempts to support herself on the rail-less pillar. Either way, this was a lot less grueling and uncomfortable for the boy than when he first came down these stairs with Star...

Before too long they arrived at the Royal Garden on the first floor. It was quite a sight to behold. There were all the varieties of flowers you’d see on Earth: roses, daisies, tulips, azaleas, etc. Then there were the ones that Marco wasn’t familiar with, and which he was pretty sure were exclusive to Mewni. 

There were, for example, bubble-gum blue carnations atop a lilac shrub, with neon pink blossoms right besides. There were clusters of leaves as red as rose petals sprouting reversed green buds in turn. There were tiny yellow bells that sprouted and shriveled and grew back again in an instant, like sparks out of a burning flame. Yet, somehow, that din of color didn’t take away from the sheer beauty and majesty of this place. Quite the opposite, actually. 

Plus, none of the flowers seemed capable of eating people, a feature the young squire had learned to appreciate when it came to inter-dimensional vegetation.

As the two sat together on a marble bench, Marco realized he’d forgotten to bring his lunch with him. That is, he _pretended_ to just realize that.

“Oops, looks like I left my corn back down there,” Marco said, trying to act surprised while peeping at his watch. Twenty-two minutes left. “Sorry Janna, I’ll hop back there with the scissors real quick, but who knows how long it’ll take for me to find it in that mess...”

Janna rolled her eyes. “Leave the fibbing to the professionals, Marco. _Luckily,_ I got you covered.” 

The girl made a small incision in the air with her scissors. She reached inside and grabbed two brown bags that had a familiar logo on them. The sight of them made Marco, momentarily, forget all about his plan to ditch his otherwise unwelcome guest.

“Oh God! You got me Britta’s?” The squire’s mouth was already watering.

Janna gave Marco his bag and he tore it open with unrestrained _primal_ force. He couldn’t help it. The squire hadn’t had normal Earth food in so long that he forgot how much he missed it. He got even more excited once he saw the meal: A Guaca _melee_ Steak and Eggs Britta-rito(™)! He wasted no time biting into it.

“Janna, this was actually really awesome of you. Thank you!” Marco managed to say between bites of burrito, chunks of it still in his mouth as he spoke.

Janna smiled nonchalantly. “No problem.”

It took Marco a while before he was even able to continue the conversation, lost as he was in waking dreams of cheese, steak, and soft wheat flour. Janna sat there, silent, without even opening her own lunch, staring amused at the voracious squire, as he gulped down huge bites of meat, egg, and beans. 

Normally, he’d be a lot more self-conscious about something like that, specially around company. But, hey, it was just Janna, after all. Besides, it had been weeks since he last had a meal that was anything less than three-quarters corn. He hadn’t realized just how much he had missed Earth cuisine, and its broad diversity of non-corn flavors!

Eventually, though, Marco figured he might as well ask. Better get it done and over with and all that. He covered his burrito-filled mouth as he spoke. “Ok, so, uhm… what’s the catch?”

“The catch?” Janna asked innocently.

“Yes, the catch,” Marco repeated. “Look, you show up here, out of nowhere, and are actually being, well… less of a pain than you usually are, no offence…”

“None taken,” she shrugged.

“...my point is, Janna,” Marco continued. “What do you want?” 

The girl made a whole show out of thinking through, or pretending to think through, her answer to the question. Finally, she placed her left thumb under her own chin and added, “Nothing comes to mind.”

Marco rolled his eyes. “Don’t give me that. You’re always after _something._ ”

Janna blinked. “Fine, I’ll admit it: I was a bit curious about how you were doing, Marco. Beats sitting in class with an unused pair of dimensional scissors. Besides, I would have thought you’d like to know how everyone else is doing,” she pointed out. “You know, back home?”

She had a good point, actually. Marco did wonder, sometimes, how his friends and family were all doing back at Echo Creek. Not to mention, well… Jackie.

“Um, ok, Janna, you’re right, of course. I’m sorry for accusing you of having ulterior motives, when you really just wanted to catch up,” he apologized.

The sentiment went wholly unacknowledged. Instead, the troublemaker looked boredly at her own lunch bag, poking it without having even taken out the food. 

“Ok, so…” Marco finally continued. “How _is_ everyone?”

“Everyone who?” Janna asked, like she had forgotten the entirety of the conversation so far.

“Everyone back in Echo Creek!” Marco replied, irritated.

“You’ll have to be more specific,” she shrugged.

“Fine,” Marco grumbled. “How about Ferguson and Alfonzo?”

“Out of the closet. They are a thing now. Not that anybody at school was surprised by that news,” she replied, without lifting her eyes from the closed lunch bag.

Marco looked shocked at the girl. Well, ok, it was not exactly _implausible,_ now that he thought about it. Still, he had the feeling that she was pulling his leg. He most certainly would’ve heard about something as big as _that,_ from either of his two friends.

“Um. StarFan?” he continued.

“Starting therapy,” she explained. “Been doing her some good, she is even back to using her real name now. I honestly thought she was going to jump off of a bridge or something after Star left Earth.”

Well, that was morbid! Leave it to Janna to turn a positive development into an unsettling thought. There was no way it was _that_ bad! StarFan was just a quirky kid. Maybe a bit of talking to Mr. Candle, or whatever, was not a bad idea, sure, but that didn’t mean she was going to kill herself over her idol leaving school. Still, good to know StarFan, or, uh, Pauline, was doing better.

“Oskar?”

“Still awful at music, but suddenly seems to be taking classes seriously. No idea why.”

“Brittney?”

“Planning her birthday party for this week, but freaking out because everyone is expecting Star to be there like last year.”

“Miss Skullnick?”

“New boyfriend.”

“My parents?”

“Well, Angie is pregnant,” she said, detachedly.

Ok, now Marco was _sure_ she was pulling his leg! Likely, every single thing she had said so far had been a complete fabrication, designed to get a laugh at his expense. But, come on, he was not _that_ gullible!

Still, he had to ask. Didn’t he? He took a deep breath, and… “Jackie?”

There was a beat of silence, in which Janna didn’t say a word, she didn’t even keep poking her lunch bag. Instead, she straightened up, looked at Marco in the eyes, and then, completely avoiding the topic, said, “so, I think the real question is: why are you still here?”

“Uh?” Marco was taken aback by the non sequitur. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I thought the whole reason you wanted to come back to Mewni was so that you could enjoy that sweet, sweet knighthood life you thought you had earned. Which I totally get, by the way,” she observed. “But, since it turns out you were never a knight to begin with, and Star’s dad was just banking on you to never take his offer of knighthood seriously, _and_ you don’t even get to hang out with Star any more, _and_ you have other squires bullying you six ways to Sunday…”

“Wait a second” Marco protested. “How do you even know all that!? Did Star tell you?” If that had been the case, then he was actually a bit annoyed at his best friend. Sure, he’d been writing her letters about his struggles down in the Wash, and about what had happened at the Squire Blowout. But, well, Marco thought she understood that stuff was supposed to be private! 

“Look, Marco, that doesn’t matter,” remarked Janna. “What matters is that I am bored out of my skull without the two of you back home! Meanwhile you are stuck here, being a laundry squire, and getting crap from people who _aren’t_ me. Fortunately, I can think of one way to fix both issues!”

Uh oh, here it came. So much for not having ulterior motives. Marco mentally rescinded his apology!

Janna took out her ugly, twisted, dimensional scissors, and pointed at them. She then raised an eyebrow and shot him a conspiratorial smile.

“We can go anywhere in the multiverse now, we can go adventuring, like you used to do with Star,” she explained. “We both have scissors, and it’s not like I have stayed on Earth all this time, but, still, safety in numbers and all that. Plus, you must know a few interesting places by now, ‘Safe Kid’.”

That was a pretty tempting offer, actually, even if it would entail hanging out with Janna a lot more often. Marco would have been lying if he said that he didn’t miss going on inter-dimensional adventures. It wasn’t like that was really more dangerous than working at the Wash, and it certainly provided more of a change of scenery, not to mention far less in the way of repetitive and arduous labor. So, well…

“No.”

The girl seemed genuinely surprised at his response. “No?”

“I mean, thanks for the offer Janna, but, well, I think Sir Lavabo needs me down here, today especially,” he said, thinking about the mess he had caused. “But, more than that, I think _I_ need this. This place isn’t always easy, and it is pretty thankless sometimes, _and_ maybe it’s not what I would have picked for myself, if I had known… but, I think it’s genuinely making me a better person.”

“Ugh. You sound like Star,” Janna huffed. 

She had probably meant it as a complaint, but Marco smiled at the compliment. 

“Okay, then how about we only go somewhere during nights?” Janna suggested. “I’ll head here after school, and once you’re done with all that thankless Wash business, we can go crazy and let loose in some bacon dimension.”

“I’d be willing to do that, say, once a month, and it’d probably have to be during one of my days off, but there’s no way I could do that _every_ night,” Marco protested. “Also, we couldn’t go anywhere that is _too_ dangerous. If I accidentally break a bone or something, I wouldn’t be able to do my job well.”

Marco had thought he had come up with a decent compromise, but his words only made the girl give him an even greater look of disappointment. She then looked at her Britta’s bag in contemplation.

“Fine. Let’s do this the hard way then.” She rummaged through her bag and pulled out several papers. The girl had still not eaten anything, and Marco was beginning to suspect that she had never packed lunch for herself to begin with. She held the documents out for him to see.

“Hey! Those are my foreign exchange student papers!” the squire exclaimed in recognition. “How did you get those?”

The frown Janna had been slowly developing turned, briefly, into a smile. “You know, Marco? No matter how many times you say those exact five words to me, it somehow never gets old.” 

The girl scooted over to the far side of the bench, most likely to prevent Marco from simply grabbing the papers from her. She took her time flipping through the documents.

“I gotta say, even for a first attempt at forgery, this is pretty sloppy craftsmanship. You literally just took Star’s papers from last year and replaced all the names. Even the signatures from the involved parties have the same handwriting. Only in Echo Creek Academy could you get away with this…”

“W-what are you going to do with those?” Marco asked cautiously.

“I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll perform a good deed and go over these a bit more carefully with Principal Skeeves. That would be quite... honorable, wouldn’t it? Unless you’re able to convince me not to,” Janna explained.

“What!? You’re blackmailing me!? This is a new low, even for you, Janna!”

“Actually,” Janna pointed out. “It really isn’t. So what will it be, Marco? Is prolonging this lame attempt at an ego-boost really worth the possibility of expulsion? Think of all the fun we could be having instead.”

“Fine!” Marco yelled. He stood up, but made no motion towards the papers. He did wonder if, after weeks in the Wash, and many more months of experience with dimensional scissors than Janna, perhaps he would be able to take those from her this time. He found out that, on the whole, he didn’t care. “Go ahead. Tell him.”

“What!?” Janna asked, shocked.

“Yes, Janna, just, tell him. Tell everyone if you want to,” Marco sighed. “Like you said, it would be the honorable thing to do. I shouldn’t have lied to come here in the first place.”

“So, does that mean you _are_ coming back?” asked the girl, uncertain. She was giving him the strangest look, like he had turned into another person right before her eyes.

“No, I am staying here until the year is done,” Marco clarified. “I’ll go back next summer, and deal _then_ with the consequences of my actions. If you are telling my parents too, please also tell them that I am very sorry about what I did.”

“Why!?” Janna spat in response, visibly frustrated. “Star has already moved on from Earth, why can’t you move on from Mewni?”

That hit hard. For a second, the squire wondered if she was right, after all. Did he really belong here? Or was he still just living his fantasies, albeit in a scaled down form, escaping Earth for Mewni the same way she was inviting him to escape across the multiverse with their scissors. He thought about Higgs, about how she had told him he was just an entitled brat playing squire. But, then again, that’s not how Sir Lavabo saw him, or Lady Jaya, or Nicholas, or Timore. Marco thought of them and decided that he wasn’t going to disappoint the people that _did_ believe in him, just to appease those who _didn’t._

“That’s not the same,” Marco pointed out. “I mean, my transfer papers might be a fake, but my job here is very real. I have a responsibility to deal with the consequences of that too. It’s not about living those fantasies of being a knight, or about going back to adventuring with Star. I have moved on from _that._ That’s the stuff that brought me here, sure, but now, well… I have stuff that I signed up to do, and I’m gonna see it through.” 

Janna seemed, for once, at a loss for words. 

“Whoa,” she exclaimed, eventually. “Marco, um, I think… this is the first time you ever stood up to me.”

There was a long moment of silence after that, as Marco just calmly sat back to finish the last few bites of his lunch. He didn’t exactly know how to take the girl’s comment. Janna herself only looked back and forth between him and the transfer papers, seemingly unsure of what to do as well.

She sighed, took the documents up with both hands, and ripped them in half. She kept shredding them into smaller and smaller pieces, while Marco looked on, somewhat surprised. Then she opened a portal, threw the pieces out, and closed the vortex behind them.

“Those do me no good if you are not coming back anyways,” she offered, by way of an explanation. “Well, fine, Marco, you win. Stay, if that’s what you really want. But if you are not letting _me_ give you crap, then you _better_ not let anyone else do that either, alright? Particularly not some dumb boring squires.”

As she said that, she took an envelope out of her lunch bag. Apparently, there was indeed no actual lunch in there. Marco recognized the stationery on it immediately: it was Star’s letter! No wonder he hadn’t found it in the mail today!

Janna threw the envelope at Marco. It was already opened.

“Hey!” the boy began to protest. But, by the time he looked up, the girl had cut open a full size portal and was halfway through it. 

Marco was left alone, to yell at the rose bushes, if he so chose. He sighed once more. He and Janna had known each other since childhood but, to this day, he didn’t know what to make of her. On the plus side, his secret back in Echo Creek was safe, for now. Which meant that he would be able to come clean about that on his own time.

He walked up to the still open portal, and attempted to zip it away with his hand. Apparently Janna wasn’t bothering to close this one, probably because she knew he would do it for her. After all, Star had apparently told her about Hekapoo, and not even Janna would be reckless enough to want to provoke her like that. Would she?

The gesture didn’t work. Marco’s fingers went right through the portal. He tried again, and again, and again. Eventually, he realized he looked like an idiot swiping at the dimensional vortex like a cat pawing at a curtain. Maybe different scissors worked differently? Or, maybe, you could only close your own portals that way? That would make sense, actually. Otherwise, if anyone could just close a portal while you were going through it, that would be an unbelievably dangerous flaw. Now that he thought about it, maybe he ought to get someone to help him test that out with his own portals, just in case.

Still, there was another thing he could try: Marco took out his own scissors, carefully wedged the blades at the upper tip of the portal, and cut down. The offending vortex collapsed as he did that, closing with a satisfying ‘pop!’. So there _was_ a danger of someone else closing your portals, then? But only if that person had dimensional scissors of their own? Well, if nothing else had come out of that strange visit, at least he had learned something new just now.

He sat back down, took out Star’s letter, and began to read. He didn’t have much time left for his lunch break, but, well, he could always take the quick way down.

> Marco! You’ll NEVER believe what happened to me yesterday! I’m positive that once you read these words that I’m about to write, you’ll pass out from the shock! So as a disclaimer, please read this while sitting down or while standing next to a pile of dirty laundry. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.
> 
> …………………………………….
> 
> Geez, Marco, calm down! It’s not **really** that amazing. Why do you have to take things so literally? Forget it, just stay where you are, seriously, you’ll be fine. I am sure you’ve wasted enough time looking for ‘the perfect spot’ as it is. 
> 
> So yesterday started out like any other day. My mom and I went to the Southern District and had a few homes left to rebuild. We’ve had supplies delivered to us from the Rich Pigeon kingdom, because for some reason wood is a very difficult element to produce with the wand (I mean, remember that tree I made for Baby? That took A LOT out of me!). I’ve also been helping the Mewni carpenters build everything from scratch, because I also stink at making stable structures with the wand (Hard Work: 1, Star: 0). 
> 
> Somehow it works when it’s my own room, but everything else… well, it’s not quite as bad as what happened to your room, back when I arrived on Earth. Remember that one? Yeah, um, sorry about that, again. But, well, let’s just say it never ends well. Or rather, it HADN’T been ending well.
> 
> Then, out of the blue, Mom asked me to try making the next house out with magic. I was like, “Mama, you **do not** want to see that!” I was serious too, but she just chuckled and said I should have more faith in myself. All the villagers were looking at me and I was so worried I’d mess it all up. But, the unthinkable happened: it worked!
> 
> I shouted ‘Cozy Home Creation Beam’ and aimed it at several stacks of wood, and a two story house manifested from it! Everyone looked so happy, Mom especially. And then, during dinner, she kept bragging about it to Dad and my aunts. It felt like the first time I did something right in her eyes.
> 
> And, I don’t know, it felt nice to make a spell that actually helped people for a change. Don’t get me wrong, I love my spells, and they were great for self-defense for when I was on Earth, but after making so many spells that were made to destroy, it was neat to make something that could create for once. I think I might be onto something here. Of course, next time I make a house, I should probably make it without eyes and a tendency to burst into song. Old habits die hard, I guess.
> 
> And don’t worry, I also really, really want to hang out with you one of these days too. Soon, I promise. Things are just really busy right now, today especially… and, well, tomorrow, and… ugh.
> 
> But, well, what about your day, Marco? I feel like you don’t talk about the Wash enough in these letters. I hope it isn’t boring! At the very least I hope those mean squires aren’t giving you any more trouble! 
> 
> I know you told me not to get involved. And I am sure Mom would say the same. But, if you want me to narwhal someone, I’ll do it! Guess it’s kinda bad form to narwhal my own subjects, but, um… 
> 
> Anyways, you were saying that you felt it was better to take the high road, and be honorable. I guess you’re right. Is that really the kind of stuff you’ve been learning from Lavabo? I guess I never really gave him enough credit, if I am being honest, at least not until fairly recently. Growing up, he was always that strange man that did the laundry, not that doing laundry is bad, or unimportant, or… um, Marco, would you help me move my foot? I think it just got stuck in my mouth.
> 
> Wait! OH SHOOT! There’s a portal in my room right now! DOUBLE SHOOT!! It’s Janna! WWWWHHHHHHAAAAAATTTT! And now she’s giving me a weird look because I’m still writing this instead of talking to her. Alright, I think I should stop before I offend her. 
> 
> Talk to you later Marco!
> 
> Star Butterf…

The signature just ended there, in a long hasty scratch that dragged from the ‘f’ all the way to the edge of the page. Surely, it was at that moment that Janna had swiped the letter away from Star.

Well, that explained how the other girl knew so much about the squire’s job and his interactions with his peers. Marco shook his head, annoyed. Janna really got on his nerves sometimes, particularly with how she always treated his privacy like it was a joke. 

On the other hand, Janna notwithstanding, Marco was quite happy to learn that Star was doing well. She was using her magic to help people in a non-martial capacity for once, and even getting some recognition from her mom, _finally!_

Moon and Star certainly had very different personalities, and the queen was someone who had the highest expectations for herself and others, which meant she was always quicker to put demands on the princess than to give out praise. Despite this, Moon cared deeply for her daughter, always had. Marco understood that, and he knew that his bestie did too. But, still, he sometimes felt the queen didn’t quite appreciate how amazing Star was. 

Sure, she was a little hyper. What with all the instructions to sit down before reading the rest of the letter? And the blank space left accordingly? Well, joke was on her, of course, Marco was _already_ sitting when he started reading the letter! Ha!

Eh. Right. Not the point.

The point was: Star was pretty darn unconventional, and that obviously clashed with prim and proper Queen Moon, but, at the same time, they both cared about their people, and they both had different ways of doing what ultimately was the right thing. Now that they were spending more time together, perhaps they’d realize that they really weren’t all that different to begin with, or at least Marco hoped they would. 

Of course, that didn’t mean Marco didn’t miss having the chance to spend time with his bestie! He really, really hoped she was serious about her promise to hang out together sometime soon.

Well, in the meantime, he had his own job to do, and a heck of a mess to clean up after the whole incident with the garment goblins! Like he had told Janna, coming to Mewni, working under Lavabo, might have been the best thing that had happened to Marco since meeting Star, almost a year ago. Sure, it was hard, but, like Star’s own duties, it was making him a more responsible person.

Marco took out his dimensional scissors, cut a portal in the middle of the garden, and stepped back into the Wash.

“Ah, yes, Marco Diaz, welcome back,” he heard Sir Lavabo exclaim as he rushed pass him carrying a few sacks full of already clean clothes. “There has been, somewhat of a… change in plans.”

There was a clear note of concern in the old knight’s words. Not only that, but it seemed like almost a quarter of the morning’s disaster had already been cleaned up, without Marco’s involvement. Had he really spent that long with Janna?

“Um, Sir Lavabo, did I take too long for my lunch break?” he asked, apologetically. “I thought we were going to clean this mess together. I mean, it was my fault that…”

“Ah, yes, yes,” the knight confirmed Marco’s guilt. No, actually, that wasn’t it! Rather, he seemed to ignore the specifics of what his squire had just said, proceeding instead to explain his own actions. “I decided to forgo my own lunch break, and my dinner break, and perhaps half of tonight’s sleep if I must. Seeing as how I must now get all these clothes ready by myself.”

As Lavabo moved about erratically, the squire noticed Artax Ed sitting by the corner, munching on a cob of corn (or at least what was left of it). Clearly, the old knight was serious about skipping his lunch.

Did that mean Marco wasn’t actually needed down here, after all? His whole argument to Janna had banked on the fact that he wasn’t here on vacation, that Sir Lavabo actually needed him, that the Wash needed him. But, then again, the old knight had actually been running this place for years - decades, probably, now that Marco thought about it. Had he been overestimating how much he had been contributing? Still, he certainly expected he could be of _some_ help, after spending almost an entire month learning the ropes.

“But, Sir Lavabo, I am here now,” Marco reasoned. “Surely it will all go faster if I assist you?”

“Oh, indeed it would, Marco Diaz,” the knight agreed, as he rushed to throw a wheelbarrow of shirts down washbucket sixty-seven. “That, however, will not be possible now.”

Wait! What? Was Lavabo saying he _shouldn’t_ help? Was he… firing him? Had the knight perhaps decided, after either Janna’s stories or Marco’s own mistakes this morning, that he would be better off without a squire? Marco felt himself begin to hyperventilate.

“Sir Lavabo, I am really sorry about…” the human boy began. Only to be silenced by the impact of a bag full of clean laundry falling squarely in his reflexively raised arms.

“Marco Diaz, it’s I who am sorry, to ask this of you,” Sir Lavabo interrupted him. “I am afraid that the royal delivery mewman has apparently suffered an encounter with a dangerous deranged outlaw, while out on their last assignment. The man has now barricaded himself at home, and is indisposed to fulfill his duties. This means that all delivery services for the kingdom are, to put it bluntly, out of commission. Thus, it falls on the honor of the Order of the Wash to keep our vows, and deliver on our own all the home service orders due tonight!”

Wait, the Mewni delivery man was out of commission? Wait, there was a single delivery man, for all of Mewni!? That explained why the mail sometimes took so corndamn long around here!

“Normally, I’d just speed up the day’s work, close early, and then spend the evening handling all the deliveries myself,” the knight continued. “However, given the morning’s events, I am afraid that is impossible. In fact, it’s now possible that, for the first time in four decades, the Wash shall go into overtime. Thus, with my deepest regret, I must place that burden onto your young shoulders. It is already a grievous failing that today the closing time of the Wash may be violated, but we must not allow the deliveries to be delayed as well. Here is a list, then, with nearly all the deliveries due for the day, omitting only those few that absolutely require my personal attention. Squire Diaz, the Order of the Wash looks upon you, may it do so with favor!”

He then threw the delivery list in Marco’s general direction, and without saying another word, returned to his knightly obligations.

Marco felt then, at the same time, a deep rousing pride, and the crushing weight of a sacred duty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We kick off 2019 with a new arc! 
> 
> Well, that and a one month hiatus for all of January before this. Sorry about that, but I am afraid at this point the official schedule for this fic really is "done when it's done". Hopefully this chapter was worth the wait!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Shattered Order](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17028942) by [Allusion_Conclusion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allusion_Conclusion/pseuds/Allusion_Conclusion)




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